Tuesday, April 26, 2005

He Didn't Understand

EH didn't understand the things I tried to say to him and I was really unhappy to discover that last night, while he surfed the web for hours while I slept on the couch beside him, not one search was into a job.

So, the arguing began.

Instead of telling him how hard things were when there's no income from his job and no sex life, he heard "you're a lousy lover" and "you're a lousy provider".

The hardest part is that he doesn't understand that the things I need from him are things that can not be forced. If they are not given willingly, they are meaningless. I don't want him to make efforts to have sex with me. I want it to be natural. And it's not.

I slept finally, around 2 am, after hours of tears and arguing. And arguing about arguing. It was a fitful sleep with so many nightmares. Demons, monsters, death, being lost...every horrible fear stalked me in my sleep.

When the alarm went off, he didn't touch me. He slipped from bed and went about his day. Not a word to me. On the long drive to my office, he may have said 3 things to me. It was cold and sad.

He didn't understand. And I don't know where we go from here because I can't make him be a lover and provider and I can't let it be okay for him to dump the responsibility solely on me and simultaneously ignore me in the bedroom.

He doesn't understand.

Posted by Red :: 7:41 AM :: | ---------------------------------------