The Odd Wife

All packed up...

2006-03-15T11:24:00.000-05:00

I've moved the sideshow that is my life over to www.thetroublewithred.blogspot.com for those that wish to continue on.

Would the last one out, please turn off the lights?

***Updated: No, you are not crazy. I had to modify the URL in the link to include "the" because Blogger is not - um - functioning at its prime otherwise. ***

My blog

2006-03-14T13:09:00.000-05:00

Prior to June 2004 I had no idea what a blog was. I knew EH had started one, he showed it to me, but I didn't grasp the bigger picture of it. As it turns out, EH had become a blog reader too and had begun an online romance with another married blogger. Although they missed their chance to meet face to face (they tried!) the 6 months worth of email were intimate, emotional and disturbing. I can't even imagine what the phone calls were like.

After I discovered EH's online affair on June 15, 2004 I started a blog of my own to rant, scream and rage all the feelings I was overcome with. I spilled every ugly thought I had on my pages. EH's "other woman" read my blog and delighted in using her blog to comment, criticize and bitch about my reactions. Even worse, her blog archives were a full detail by detail account of her affair with my husband. There is truly nothing more painful in the world. It's hard enough to find out your lover has lied, cheated and betrayed but to then have the ability to "witness" almost every moment in writing is enough to decimate the heart. To hear her crow about her sex talks on the phone with him on days he had blown off me and my daughter or to read the words he wrote to her when he lied to me and assured me nothing was wrong was too much.

After the affair, I couldn't talk to people. I didn't want to share the horrible details with close friends or family members because I knew it would become awkward if EH and I managed to overcome it. It was infinitely easier to scream into the silent abyss of internet then to share my feelings with people around me.

I changed blog addresses about 3 times to try to shake my little stalker, but she always managed to find me again thanks to the chatty blogger community. Ultimately I just stayed put here and let her have her fun.

Once the rage simmered down to the less murderous variety, I began to blog about the recovery of our marriage. You can still comb these archives to see how te process went. One step forward, two steps back. One day I would profess my undying love and the next I would be drowning in hurt again.

As time moved on, the hurt channeled into other areas. I still loved my husband but I would write of my frustrations with him. His aversion to sex, his inability or unwillingness to help support this family, his failure to be any type of partner or provider. By the time I admitted that the marriage was over this past November, it couldn't have been much of a surprise. Even then, his "other woman" contacted me with her bitchy insights.

Today I can look back over these pages and understand things better. I can see the problems mounting and realize this was always coming. Once EH betrayed me, there was just no way back.

You see, we always had love. Deep, true and amazing love. The kind shared by a soulmate. The kind of love that changes you. Beyond that, we didn't have much. We had stress, financial problems, bad luck, drama and every odd in the world against us. That love was what always held us together. Once that love was treated so indifferently, so callously and with such little regard - it could never survive. The one amazing thing we had, the one reason we had to live our life together had been stripped of it's value and cheapened. I never could get past that. It was a bit like a terminal illness that lingered, offered occasional hope and eventually consumed my marriage into the great beyond.

I don't miss EH the way I thought I would. I do miss the "us" we had. That special bond that let us always know what the other was thinking, the connection that gave us insights into each other. We truly knew one another and it was wonderful. I miss being a family. I miss doing things together with our daughter. I miss sharing in her life together. I miss things I can never have again.

My life is in transition again as I start a new life with PC. I wonder what insights I will find when I reread these pages in the future.

PC is everything that EH was not. PC is entirely involved in our life to the point that I am often able to let go. PC just handles things and after years of being in charge of handling, I am more then relieved to sit back a bit. PC doesn't appear to love me with the same intensity EH did, but it's more a difference in person than in volume. I can honestly say that even through the pain of losing my marriage, I have found a happiness I never knew with PC. I have found peace, safety, protection and love. PC and I have a bond all of our own too. We seem to ride the same wave, so to speak. We alternate from serious to playful to sensuous to ambitious together and we ultimately balance one another. PC nourishes me where I once felt so drained.

The deeper bond will come with time and that's alright with me. Time with PC is not a hardship. The connection is there and the rest will fall into place.

When I blog now, I have less drama to report. Less flowery posts about love and marriage, because my beliefs on them have been rattled and I now look back and see how my dedications and prose were all desperate attempts to make it right again. I blog with less anger. I blog with less excitement.

Basically, it's dull.

If I were here for the purpose of entertaining you, that would be a problem but my intentions are solely for me to transmit thoughts, impressions and feelings to another place where I can sort them out. I learn from blogging.

In this post alone, I have learned how much pain I still hold. I have only to write about the marriage to find tears on my cheeks and a lump in my throat. I imagine I will carry that hurt for a long time.

The blog title seems somehow...inappropriate today. The Odd Wife is who I was with EH. Today, I am neither wife, nor especially "odd". In PC's world, I am merely silly but not exceptionally strange. PC is at least as odd ("silly") as I am, so I don't have the distinction.

I find myself ready to change the name of this blog. This time not to hide from a stalker or to rage, but to begin moving on. Moving forward. I won't close this blog to start a new one, but I do want to change title and web address.

I just can not figure out what to call it now.

I'm open to suggestions...

Career Counseling

2006-03-13T14:49:00.000-05:00

I think it's time to tell you about my job.

The most fascinating thing I can actually tell you about my job is that they pay me a very nice salary to do nothing. And I mean nothing.

I dress up. I show up. I sit.

I surf the web. I occasionally fax something. I grab a stack of mail from the mailroom.

I sit.

I sometimes go pick up lunch for my boss. When my boss is in town. Which is not often.

I occasionally hang maps on the wall.

And once those 8 minutes are up, I sit.

I don't get it either. It was cool for the first few weeks, but I just have to admit to growing bored. Did you know there's only so much internet to surf before you are bored?

I miss being challenged. I miss coming home with a sense of accomplishment. I miss being something other than a highly paid seat warmer. And did you even know that boredom of this magnitude is exhausting? I come home tired as hell because doing "nothing" is exhausting.

Unless you're managment or a specialized career that requires a college degree, there's a decent chance I'm outearning you. This is a major company and a prestigious position. But, don't waste a second on envy because boredom of this magnitude is deserving of the salary I bring home.

Thus, I can hold onto one accomplishment. I am paid well to be very, very bored.

And I'm worth every penny.

Monday Mornings

2006-03-13T11:16:00.000-05:00

There's always something a little sad about Monday mornings. The weekend is behind you and nothing but a memory and an entire week lies ahead of you until the next one.

There's always plenty to do. A routine you can expect. For example, I know tonight is PC's conference call night, which means he'll be ensconced in his office while I make dinner, tend to SG and otherwise occupy myself. I know Tuesday will find SG with EH and PC will likely be busy with work things. I know Wednesday is PC's night with his boys, so SG and I will need to find something to do. I know Thursday is a bit quieter and then finally Friday arrives and the fun begins again.

But for me, Mondays are blue.

This past weekend was wonderful. PC took me on a riverboat dinner cruise and we relaxed and enjoyed the night. Saturday was primarily set for house cleaning while PC was off with his boys, but when he came home, he joined in on the fun and we got much accomplished. At dinner time, we ordered Chinese food and pulled a card table into the bedroom to have a little picnic while watching a scary movie. Sunday we went to the beach with SG and relaxed silently in the sun with books.

The drama seems to be at a minimum again and I am enjoying the peace.

TGIF!!!

2006-03-10T15:32:00.000-05:00

It's Friday, and you know what that means...date night!!!

For a blissful evening, I will have PC's undivided attention. I am so glad we put this tradition in place since the increasingly hectic pace we keep can prevent us from really being together most other nights. Friday's keep us connected.

