Monday, April 25, 2005

Sitting, Wishing, Waiting

When I am particularly exhausted I seem to enter this state of mind where my emotions are very close to the surface and yet I am numb at the same time. So even though I cried the first time I shared with a co-worker that my grandfather had pass away this past Friday, I was numb to the stress of the day.

I arrived at the summer camp offices at 3:16 am. At that ungodly hour, there were 5 parents in front of me in line. And it was cold. Damned cold. I still cannot believe I camped on a sidewalk through the night in the cold and then went straight to work and there were no U2 tickets involved. Summer camp??? Are you serious???

But yes, serious they were. This year was orderly and well-mannered and it was still a bargain for a summer of child care. I'm almost willing to forgive having to endure 4 hours of parents loudly discussing little league baseball as if it were the very meaning of our existence.

Last night, I asked EH if we could talk. There were some things on my mind and I had sat on them for a few days, trying to determine the best way to broach them without a fight.

I had come to see that although we have made great progress in the recovery of our marriage from last year, the problems that caused much of the rift were still present for me. EH is still not doing much to support the family while I work my ass off and our sex life is still practically non-existant. I spoke carefully, expressing my concerns and trying not to make it sound like an attack, but EH went on the defense just the same.

There's just no easy way to suggest that your husband get a real job, but it's critical. I work so hard, such long hours and he earns what some high school kids earn during the summer. I have to admit, I feel a small bit of resentment towards EH every time I am paying a 'final notice' bill or counting nickels to buy dinner or skipping lunch because we're broke. It's not fair. I earn a decent living, I should be able to afford to eat lunch! I shouldn't stay awake at night figuring out which bill I can let slide past the due date to be able to put gas in my car. I'm far from materialistic, but I'm only looking to have basic needs met. Keep the diamonds, I just want to buy new clothes for our daughter, get a professional hair cut now and then and maybe be able to buy all the groceries we need instead of figuring out how far I can stretch 3 lbs of ground beef.

And the sex...gone again! I hate being the person who counts how many days between sexual encounters, but when it becomes ridiculous, you just can't help it. I was irritated when we went 4 weeks with no sex this past March. I'm annoyed that when we finally got back to it we were only managing once a week. And now, we're at a week and one day and I have to admit my dreams are beginning to revolve around sex. This morning I managed to catch 20 minutes of sleep and dreamt my vibrator had been chewed up by the dog and would not stop buzzing even without the batteries in it.

Don't get me wrong, my husband is fabulous. He always looks to ensure I am comfortable, he sacrifices himself to be kind and loving to me. He never criticizes me or gets nasty with me. He's tender, gentle, loving and kind.

And I am madly, madly in love with him...but that love isn't putting food on the table and it's damned sure not getting me off sexually.

And, dear reader, those are 2 of the 3 things that caused me to grow apart from EH last year in frustration. The third was his work hours.

Is history doomed to repeat itself?

Posted by Red :: 7:13 PM :: | ---------------------------------------