Friday, December 10, 2004

Strangers in the Night

I stayed up half the night worrying again. Wondering if EH's breathing sounded different (it did, I swear) and if he was acting strangely (he is, I swear).

Argh.

I'm going to go crazy.

EH is behaving differently. He's quiet. Low-key. Calm. Serious. Even toned. Not playful or witty or fun. He's clearly sedated from the new meds. He's very nice, but he feels like a stranger to me. And I'm really missing my hubby right now. We haven't laughed together in a week. That's pretty rare. We're normally always laughing.

I hate this.

I feel like EH went away on a trip and left some look-a-like behind who just isn't my EH.

For the first time, in a long time, I'm not looking forward to the weekend. I don't even care that it's Friday...and you know how I love Fridays.

I wonder how long until he adjusts to the medication. Days? It's been a week. Weeks? Months? Ever? Then I worry that the seizure affected his brain like a stroke might. Altered him.

I'm pouting. I know. I'm such a fucking brat. I should be totally focused on EH and his recovery - but, the truth is, I am a brat. I have no patience, I say exactly what I think - even when it's wrong, and I'm never as thoughtful as I wish I was.

I'm not even worrying about the sex anymore. And you know that I would normally be having a temper tantrum by now - it has been a week as of tomorrow, you know. But the thing is...I want sex with my EH. I don't want to be afraid of him having another seizure during sex. I don't want to have sex with a quiet lookalike. I want my EH back.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. And not in a good way. Now I'm all cranky. Like I could drop kick a kitten. Damn. And I like kittens.

*sigh*

Oh yeah...and we just made our weekend plans. We're going to see an outdoor holiday movie with - guess who??? M and Grabby Man. Eeeeeeeesh. That should be...tense.

But then again, how much more fucked up could things get, right?

Posted by Red :: 9:34 AM :: | ---------------------------------------