It was PC's turn to plan and so far the date is a mystery. I was just told a location and time. I know the intersection he mentioned, but can't even imagine what he's planned. No matter. Being with him is more than enough.

I'm feeling much better and refocused. I've figured out the smart thing to do would be to help PC instead of pout. Helping him lets me work with him and frees up some of his time. So, I'm going to be a very good girl, indeed, from now on.

EH and I have restored our ease with each other. We're back to talking and friendly terms. I still notice we're not "close" anymore and I realize it's a natural progression of our split. There's this tiny part of me that feels sadness for it, but I try very hard to focus on the good in my life and keep moving forward.

SG will be away most of the weekend with EH, but back home by Sunday for a day at the beach with PC and I.

Another busy, but lovely weekend ahead!

The Blues and the Mean Reds

2006-03-09T09:25:00.000-05:00

I have the blues. Or the reds. Something.

EH and I are fighting again. I'm torn between tears over the frustration of our fights and feeling like I never want to see him again. How on earth did we get so far?

EH and I have planned our daughter's 10th birthday party for Sunday, March 19th at the ice skating center she loves with her friends from school. Remember that I asked him to keep this strictly neutral?

Well, EH has really riled me.

First of all, EH has our daughter Tuesday nights from after school until 8:30 and then Friday nights from after school, overnight until Saturday afternoon.

So, the first irritation is that I learn through offhand remarks last night that EH has quite the weekend planned. He's keeping her Friday, then Saturday, then Sunday. Of course, he never asked me about it. No consideration for any plans I might have.

Then, he's planning to have a small party with all of the people not coming to her "neutral" birthday party. That's fine, except that he's having it exactly one week before her party - at the same ice rink and we quarrelled when I asked him to not have the same "hockey cake".

He argued when I told him I felt it would make the actual party less special to have it at the same place, with the same specialize cake two Sundays in a row.

The next problem was in him planning a party for her on a day I would normally have her without first asking me. Forget any plans I may have had - he wanted to invite everyone first. When we fought, he said he was "just checking everyone's availability" and couldn't understand why I insisted that he first check MY availability.

And the kicker??? One of the guests he is inviting to the party is a man who tried to rape me in a rather forceful manner (20 minutes of full-on wrestling and struggling) 8 months ago - a fact EH is very well aware of. That was this man's 2nd attempt (the first being much less aggressive, but still scary).

Jackass... I have been more than cooperative with him. I have never gotten in the way of him spending time with SG, I have not made a huge battle over the fact that he pays no child support and I have maintained a relationship with him on the friendliest possible terms.

Moving on...

PC is beyond busy and I've hardly seen him. I admit it, it's starting to bother me. I'm glad he's enjoying his careers. Yes, plural. But I hate feeling like the very last thing on his mind. Bottom of the list. Lowest priority. Back of the bus. He's involved in 2 companies right now and dividing his time. That superior sex life we had has disappeared and averages maybe 1 time a week. I'm as frustrated as they come and wondering if I can be patient or if I will lose my mind.

I need a remedy. Or remedies... What cures the blues? How about the reds?

Hell, I just need something...

Back of the Bus

2006-03-08T09:13:00.000-05:00

I have a million random thoughts and no real news or developments to share, so I'll just post stream of consciousness for the moment...

I'm trying so hard to let my hair grow long. In all my life I have never been able to do it because once it gets to a certain length, it annoys me and I can't figure out how to style it - so off it goes. But it's at that length again...and I am really trying to control myself.

PC's ambition is a wonderful thing and could mean great things for our future. At the moment, I'm trying to remember that more and more. His schedule is beginning to mean much less time for him and I. I think I am down to officially one night a week that I can count on his attention - date night. I'm not complaining, mind you - I do understand - but I am just a little concerned. I sincerely hope it's career driven and not some way of avoiding me. It probably is fine and I'm just worrying over nothing.

EH mentioned hosting some birthday event this weekend for SG...where he invites his family and friends. All of our formerly mutual friends. In particular, BestFriendM. What a fair weather friend she turned out to be. I keep reminding myself to be grateful to be rid of her. Still, it's just another rat-like thing for her to do... it's fascinating how close she suddenly is to EH considering the years of criticism she heaped on him to me. He was a lousy provider, he was lazy, he was unmotivated, he was obnoxious...blah, blah, blah. Now he's her new best friend. Oy. Hindsight tells you a lot about people and she is/was a snake.

Two years ago today I did something terrible and no one knows.

Ten years ago today I brought my baby girl home from the hospital to introduce her to her new home, new crib, new everything. I'd give anything to relive that day since the last time I entered a hospital pregnant I left empty-handed. It seems quite probably that my child-bearing days are over. That breaks my heart and my eyes tear up just writing this.

My sex life seems to be...well, dying off lately. *sigh* Do I just kill men's libidos? I know he's busy. He's always busy. And some nights I fall asleep waiting for him to be free to be in the same room with me. But that frustration is starting to build up...and up. Pretty soon I'm going to need help even spelling the word o-r-g-a-s-m.

I was in a better mood before I started to write this. I had no idea I had so many negative things on my mind. I thought I was doing pretty good and now I am frustrated! So much for therapeutic blogging! Geeez! The next time I have no real news to share, I'm posting nothing but knock-knock jokes.

My Decade Darling

2006-03-07T09:40:00.000-05:00

SG turned 10 today - the little darling. EH called bright and early to wish her a happy birthday and when I walked into her room holding out my cell phone, she shrieked "You got me a cell phone?!?"

Heh. No.
Bummer.

Tonight EH and I will take her to dinner at a local Wings joint she likes. We'll have the much-discussed birthday party on the 19th.

I'm noticing "10" isn't quite as cute as 6, 7 and 8 were. That little munchkin is developing a "mind of her own". I thought I had properly brainwashed her, but I may have to work on that a bit more...

Still, I have to admit, she's easier than most.

I am in love...

2006-03-06T15:32:00.000-05:00

I am in love...

It's time to put those words clearly here in this blog. I am in love...

Once upon a time, I was married to a man I loved. There were 397 reasons why it couldn't work, but the love was true. Eventually the reasons blossomed to 832 and the marriage could not bear any more. And so, after much heartache and pain, we parted friends and I wondered if I could ever love someone again.

Once upon a time, an incredible series of dramatic and horrible things happened over a period of many years. My health declined, my nerves were frayed and I forgot what it felt like to be at peace. I forgot how to be happy.

Just when the worst had happened and I thought for sure I could never feel anything again, I was rescued in every sense of the word.

PC (Prince Charming) has forever changed me. He has restored me. I am finally able to feel safe and relaxed again in the arms of someone I love entirely. It's almost indescribable how I feel inside day after day.

It's the way he smiles at me. How he teases me and makes me laugh. How serious he looks when discussing business. It's the groan he makes when I rub his neck. The way he can do any math in his head precisely and quickly if it has a dollar sign attached to it. How he holds me - really holds me. It's the way he kisses me (which to this day has the power to scramble my brain). The way he tries to make me happy. It's how he loves me.

I never believed I could feel it again. I'm so grateful to have been wrong again.

"And it seemed to me the pain would last, my chance for happiness had passed
And nothing waited ’round the bend
I was sure I’d never find someone to heal the damage you had done
And my poor heart would never mend...
Wrong again..."
---Martina McBride, Wrong Again

2006-03-06T09:45:00.000-05:00

Since I failed miserably to post all weekend, I'm going to just post random updates/blurbs/comments this morning...

