Thursday, January 20, 2005

A Wow and a Bow

Apologies up front and a strong suggestion that you skip reading this. Now. Right now.

Okay, You were warned.

First of all, to the e-mails today! A couple of you guessed at who the other blogger is and...half of you were wrong. Sorry, I just don't feel like revealing her would be a wise move. The blog world is a very small world. And don't fight any battles on my behalf, please. My goal was to end the "refreshing" of the situation, not provoke further aggravation. And, truthfully, it's too soon after the events for me to not be easily aggravated.

One of you downright slayed me with the coincidental irony. The internet is a very small world, isn't it? You know who you are. Thanks for forwarding the email, it was eye-opening. I hope you'll take EH's advice to heart. I really do.

Moving on...kinda.

Rumor has it that she won't be posting the archives. That's it. That's all I wanted. I'm happy and the concern is droppped. Well, sort of dropped...after this...

Because it sounds a little like there's a catch to this that I can not agree to.

The "rumor" comes courtesy of her new/current married man's blog who calls me a liar and suggests that I stop speaking about her and move on with some sort of vague "or else" message at the bottom. For starters, what I supposedly lied about remains a mystery, but it's a little hard to even be remotely offended on this one. I mean, talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

He also tells me I should have moved on months ago and that I am not to discuss this further. It's only been 6 months since the day I found the affair and 4 months since my son died in the aftermath, so do not tell me that I'm not allowed to discuss my thoughts and feelings about it. An affair and losing a child is a pretty fucking life-altering event. If I feel the need to discuss it, I damn right will. You don't get to decide how long it takes me to deal with the issues.

He also tells me the blame is purely EH's. Do I hold EH responsible also? Yep. And we continue to work on making it right. But she is equally responsible. Period. Considering the crazy things that happen in this violent world (and on the lame Jerry Springer shows), the fact that I may bitch from time to time on a blog in text is mighty small potatoes. Don't want to hear it? Don't read it. Everyone in the online world is working out their issues on their blog, including both of you and your affair - but I should shut up and move on because you don't like it? Right. When I'm ready...

Whew. That was actually about as restrained as I get, sorry. Irish. Redhead. We're not known for being passive or even-tempered. And do I have major rage in the wake of something that happened in the last few months? Damn right.

Having said all of that, I would like to move on. Of course I would. That's a big part of what this blog is about. But no one gets to set a time limit on that. I'm working on it. It's not as as simple as "Hey! Glad that's behind me! Too bad about the baby! It only took 6 years to conceive him!"

My son died inside me only 4 months ago, this tiny - but fully formed - 1 lb infant who was too premature to breath and was forced into the world early because my stress levels were through the roof. Finding out about an affair and doing some warped online battle with the other woman while in the throes of pregnancy hormones is just a bit too extreme, as it turns out.

Guys, when I blog - it's not edited or held back. I spill it...every thought and feeling. So, you're literally getting the private thoughts. It won't always be pretty. And today it's definitely not. But you know what? Getting it out helps and I'm going to keep doing just that. I'm not always right, I'm not always above being childish or angry or upset or bitchy - but I am always going to be honest.

And this is as well-behaved as I get.

But I am working on it. And I do intend to work on acknowledging her existence less and less...in my own time. On my own terms. When I'm ready. My only outlet is here. I'm not catching planes to her hometown, emailing her, stalking her, etc...all I do is write how I feel about it on some remote little corner of the web.

And hey....regarding the archives? Thank you. For all my bitching, it really will help just a little.

Posted by Red :: 8:34 AM :: | ---------------------------------------