Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Sweating Bullets

I'm afraid.

I'm so afraid of EH driving to and from work. Afraid of him being alone anywhere. I'm contemplating whether or not he should keep his kayak because I am terrified of him being near water.

I am afraid of him working where he cuts metal very, very sharp.

I am afraid of how tired he is. I know he's adjusting to the new medication, but he's so quiet and exhausted and snappish with me.

And I'm afraid of his medication.

After his "goodnight bombshell" last night, I went online and did some research this morning. Tegretol, the drug he's on now, is the #1 medication linked to sexual dysfunction - including total end of sexual desire and impotence. He can not supplement it with anything like viagra because it reacts with the Tegretol and can be deadly.

My head is such a mess right now. It feels like I am losing my husband all over again. I'm worried about anything happening to him and I'm worried about him being this quiet, cranky, sexually-dysfunctional man for the rest of our life.

...and just when things were going so well. For the first time in 10 years, our sex life was something to be proud of. And now...?

Well, now I'm feeling very afraid of what the future will hold. It's ironic, because if I even think of sex with him, I see his face at the moment the seizure hit and hear his screams.

I also read that powerful orgasms trigger seizures. What the fuck??? So, he doesn't want to and may not be able to have sex anyway, but in the event that he does - I should try to make it as dull as possible? The websites go on and on about how people with epilepsy need to find loving and supportive partners. And I'll be that all the way - but here, just here, where it feels like a diary - I'm going to get my darkest worries out. Am I selfish? I feel like I'm being a total bitch about the whole thing by worrying so much. But you have to understand - it took 10 years for us to find this little place of real happiness and I feel like it's being threatened again.

And it's not like I can discuss it, right? Because I can't talk to my friends about it without seeming more worried about sex than EH - which is not the case. I'm worried about both! And I can't talk to EH because I don't want to worry about it. And I can't talk to my family because they're all fucking insane.

But I can talk to you, right?

The Fates love to give me a cosmic ass-kicking now and then.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no. I am going to find the best way of dealing with all of this and do everything in my power to support and love EH. I'm going to be positive and upbeat and hopeful and confident. All while living like a celibate nun.

Yeah. Right. I'll have taken hostages before the end of the month.

Posted by Red :: 3:04 PM :: | ---------------------------------------