1. EH and I agreed on a strictly neutral party for SG - meaning we only invite kids from school and we keep our families and friends out of it. I feel it's way too soon in our divorce process to bring us all face to face and make for an awkward day when the focus needs to be on SG and her special day. This is after the BIG FIGHT on Friday where EH refused to pay for the party if it was all "people we don't know". In the end, he did split it, but he opted for the lower party and in the end, it made more sense to agree. We also split the expense of ice-skating lessons as a gift to her since she wants to learn to ice skate. No, this is not a future figure skater - my little princess wants to be a hockey player. The temperature between EH and I is chilly at the moment. He's been brisk with me ever since.

2. The weekend was fabulous!

On Friday night, for "Date Night" I took PC to "Laffing Matterz" in Fort Lauderdale. It was incredibly entertaining. Both of us really enjoyed it. After being seated at 7 pm, you are served a meal from the limited menu of items. The food was great. At about 8:30, your waiter checks on you one final time before taking his/her place on the stage. The show is a 2 hr musical/satirical show - like Saturday Night Live the Musical. The topics are mostly local, current and things that really hit home with the crowd. I can't recommend it enough...
Saturday, PC took me to the Ford Classic PGA Tour at the Doral ("The Blue Monster") and I was exposed to live golf for the first time. I pretended to be "on board" and expected to be bored to tears and was stunned to find I really, really enjoyed myself! The weather was perfect (for us, anyway - breezy!). Part of my fun was just being with PC who explained things to me and was the perfect escort. Making sure I was always comfortable and happy - he does this so well! Seeing Tiger Woods was interesting, but I found myself rooting for Villegas (impossibly pronounced "Vih-JAY-gas"). I ended up tuning in Sunday to see the final round because I had to know how it ended. Tiger placed 1st and Toms and Villegas tied at 2nd.
Saturday night PC and I went out to dinner with my little sister, her fiancee, my dad and my stepmom for my little sister's 21st birthday. After, PC and I joined little sis and her fiancee for some club hopping and dancing...and discovered we are very, very old. We pooped out at 1 am.
Sunday I slept all day....PC went off with his boys and EH had SG until evening. In the night, PC and I brainstormed together on some of his business ventures and I drifted off to sleep as happy as can be. Not only was it nice time together, but the closeness of it mattered to me.

3. It looks like STBX is moving out of state after all by May. I have mixed feelings on this. PC's boys will be very far away.

4. STBX is requiring the divorce to state that the boys will not be anywhere in my presence for a period of 1 year after the divorce is final. I hate it...

I think that about brings us current...

The Notion of Simplicity

2006-03-03T13:42:00.000-05:00

So, it's come time to plan SG's 10th birthday party. Should be simple, right? Hah!

EH and I want to co-host the event, which is fine. But he's trying to fill the guest list with his parents, sister and her family and friends who have outright condemned me and turned their backs on me over the divorce. I'm not okay with that.

PC is not going, because I know in my heart that would be uncomfortable for EH.

I'm not trying to be difficult but here is the situation: we're hosting the party at an ice rink. We'll have a party room. Assuming I have to play hostess, that means I stay in the room for the most part while the kids skate and come back to eat.

Now, my family isn't going to go. They're not that...supportive. So, imagine me in a room surrounded by EH's parents, siblings, friends and so on - and you basically have an "Anti-Odd Wife Rally" for our daughter's 10th birthday party.

Real fun. Gee, let me shell out $250 for THAT event.

I think not.

I have had no interaction with EH's family since we split. The one time I saw his parents as I picked SG up, they both literally turned their backs on me and walked away to avoid interacting with me.

The friends. They're not new friends, they're former friends of OURS who have chosen sides (who asked them too?) and alienated me entirely. Yes, let's have them!

EH is being dickish over it. "So, let's have a party with people we don't know," he says snippily.

"No, let's have a party that I organize and pay for with a dozen or so that hate me," I nearly replied.

The problem is, I don't have a solution. At least 4 of the people I would be uncomfortable with have children that SG would want there.

I really need advice, guys. SG is not a baby, she's going to realize her mother is being snubbed at her birthday party and frankly, I don't want to be that miserable on what should be a special day for us.

(sigh)

2006-03-02T13:45:00.000-05:00

I'm having a really bad day...

The Odd Wife: Drama Magnet

2006-03-02T08:58:00.000-05:00

Another two prong post for you this morning...

1) My neighbor is a freaking loon. A few days ago I lightly commented on the domestic fun happening next door. This woman has been screaming in endless profanities around the clock just outside my front door. SG is nervous to play outside and frankly, I am annoyed. After 6 days, I am tired of it. There never seems to be an opportune moment to say something to her as she is always storming off in a fit of rage. Last night, it happened again and PC and I stepped out to sit on our front step and smoke (as is our custom). The man walked out and slammed the door and went downstairs. She stomped out a moment later and began to apologize in a rather nasty way ("I'm sorry, but I can't take this shit anymore") and I told her that I was glad to have a moment to talk about it, I was very concerned and the screaming was an ongoing disturbance and I was asking that they please try to get the situation under control. I told her I that I hadn't ben sure of what I should do - should I try to talk to her? - because I didn't want to make "a call".

Conversation ends. Fast forward a few hours. PC and I once again step out to smoke. Loon comes out. She asks what I meant by "make a call" - did I mean call the police? I assure her that's not how I want to handle it, but that I was very concerned because my daughter saw her running around the parking lot with blood pouring down her face over the weekend and I had safety concerns. (Her children told us she did it to herself - she says she was hit by the quiet Jamaican man she is fighting with).

She proceeds to really lay into me. She's offended, blah blah, blah, I'm not nice, blah blah, blah, my smoking is going into her house (?), my ex (EH) makes her nervous because he looks "jittery" and did PC know I was always hugging my ex (EH) outside (he does, PC was sitting beside me so this was clearly to start a problem with him and I), blah blah, blah, and on and on it went. The whole time I am calm, even toned and polite but I'm getting irritable. It was about 45 minutes after she stomped inside before my anger began to simmer. Who does this woman think she is?

So...home life is fun.

Moving on...

2) PC. ... What do I say? Something seems to be wrong. I...don't even know where to begin, but I couldn't sleep last night and spent the whole night on the couch staring at the ceiling. I am exhausted today. Beyond. PC said this whole mess with STBX is just weighing on him and affecting him more than he realized.

Well, I guess STBX wins. Because PC hasn't touched me in nearly a week (longest ever) and every night he's been too busy to really relax. When he does, he just watches tv with me. Even when he's home, you can tell he's not really "there". I've tried to be patient and wait it out, but it's starting to hurt a little. I hate when you can actually feel someone pull away from you and you're powerless to do anything but sit, wait, hope or give up and run.

I really hope we can reconnect on date night this week. It's my turn to plan...

The Odd Wife: Now with more drama!

2006-03-01T10:08:00.000-05:00

Today's post is brought to you by the number two (for twice the drama) and the letter "o" (as in "Oh shit").

First: STBX is not the happiest person walking the streets today. It honstly seems like she is coming completely unglued. She and PC spoke briefly last night when he called to talk to his boys and she screamed names, insults, accusations and some pretty ugly threats including bodily harm at him. They discussed only briefly the emails she read from his past and it seemed strange that her accusations went far beyond the actual bad deeds he committed. She made some ugly remarks about me and told him she is hiring a private investigator and suing PC for divorce.

Now, no one wants a divorce more than PC, so why she feels she has to sue is beyond me. She's actually already uncovered everything he was guilty of so the investigator is another waste of money. He engaged in a lot of erotic emails with women during the final year of their marriage and he had a few affairs. That's awful enough for any woman to learn. PC is sorry that she found out because he didn't want to hurt her, but at the same time a very old and heavy weight has been lifted off of him. For the first time, he has everything in the open.

