Wednesday, December 08, 2004

I am awake

I am awake now. Long past the time that I should be sleeping safely in EH’s arms. New worries on my mind.

Tonight, as we readied for bed, EH passed me in the bathroom and announced he was going to shower – but did not invite me to join him. Shortly after, he joined me in bed and wrapped his arms around me and asked when I thought I might feel up to making love again. I admitted I was afraid after what happened. He told me his own libido was entirely gone and a cold chill went up my spine. He thinks it may be some effect of the medication he is now taking for the seizures.

I’m sitting here, awake and alone, late at night – wondering if this will pass soon or if we are entering a new challenge in our marriage to grapple with. Another heartache in a year that has been so full of the greatest tests of our love ever. It is truly a miracle we are still together and I worry so much about yet another hurdle to face.

And just a day ago I literally forcefully fended off a man I know who tried so desperately to grab me roughly and seduce me with everything he had. Unexpected and unwelcomed, but ironic now. I was clutched, I was grabbed, I was held in place, I had to say no more than 3 dozen times and to turn my face over and over again to prevent him from kissing me. It took all of my physical strength, and not a drop of emotional strength, to resist him because I can only be with EH in that way. Flattered, sure. But no man is going to touch me in the ways I am saving only for EH. I have learned far too much about betrayals and the long consequences of them to question my faithfulness now. I easily parted ways with this man a loving and honest wife who held no shame or blame. I was successful, albeit it was unnerving, in not being taken advantage of in any way. The only touches this man won from me were the shoves, pushes and struggle I put up.

Will it be only other men who seek to make love to me with any level of desire now? EH said if the medication was a problem, he would add another pill, presumably something like viagra – but that seems so forced and manufactured compared to the sweet, impromptu moments we have shared ourselves. Those passionate clinches when we needed to feel each other. Are those going to be a thing of the past?

I am very, very worried. How much time passes before the worry grows to either genuine fear or to bitterness over yet another awful marital issue to try to conquer.

And, do we even have that much strength left? Already we have battled monstrous financial disasters, an affair, the loss of a baby, the near demise of our marriage and many months early this year of living like strangers. It really is a wonder I have tears left in me and haven’t dried up entirely like a withered and neglected plant.

What now…? Did I mention that I am very, very worried?

Posted by Red :: 2:39 AM :: | ---------------------------------------