Thursday, January 13, 2005

Adventures in Blogland

Most of the readers here are aware of the drama surrounding one much beloved blogger and his wife. She was unaware of his blogging and was hurt by some of his writings which felt like a betrayal to her. Wow. Add a spicy long distance relationship and that could have been EH and I. My heart aches for the pain both of them are experiencing and I miss this blogger dearly. But we've beaten this dead horse on The Good Wife's blog comments and it's necessary to move on now.

Blogging is sensitive. For many of us, it's a diary of sorts where we share our secret thoughts and feelings. Sometimes we share thoughts that are innappropriate to express aloud because we have a sense of safety here. I can talk about illicit feelings and know that my friends here (yes, you!) will comment or offer advice, but never will they whisper my misdeeds to my co-workers. I am not judged here. So, it's easy to understand why a blogger would keep a blog secret from their friends, family, spouse.

In blogging with EH (Even Husband) I open myself up even more to my husband. And he to me. When he first joined me here, he asked if he needed to temper his writings to avoid hurting my feelings and I told him absolutely not. I want the truth and I want it straight between the eyes. And in doing so, we allow for a deeper level of honesty between us.

Does this mean that hurt feelings may arise? Yes. But it's easier to deal with hurt feelings that result from honesty than to cope with the hurt feelings discovered in a lie. And after the dishonesty we both experienced, I much prefer to keep our marriage honest.

That's a personal choice. Not a recommendation for the masses.

Do I edit myself knowing EH will read? No. I don't. And I won't. EH will assure you anytime you doubt it that no filter exists between my brain and my mouth - even if it's text. I say what I think and feel at all times. I never learned to withhold. This gets me in constant trouble. Co-workers are shocked when I speak up. Friends have to be selected carefully to find the people who can process and tolerate my directness. I don't mean to be that way, it's just how I am and I have no reason to change. If I think your ass looks fat in jeans, I'll tell you. If I think you are being a complete bitch - even though you are my very best friend - I'll tell you. If a super-hot guy crosses my path while I'm walking with EH, I'll immediately crack up and point him out while fanning myself. (Of course, if EH does this with a hot woman, I will smack him. Hey, I never claimed not to be a hypocrite...)

What you get here is honesty. I don't hide. I was very hurt by EH hiding things from me before. The truth of the matter is - I'm an open-minded girl. If EH was looking for a little illicit action, I would have worked it out for him on a level I could be involved in. You want to IM dirty things with that girl? Sure. Do it while I am on my knees, under the desk, my head buried in your lap. I'm okay with that because it's still me...it's still something I have control over. Something I can set boundaries for. I can say "No, that makes me uncomfortable" when necessary. EH had no idea I would have been so accomodating because he reflexively hid these feelings.

Ladies. Men. We are humans. We were not born to monogamy. It's a choice we make. Do I get turned on by other men? Damn right. Do I believe EH gets aroused by other women? I'd be stupid to think he doesn't. But who cares where the arousal originates so long as it's satisfied between the two of us? If he wants to think about Jennifer Garner while pleasuring me - I am fine with it. And if I scream out George Clooney's name, so be it. Monogamy is not the natural way our human brains function. Again, it is a choice.

The truth is, I don't care who EH thinks about during sex with me. If another woman gets his engines revved - aren't I the one benefitting? But, when he seeks out sexual fulfillment from another woman and cuts me out of it and lies to hide it...online, on the phone, in person...that's a betrayal to me.

Every marriage has to set it's own boundaries. If you blog secretly from your spouse - there is an excellent chance that you will be discovered. Ask yourself how your spouse would react? If they would be hurt, it's time to rethink.

I love blogging with EH. Sometimes my feelings translate better in text and he understands things about me that baffled him. And, he's forced to read my feelings without being able to interpret tones or interrupt me to debate. He's briefly captive to my thoughts and I am to his. We are communicating on yet another level.

And we're closer than ever for it.

Just my $.02. I don't presume to be any kind of expert.

Posted by Red :: 8:42 AM :: | ---------------------------------------