For all of her anger, STBX is a person I feel sorry for. I don't wish anything bad for her. I was explaining that to PC. It's not that I like her (I don't care for her & how she has treated people) but because of her position in PC and his children's lives, I do respect her. I want good things for her. I want her to be happy. I want her life to be easy.

Now, having said that, I'm not going to be a fucking doormat. Her nasty little comments are fine, because they don't hurt me and I am sure she's entitled to feel that way. But I'm not about to sit back and let this bitter woman disrupt my life. The drama with the bullshit emails and the lies and her threats is growing old. I will not provoke or antagonize, but damnit I will defend myself and stand my ground. The things she is furious over had nothing to do with me and occurred long before me. She now knows I didn't steal her husband (and can see how many dozens of women tried!) but now she blames me for being with him after what he did to her.

Screw that.

His "misdeeds" were before me. He was unhappy, trapped and lost. He's not the same person he was then. Why on earth would I punish him for having a past?

Second: Okay, this one is harder...today is a tough day for me. Ten years ago today, EH and I walked down the aisle. Today is our 10 year Wedding Anniversary. We had planned to spend it in Vegas renewing our vows.

Today is a hard day for us both.

I love EH. I always will. He loves me. I think he always will. I wish it could have worked for us differently, but fate had other ideas. Maybe it's his fault for the affair. Maybe it's mine for never being able to get past it. Maybe it's both/neither. Either way, it didn't work. And we did try.

For today, just a part of me will mourn what we lost. 10 years was a landmark I would very much have liked to have shared.

Please do not read into this as taking anything away from PC. It doesn't. PC and I have a relationship completely different from what I shared with EH, but no less special. I was very happy with EH and I am very happy now with PC. The only difference is that I can be happy and still have needs met: goals, ambitions, planning for the future. It feels like a grown-up relationship whereas EH and I were always a couple of crazy kids in love.

Will that suffice for drama today?

Spoke too soon...

2006-02-28T14:22:00.000-05:00

Did I say "peace" in my last email? Silly me. I spoke too soon.

STBX called PC and freaked out over the phone about those mysterious emails that were forwarded to me. She said they had been mailed to her at the house.

I call "bullshit".

First of all, I've become a bit web-savy over the past few years. It's amazing what you learn when you are desperate to find answers online and ever since EH's affair I have honed my internet snooping skills to be quite strong.

All of the emails forwarded to me passed through the same IP address. One email, which contained a link to an old, but specific page on this blog was clicked through with the referrer showing as "us.yahoomail.showletter" through that same IP address. That IP address matches 100% the IP address used on all recent and older emails from STBX to PC.

No doubt about it. They came through her computer. Why she waited this long to freak out is beyond me, unless I was right and she didn't notice the dates of the emails until today.

No matter. The bottom line is she is freaking out.

PC is baffled too, though he can't deny the "smoking gun" IP address. But the bottom line is that she now knows a history between him and her that he had hoped to spare her. His past has caught up with him and he has to deal with it.

So why do I feel so sick over it?

Partly because the peace is being broken. STBX is bound to be a very angry person for some time and even though her anger will be directed at PC, it affects me.

Partly because I don't want the drama. Now that I have tasted quiet life, I'm not really ready to give it up.

Partly because it raises questions.

PC is guilty of the same and worse that I convicted EH of. It all occurred before my time in his life, but still has the power to unsettle me. Do I hold those actions against him or can I believe that they had nothing to do with me, happened before me and don't really involve me? I lean towards the latter. I don't feel like the past he had before me should affect us.

It would be almost impossible to express how strongly I do not want to wander down that path again, and yet - here I am. On that path. As a bystander this time. The emails were not from or to me, so I'm not the "other woman" but being here again still bothers me.

I love PC. I need to continue on our drama free days. I've had enough drama over the past years for 8 lifetimes and I'm just not willing to experience it all again.

So, how exactly do I navigate this path this time? Or do I just ignore it? If PC and I are a team/partners/in love than I have to walk it with him. I can't ignore or avoid it.

Is this the karma?

I'm going to share some deeper things with you. I know at least one person will appreciate them.

When I found out about EH and his affair, I was livid beyond reason. Sanity gone. I was pregnant, hormonal and even worse - I was a happily married woman who believed in her marriage with all of her heart. I shattered into a million pieces. I still loved (and alternately hated) EH, but my rage was primarily directed at the other woman. I felt she was even more guilty than he was. I wanted her to suffer the way that I was. The way EH was. I wanted her punished. I fantasized about how to get even. I sent nasty emails, left nasty comments on her blog and sought to engage her in fights every chance I could. She responded each and every time and eventually initiated more than reacted. We goaded each other. As much as she was a daily thorn for me, it became clear that she relished the fights. Eventually her boyfriend got involved as well and he took the fight to more dangerous levels. I wasn't able to let go of them until I left EH. When I walked away from EH I gave up the reason to fight. Today, I could honesty care less about either of them. When she last emailed me out of the blue to be bitchy it was to ask if I had found out her ex's contact info and sent him the dirt on her. I hadn't. Once I would have loved to, but I hadn't. The truth is that I never really had enough information on her to do it. By the time karma had bitchslapped her by revealing her past to her ex, I was beyond it enough to not even care. Once I would have celebrated it.

Karma...I know karma plays a role here. The casting has been changed around, but I've ended up seeing her position in person.

Now, I have learned from her. I would never antagonize STBX the way she so loved to do to me. I remember how hurt I was and how I lashed out in anger, so I just can't hate STBX. I can hate some of her actions, but I wouldn't wish anything bad on her. Because of my experience I can be the bigger person that once I might not have been. Maybe it takes a walk in those shoes to understand. I've now walked in both pairs.

I have to brace myself now for whatever STBX has coming our way. I don't know if this will irrationally intensify her anger towards me or channel it more to him. I don't know if she will start trying to create more problems but her actions since Friday are increasingly unstable. The hacking, the lies, the attempts to start problems...I have to believe a storm is brewing.

What I really have to figure out is if I want to weather that storm again. Bystander or not, it was intense and painful last time and it would take a lot out of me to do it now.

I love PC. That's a good enough reason for me. I have to focus on that when all of my instincts are urging me to ~~walk~~ run away.

Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez

2006-02-28T09:29:00.000-05:00

This morning I flashed PC from my towel-wrapped naked state and held out my hand expectantly for beads and he just looked confused. I did it a 2nd and 3rd time and he slapped my palm as if to give me "five". I finally asked if he knew what day it was and flashed him again.

PC looked me up and down and said "Fat Tuesday?"

I really wish he'd just said "Mardi Gras"...

Still, it is indeed Fat Tuesday. Day of debauchery. Day of beads, King's Cake, drinking-til-you-puke, parades, flashers and revelry.

Except for me. Normally I would be baking a King's Cake, wearing my beads and boa and being generally silly. But things are quiet right now and I overlooked the day...and that's okay with me. Quiet is a nice change.

I'm surprised by the lack of drama in my life lately. I've been surrounded by drama for so long that I just don't know what to do with myself during the quiet times.

You give me peace I told PC.

With that said, I feel ready to start focusing on things one at a time.

Mission #1. Cooking. My March project will be to work on my cooking. I'm not a bad cook, but I'm interested in getting better. I'll be adding to my kitchen appliances and learning some skills. I'd like to celebrate my work by having a small dinner party at our condo by the end of the month (on April 1st - Saturday)

Which means, PC, that the dining room table clock is ticking!!!

You're all invited of course...

My Bad Man

2006-02-27T12:40:00.000-05:00

What makes a person "bad"?

