Thursday, November 18, 2004

Well, so much for silence

Yeah. Bottling up my feelings worked real well. Somehow I ended up talking to TEH on the phone at lunchtime and went from discussing my hurt feelings to an argument.

And I still feel blue. Only now it's mixed with other colors too. Yellow for fear of making the right choices, red for anger (or red for our finances!...yeah, yeah - you get the picture.

Sometimes, I just don't know.

There is no doubt that I am deeply, passionately in love with this man. But there are still issues. For our entire marriage, the lion's share of responsibility is in my lap. He tends to move from low-paying job to job while freelance writing (the free in freelance is true...you write for free). Whenever there is something that needs to be done, it falls on me. We need a car? Nothing happens until I go out (alone) and manage to finance a car. We need to move? I get to pour through the papers - searching and calling and calculating. There are times I feel overwhelmed and frustrated that I get stuck with all the pressure.

He treats me well. Very well. He's loving and kind and patient. Am I wrong for needing more? For needing someone to support our family? Someone to set and strive for goals without me doing all the work? Someone to help pay the bills instead of leaving that responsiblity on my shoulders. I would be willing to bet that TEH could never tell you what we earn and what we owe each month.

Of course, maybe it's not all his fault...

My mother just emailed me. Literally this minute. Out of the blue. She says she was diagnosed as bipolar and that I probably am too.

Nice...real nice

Fuck.

Posted by Red :: 4:41 PM :: | ---------------------------------------