PC considers himself to be bad. He's been told he's "bad" all of his life. STBX has repeatedly told him how "bad" he is. He takes a certain amount of pride in his badness.

He told me we're a perfect fit because I am bad too.

Now, I admit to being far from perfect. I know that I have a tendency to look at a situation and my first thoughts are of how the situation affects me. I don't mean to be selfish or self-centered, but I do react that way before cognizant thought has a chance to organize. Your house just burned down? My first thought is of that scarf I loaned you, whether you plan to stay with me or of the dinner party we were supposed to attend at your place next week. Only after those thoughts flood my mind in the first 15 seconds do I have a moment to realize how sorry I am for you.

And if your misfortune can be my good fortune, I think of that too.

I don't mean to. It's how I am wired. I never thought I was a bad person. I supposed I am after all. I pretended to be deeply offended and sulked a bit. He seemed unsure of whether I was teasing or not. Inside I was laughing at his silliness.

PC has made choices in his life that weren't "good" choices. He's used situations to his advantage. He's manipulated. Is he bad?

From an outsider's perspective, I could see how someone might want to call him a "bad man". He's broken the law (white collar crime back in the day) and paid the price. He left his marriage. He slept around while married. And so on...

But this is the same man who sees to it that my needs are met, holds me tight when I need it most, tries to please me every chance he gets and whispers that he loves me in the night. He's anything but bad to me.

When I worry or fret, he jumps to soothe me or reassure me. He promises things will work out and then looks for ways to make that happen. Since PC lacks the capacity for empathy or sympathy, this is a special compliment to my position in his life.

That Off-Broadway show I have been dying to see for many years? He gets the tickets. My favorite restaurants? Pricey, but he takes me to both of my favorites in the span of 1 month. My lifelong dream of seeing snow? He flies me to Chicago on my birthday to see it for the first time.

I worry from time to time that something awful will happen to me and he won't want to be around it. With STBX's father in bad shape, PC hasn't lost any sleep over it or tried to see him, even though they were "friends" for 10 years or so. I worry about what might happen if I got sick. If the family cancer hit me, or a stroke or something awful.

What will happen if I get cancer? I asked him.

Then we'll go through that. He told me.

We. We.

And I believe him. Because to me, this bad man is only very, very good.

The Weekend Endeth

2006-02-26T19:52:00.000-05:00

The weekend is drawing to a close and in all, it was a very satisfying one.

Friday night's date night was lovely. We savored fondue delicacies ranging from crisp veggies, bread and cheese to lobster, filet mignon, sirloin, scallops and finished with chocolate pecan fondue. I love The Melting Pot. Our plans to walk on the moonlit beach were sabotaged by a rainy night, but we took shelter in a renowned seaside bar (The Elbo Room) and played some pool.

Saturday, EH and I took SG to see the Florida Panthers pratice live at Incredible Ice. After we went to the Morikami Japanese Museum for the Hatsume Festival of spring. SG had a blast.

Sunday, PC and I took SG to The Florida Renaissance Festival. The rain soaked us to the bone and a brisk wind froze me, but we enjoyed the day. Still, it was heaven to return home and soak in a hot bath for a bit and warm up.

Our new neighbors are a concern to me. We are buying a condo, and living in it already, and renters moved in next door. The wife/mother seems to have some problems. She's always been quiet and sweet when we speak, but this weekend she was insane. SG played outside and witnessed her screaming profanities with blood pouring down her face. Her grown children who also live with her said she did it by slamming her own head repeatedly against a wall.

Throughout the weekend, we've heard her screaming in anger, pounding, slamming doors, storming off, speeding away and otherwise acting like a maniac.

She apologized but it didn't seem to stop repeat performances. SG was unnerved by it all and I hate to think I will have to say something to her. I feel badly for whatever she is going through (her kids said they suspect bi-polar) but my responsibility is to my little girl and this is just not acceptable.

I'm relaxed and feeling quite nice after my weekend. Looking forward to each day and not letting the small things frustrate me.

5 Minutes

2006-02-24T16:36:00.000-05:00

Just 5 minutes until my night begins!

PC called to tell me he'd made reservations at The Melting Pot for tonight's date night and then planned a little moonlit beach action. I'm so charmed! He may have planned that part, but I'm already making plans for after that!

And not one of them is remotely PG rated.

I have a busy, busy weekend but it's scheduled to be filled with all sorts of quality time, fun things and I am so excited! Finally!!! A GOOD weekend?!? My word, it's been months since I had one of those!

2 minutes. I think I can kill that packing my purse and grabbing my keys! See ya!!!

TGIF

2006-02-24T09:14:00.000-05:00

...and now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

As you might have guessed, there was an incident last night. Someone hacked PC's email and took the time (a lot of time) to forward me a large number of emails between him and other women (sound familiar?). The emails date from January 2005 - early October 2005. PC and I became involved in November 2005.

I've already seen and read every one of the emails before. PC shared them with me so that I could understand his past. He also made a promise to me that I would never have to worry about that again. And thus far, he has been true to his word.

One of the emails that was "accessed" contained a link to an old page on this blog. Sitemeter was helpful enough to point out that at about 3:20 something pm yesterday someone clicked a link in a yahoo email and landed at that exact page. The IP address told me what I already knew. It was STBX. Gmail further helped by showing the IP address of the forwarder of the emails. Still STBX. Now, STBX isn't well-versed in the internet world and probably doesn't know much about the blogging world. From what I can see, she didn't access any other pages and hasn't been back. I don't think she will. Odds are good that she had no idea what she was seeing and probably didn't even read it. My open letter to her was just me getting my thoughts out since I have no intention of contacting her.

It was "uncomfortable" to see the emails. There was a deja vu about it from my experience with EH. But it helped that they were all pre-Odd Wife and that I had already seen them all. Still, PC was so wonderful. He dismissed the situation but was still concerned for me. He made a point of being attentive and loving and kind and before I knew it, I was more wrapped up in him than in fretting over such a silly thing. Before we fell asleep, I thanked him for it.

Tonight is date night and I am more excited than usual. We missed last weeks date night, so I'm overdue! And PC is taking his turn at it tonight, so my evening is being planned for me. I asked what the plan was and was told he was going to surprise me. How cool it that?

From the playfulness of the night before, to the tenderness of last night - it's all been so sweet. We got our cherished skin time last night and this time it was so intensely loving and passionate that I had no question in my mind how he felt about me.

And I feel exactly the same about him...

My Comments on Your Actions

2006-02-23T20:47:00.000-05:00

Dear STBX,

Yes, I received the emails. I really wish you had just asked me if I knew about them before you spent hours forwarding them to me. I've seen every one of them before. I'm well aware of all of those situations. We had "full disclosure" with one another because we were committed to being honest and open with each other. Did you pay attention to the dates on the emails? Did you notice when they abruptly stopped?

Yes, I know that you sent them. Yes, I know that you're pretending you have no idea what I am talking about and that's okay. But please know that your IP addresses showed up in the email headers as well as on the blog link you clicked. IP addresses don't lie. And I know yours.

I imagine your intentions were to upset me or cause a fight. But I think what you did hurt you much more than it hurt me, and I am sorry for that. I've already read all of those emails. He shared them all with me when this began.

Most importantly, I'm wondering if you found the answer in those emails. The answer that I couldn't give you. You wouldn't have heard me. The answer is this: It was never about me.

Check the dates. Your problems date back to at least the beginning of last year in those emails. Long before I knew either of you. He was already gone, but still staying for his children. Knowing that, can you stop blaming me? Can you realize it was over long before I was an issue?

You have been through a lot of pain these past few months. You're dealing with a lot of anger. Right now, your family needs you and your strength. Your focus should be with them and not on digging up the past or trying to cause strife. Don't let this cloud the things that are truly important to you.

You already know that once upon a time I walked in your shoes. I was just as angry and bitter and hateful. It cost me something that I can never replace and will always mourn.

STBX, your marriage was over years ago. He told you that he was staying only for the kids for a very long time but that was growing harder and harder for him. You didn't get along. There was no communication, no honesty and no affection.

I am sorry for all that you are going through. I hope you will find that it is far better to put your energies into moving forward rather than fighting. There is no fight. The situation is what it is. No one wants to battle you. No one wants to hurt you.

It was never about me. Don't let it be about me now. Your family needs you and your kids need you. Let it be about them now.

You obviously know my email if you should want to talk.

Funny Girl

2006-02-23T12:10:00.000-05:00

I caved and cleaned the house (or most of it) last night while I had some time to myself and I actually feel better about it. I'm hoping to get the rest done tonight.

PC was a busy man last night and it was nearly 11 pm before I had a moment alone with him. We snuggled up to watch American Idol together (thank you, TIVO) and relaxed.

It was less than an hour, but it was heaven. Nothing happened, just him and I together, laughing, kidding each other and playfully wrestling. It was just what I needed.

In all of it, he said to me, "You make me laugh" as we touseled again over some imaginary bickering.

It was a wonderful compliment. I want to make him laugh. I want to make him smile, laugh, sigh and think deep thoughts. I want to make him think of me when he hears songs on the radio. I want to make him appreciate me. I want to make him miss me when we're apart.

And, he says I do all of that. But hearing that one compliment delivered so easily and casually as we laughed and wrestled together was as wonderful as if he had recited a sonnet to me.

"You make me laugh"

That's good enough for me.

Humping Alone

2006-02-22T12:30:00.000-05:00

Happy "Hump Day" to you and yours. Mine will be a lonely one with PC off to visit his boys and SG spending her night with EH. I'll be flying solo until after 8 pm and it'll be nice to have a bit of quiet time.

A solo hump day isn't all that bad, is it? Sure, it's lacking in the pleasant purpose, but let's face it...I could tackle the job on my own. Or...I could wait. Hmmm...what's a girl to do? Decisions, decisions...

I'm not sure how to describe my mood du jour. It's pretty good, no anxiety - but there's this undercurrent that I can't describe well. A bit like being hungry but not really wanting to eat. Conflicted?

My energy level is low and there are some frustrations surrounding me. SG not listening well to me lately, trying to catch up on past due bills, PC considering another major job change, PC thinking the cleaning fairy is supposed to visit or worse that it's my responsibility because I have a vagina (and everyone knows a vagina is required for scrubbing toilets, sweeping, mopping and picking up wet towels.)

The drama is quieted at the moment and leaves me an unfortunate glimpse of my daily life: Work at a lovely job that I adore, but it offers no responsibility, duties or challenges beyond simply being there, come home to a child who is sarcastic and aloof more and more lately, cook a dinner which both PC and SG seem to think magically appears on their plates since no one ever seems to say "Thanks!" for my grocery shopping/menu planning/cooking, clean something in a large condo that is perpetually messier each day - again, a chore PC and SG seem to think occurs by magic since they don't appreciate me scrubbing the toilet, tub, counter, sink, mopping, etc. Basically I feel completely unappreciated to people at the moment.

I hate sweeping and mopping our 100% tile condo. PC hates it too. He hates it to the point that he just won't do it. I tried that. We're on week 2 and it's looking rough. With 2 cats...it's just not pretty. PC is pretending not to notice and I'm on strike.

I work as hard as PC does...which really isn't saying much at the moment since we both have jobs that we can handle with little hard work. Nevertheless, we both work about 40 hours a week. We both MAKE the messes. Why am I the one who has to deal with it?

The problem is PC is used to STBX who never worked a day in their marriage and had nothing better to do than mop. PC and I both feel strongly about me working, so I don't have the luxury of 40 hours a week to dedicate to our home.

Yes, I'm annoyed. Not to mention feeling a bit "taken for granted" by damned near everyone around me.

So....PMS? Probably.

Oh, this old thing?

2006-02-21T12:04:00.000-05:00

My supervisor let me go early last night, as she sometimes does, and I raced home at top speed. Seeing PC's car in the parking lot thrilled me and I dashed up the stairs and crept quietly into the house. I tiptoed to the bedroom, following the sounds of the television and saw his toes at the foot of the bed. I sprang into full-speed and threw myself on him, covering him with hugs and kisses.

He didn't have to ask if I missed him.

The evening was fairly low-key. PC had his regular Monday conference call and SG was working on a school project. I fell asleep unexpectedly and woke just as the call ended. PC and I snuggled into our spots and watched tv. Later we played just a bit. Did I imagine that it felt a little different?

Afterwards, we settled onto our front steps for our traditional "After Sex, Before Bed, Robes-Only Cigarette" and talked in the moonlight. We talked a bit about my meltdown that morning and he continued to be understanding. We talked a bit about love, fidelity, honesty, communication and our needs. We seem to be on the same page and I feel infinitely calmer.

I had to correct PC though when he used the word "jealousy". This is a hard distinction to make, but what I feel is not jealousy. If PC wants to leave me for another woman I won't like it, I'll be sad and hurt but I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't want me anyway. What stirs me up is the fear that he'll keep women on the side for "fun" and lie to me about it the way EH did. The way PC did with his STBX wife. That's what scares me. You can't understand what it is unless you have been through it, but it takes a chunk of your life away. You find yourself re-examining everything over the past trying to pinpoint the clues you missed, the lies you fell for, the signs you overlooked and you see so many hurtful things. I don't ever want to have to rearrange my memories like that again.

I feel better, but tired. Still, it's a new day. I wonder where today will take me?

JACKASS: Definition = The Odd Wife

2006-02-20T10:01:00.000-05:00

I need to be locked up. Locked away. Kept from interacting with the public at all costs. Weapons of mass destruction? I know where they are...I found them in my head.

Feeding on my anxiety from last night, I looked for evidence of a problem. I was a lunatic. I stayed up all night trying to rationalize it all. By 5 am I was convinced he couldn't really love me, because I am of course completely unlovable. I decided to "catch" him so I could triumphantly prove that he couldn't love me/be trusted/stay in a relationship with me.

I am a giant jackass.

I went through his cell phone records. When I found 1 number called 2 times a day every day, I thought "Eureka! I found it!" I called the # (hoping like hell to get a voice mail) and a woman answered. I apologized for calling the wrong number and hung up.

Did I mention what a giant jackass I am? Huge. Enormous.

I called the unsuspecting PC at 8 am. He greeted me warmly with his usual "Hey baby!" that sounded happy to hear from me and the tears started to fall right then and there. I love this man and was about to lose him because I was either (a) right and he was a cheating dog or (b) I was about to reveal just how BIG of a jackass I was to him. I was ready to lose him either way.

I apologized and told him I was not doing well and proceded to very tentatively ask him about the things I was worried over.

The phone # turned out to be a work colleague. A real one, not some bullshit story. As it happened, the guys wife answered the phone. And she's probably wondering about the wrong number lady who called her husband.

What's bigger than enormous? I am a super-colossal jackass. I should be flogged.

PC never got upset. He was initially confused, then sorry to hear I was so insane but the entire time we talked he kept assuring me that he loved me, only me, wasn't going to do anything to screw this up, understood completely and encouraged me to always ask him when I had a doubt of any kind. He was a saint. I told him I completely understood if he wanted to dump such a crazy woman and find a nice, sane lady to love and he told me he was staying with me.

I felt better and worse all in one. I also felt an overwhelming urge to slap EH for making me such a fucking jackass. Tempting, but no.

I considered therapy, I considered a convent (do they have pagan convents?), I considered sedation. In the end, I know it will take time and patience from my partner to ever grow back into a person who can trust.

The tears are still falling, only now they are more gratitude for PC's understanding, relief from not catching him at an affair, sorrow for the whopping jackass that I have become, anger at EH for breaking me so completely and just a little hope because PC's understanding and ease with the incident once again offered the tiniest (and I mean TINIEST!!!) glimmer of hope that someone could be trusted.

I still haven't cracked the IM mystery, but I don't think I will ever be able to prove it either.

Meanwhile, PC comes home tonight and I am going to try like hell to get some sort of a grip on myself and not continue to be such an astronomic, barn door, big mama, blimp, colossal, excessive, gargantuan, gigantic, gross, huge, humongous, immense, jumbo, king-size, mammoth, massive, monstrous, mountainous, prodigious, stupendous, super-colossal, titanic, tremendous, vast, whopping JACKASS.

Take 2

2006-02-19T23:50:00.000-05:00

I posted something earlier that was hostile and angry. In the past 2 hours, I've had some alone time to think and have decided to rewrite/reword/rethink the situation. I removed the post.

I have serious trust issues. Beyond serious. Terminal, even. I watched my mother leave two men after affairs - it cost me my Dad and my StepDad of 20 years. I learned that my grandparents marriage was a pack of lies. I heard lie after lie after lie from my family growing up. It did some damage. When EH betrayed me, it was the final straw. Here was the first, and only person, I had ever believed in and trusted with all of my heart. When he lied to me for 6 months to have his fling and I found out, I was beyond devastated. I lost my baby over it. In my mind, lies and betrayal equal devastation and the loss of things that matter to me.

I've been trying desperately to trust PC. Not only because I love him, but because I need to be able to trust someone again. I need it so much - well, you just can't imagine. I need to love someone and have them love me back and I need to know I can count on them. When you don't have that in your life - with anyone - not friend, family or lover, you feel so desperately alone and lost and broken.

You know PC is away this weekend. That increases my anxiety, but I was coping pretty well. Not fantastic, but that is something that would come with time. All told, I was doing okay.

I use Trillian for instant messaging. It let's me connect to AOL, Yahoo, MSN - all of them in one easy place so I can keep all of my "buddies" connected. When PC IMed me earlier tonight, he had his web cam on and in order for me to see it I had to log off Trillian and log into Yahoo directly. After we had chatted, I got booted and Yahoo closed on me.

I reopened the program and clicked connect. The login information was pre-entered. As it turns out, it wasn't mine. It was PC's log on.

Now, PC connects to Yahoo around the clock in our home. Never a problem. Almost always on with no odd occurences.

Tonight...not so much.

The instant it connected I was bombarded, and I mean bombarded with the slutty spammy IMs from women. "Miss me (x)?" "Hiya gorgeous (x)!" "Click here to see me naked!"

Now, I'm a tad computer savvy. If this doesn't happen usually in our home, then suddenly happens tonight - odds are good that PC's been in chat rooms or something like that, right? There's just no other explanation, is there? 14 messages in 3 minutes today, but never any other time?

I called him and asked about it and he assured me he hadn't done anything. Then, after 10-15 minutes the messages stopped as suddenly as they had started. Let me guess...chat room exited? Was I lied to? Which part was the lie? That he did anything? That he love(s)/(ed) me?

I can't describe my thoughts right now. I'm torn between two things: Love him without ever trusting him (or anyone, for that matter) or leave him and just stay away from relationships which only seem to reopen old wounds for me.

I'm hurt, I can't deny that. I want so much to believe him, but after what I've been through and what it cost me, I just can't. I can't. Maybe I never can.

I've been down this road, and I'll be damned if I'm doing it again. I honestly couldn't survive it.

Love him or leave him? Or do I choose door #3?

I never wanted to feel this way again. The doubts, the hurt, the questions.

I was fine...

2006-02-19T21:49:00.000-05:00

I enjoyed the beach today with SG and got some sun on my skin. The water was crystal clear and the day was warm, with a light breeze. I relaxed with a good book and tried not to let the silence of my cell phone annoy me. When I arrived home, I had an IM from PC explaining that his cell battery was dead and decided to let him live without a limp for not calling.

I was feeling fine - even keeled and accepting PC's absence until tonight. Sure, I missed him, but coping without him.

PC and I chatted on IM for a few minutes and he connected to me with his web cam.

There he was. Unshaven, as he often is on the weekends, in a dark shirt. Smiling. And now it hurts. I didn't know how much I missed him until I saw his face and his smile and couldn't be there to touch him.

1 more day. I can't wait.

Absence

2006-02-19T10:02:00.000-05:00

I've missed PC.

Friday and Saturday I kept myself busy enough to not dwell on the absence, but today will be different. Today will be a day of reflection.

I'm packing SG and myself off to the beach for a bit before I come home and tackle the housework. While she plays, I can absorb the sun and just think.

My position is a tough one. I'm thrilled PC gets to be with his boys all weekend. I'm disappointed that I barely heard from him. That "out of sight, out of mind" thing with him. I'm worried about his STBX's father, who is not recovering well from his stroke. I'm worried about the impact on STBX, the kids and PC.

Time to clear my mind for a bit. The worries will all still be there for me to fret over later.

I Survived

2006-02-17T14:56:00.000-05:00

It's payday and I am still reeling from the magic. I took my little piece of paper to the bank and they gave me cash for it. A concept I have dearly missed for the past 30 DAYS!!!

PC is gone, gone, gone. Off to stay in his old house for the next 3 days while his STBX is on her cruise. I feel awful because her father suffered a stroke this morning and she found out about it on her trip. The kids were staying with her parents today until PC picked them up, but he's had to rush down to get them instead.

For the 4th day, PC managed to swing by for a lunch date with me. My co-workers are green with envy. I'm charmed :)

PC's doing really well with his job and it looks like it's starting to come together for him. It makes him happier, which makes ME happier! Win-win all around.

I'm still complaint free. Other than a nagging worry I'll be lonely for the next 3 days, I can't come up with anything to complain about!

Not a bad thing, eh? Just not exciting reading.

That Man

2006-02-16T11:47:00.000-05:00

For the 3rd time this week, I enjoyed a lunch date with PC. It says something to me that he keeps managing to swing by for lunch to see me. He works easily 30 miles away and whenever he manages to be "in the area" he calls me up for lunch. I'm charmed by it!

I'll be PC-free this weekend and hating it. He's spending Friday, Saturday and Sunday at his old house watching his kids while STBX is off on a cruise. I know he's looking forward to the time with his boys, but I still feel a bit creeped out at the idea of him sleeping in his old bed in his old room in his old house surrounded by his old life. Besides that, I'll just miss him!

I'm planning to use the time well, though. Some errands, some fun time with SG and relaxing. With any luck, the weekend will just fly by...

I continue to feel more and more relaxed with PC and happy all around. I have no idea if it's by design or just luck, but it's working for me right now. I'm not worrying or stressing or looking for problems at the moment and things have been on a really even keel for the entire week. I'm beginning to feel a completely new sense of "well-being" that I don't know if I have ever experienced before. This feeling like things are taken care of and everything is just right.

It feels kinda good!

The only possible anxiety I can dream up is one I feel powerless to handle. STBX. I'm not worried or anything like that, but a part of me does wish that I could come to some sort of a resolution with her that would make everyone's lives easier. From what I understand from PC, she no longer "blames" me for the divorce (a good step). I want to eventually get to a place with her where we can co-exist in peace. I want her to be able to leave the kids with us when she needs a break or has plans without it being a huge complicated deal. I want PC to be able to relax and not feel like a sirloin standing between two tigers, wondering which woman he's going to annoy/piss off/hurt/offend today.

Any suggestions? Or should I just leave it alone?

The Day After

2006-02-15T12:50:00.000-05:00

I usually blog about my worries, my concerns, my stress...I'm finding it so much harder to blog when I feel happy and relaxed. I imagine those times are infinitely more rare, huh?

So...you'll be treated to my random thoughts today.

Valentine's Day was lovely. PC bought us the aforementioned Tony & Tina's Wedding tickets and a card that was incredibly on the mark. His note handwritten inside was even sweeter. All in all, the spirit was captured and felt so wonderful. We cooked a dinner of mahi mahi and pasta together and once again, relaxed in front of the TV to our favorite shows. PC's card talked about wishing we could spend Valentine's Day in Paris or Venice, and he might never know that the fact that he wished it meant more than if we had even been there. I truly, wholeheartedly enjoyed our day together.

It's beginning to look like I won't see PC for the entire weekend, which I am not crazy about. The blow is softened by the fact that I get paid for the first time in over a month and can breathe just a little bit instead of staying cooped up in the house. EH and I made plans to take SG ice-skating on Saturday. She's been dying for lessons and we want to see if she enjoys it as much after trying it before we sink the money into it. I remember all too well how fast she got bored with guitar only AFTER I spent the money on the guitar and the lessons. Silly girl...

I'm not much of an expensive (meaning: "real") jewelry girl (mainly because I lose things) but I have fallen madly in love with this ring. Granted, it's not expensive, but it's stunning. There's matching earings and a necklace on the site too, but the ring really caught my eye. I may have to save up those paychecks...!

I tried on 2 dresses that have been hiding in the very back of my closet. Dresses I bought 9 1/2 years ago after SG was born and haven't fit into since. I'm crazy about both dresses, so I held them. They're a size smaller than I wear now, so I was hesitant to try them on...but I did...and...they fit. They're just a little snug, making them hitch up a bit at the waist where they should lie smoothly, but they fit. Zipped up without a fight and fit. I even managed to wear one last night. PC said he liked it and when EH dropped SG off, we hugged and he was in no hurry to let go - so I'm guessing they looked halfway decent and I'm so glad! Now I feel more motivated to make them fit smoothly and continue on the quest for gorgeousness.

I'm having lunch with my Dad today.

I'm going to beat PC half-to-death tonight if he doesn't help me with the house. The house is a mess right now. PC has complained about it and I felt guilty. We share the housework 50/50 - something new to him since his STBX wife was a housewife, but we both work full time jobs and we can share the duties. Unfortunately, I am beginning to realize we're not actually sharing the duties since PC is slickly escaping (refusing) to do the chores that suck the most...clean bathrooms, sweep, mop...I did make him an offer that if he got me a Hoover Floormate, I would do the tile floors (they're ALL tile) without complaint. I want THIS ONE.

It's that or a maid. But I'm getting grouchy feeling like it's supposed to be MY responsibility. Possessing a vagina does not make me a slave. The deal is a simple one with 4 options: (1) Share 50/50 (even the sucky chores) (2) Share 60/40 and buy me the Floormate as a sacrifice for the floors (3) Hire a maid (4) Earn enough constant income to keep me home as a housewife with an allowance so I can shop and go places without begging for money. Fair enough, yes?

Anyhoo...

Random enough for you?

Self-Analysis

2006-02-14T10:04:00.000-05:00

Celtic Cross posted a Johari window generator which was invented in the 1950s as a model for mapping personality awareness. You describe yourself from a fixed list of adjectives, then ask others to describe you from the same list, a grid of overlap and difference can be built up.

Celti said it best when she said, "I've always been very curious about how others perceive me versus how I perceive myself. One thing that I noticed while doing this was the lack of negative words - there are a few that lean towards the negative, but very few. I suppose it doesn't hurt to put a positive spin on things, but, in light of that, how accurate can it be? What if I saw myself as irresponsible, obnoxious and annoying? lol"

Following Celti, I've made my own. Please visit my Johari window and submit the words you associate with me. You can create your own while you're there and we can all do the self-analysis together.

Happy Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T09:29:00.000-05:00

The day of hearts and flowers is upon us and it's hard not to feel the warm fuzzies. Stll broke, I bought a card for PC and made him a small picture frame collage of photos of us that I had printed off on our color printer. Not nearly what I wanted to do for him, but at least a token...

PC's STBX wife pulled the stunt we both silently suspected was coming and informed him last night that he was supposed to take his boys today (his usual night is actually Wednesday). Neither of us had shared our suspicions but we both had them. PC informed her that he had plans (I was so proud of him) and she didn't take it well. An argument ensued and in the end he agreed to see the boys for an hour or so, still allowing him to be home for dinner. She likes to call him to drop last minute plans for him and the kids on him and when he has already made plans she'll throw "I guess she means more than the kids" or something like that. It's unfair to him. She accused him of throwing it in her face that he had Valentine's plans when all he said was "I have plans". I apologized to him when he hung up because I end up feeling awful knowing it's because of me that he has to go through all of it. It's a tough situation. Instead of relaxing tonight, I actually feel terrible that he's not with his kids.

I feel badly for STBX too. I don't wish anything bad for her. I do wish we could get to a place of peaceful acceptance and co-existance. I really do. If we could somehow all work together, I think everyone would be happier.

I came out to my car to find a little love note from PC informing me that I was cordially invited to Tony & Tina's Wedding. I have wanted to see this ever since I first heard about it 5 years ago. It's coming in to town next month and we'll be there! If you don't know what it is, be sure to click the link and read about it. I'm thrilled. I was hoping for a card or a rose or chocolate (always a perfect gift!)...and this is wonderful!

I felt closer to PC last night, so I believe our talk helped so much. I was relaxed with him and the mood between us was playful and fun as we watched 24 and The Bachelor together. This morning all I wanted was to stay snuggled up to him under the covers and warm but his iron will sent him on his way to work.

Tonight, our plans are...well, no plans. We're broke. He bought a brand new car yesterday and theater tickets so we'll be eating in. What we will eat remains a mystery but I am looking forward to it either way...

Patience, Odd Wife

2006-02-13T12:58:00.000-05:00

PC and I got a chance to talk yesterday about some of the things I was frustrated with and for the most part it went well. He kept seeming to think I was asking him to choose between me and his boys, which is something I would never do. Then he seemed to think I was breaking up with him. Other than those two insulting bits, the conversation went well and I felt better.

He was attentive and warm yesterday which was a lovely treat after feeling so far apart from him. I can honestly say that I enjoyed him thoroughly.

I still have to figure myself out. I can't grasp the way I am feeling. Impatient...anxious...stressed...excluded...frustrated. All bad things to be feeling in a relationship. I'm not exactly sure how to conquer the negative feelings. I enjoy PC but lately it is too easy to let the bad feelings overtake the good ones.

I always feel like I am waiting for something that never comes. I just don't know what that something is...more time? money? love? What? And why does whatever it is seem to elude me?

At least I can honestly say that the problem seems to be me.

I called PC to check in on him and he's buying a new car down the street. We're going to try to meet for lunch which will be nice!

And...tomorrow's Valentine's Day. I wonder what that will be like.

Sleepless

2006-02-12T04:21:00.000-05:00

It's ironic that I referred to cancelling date night as a "cardinal sin" just the other day since PC just cancelled next Friday's date night with me.

I'm sleepless tonight. My mind is just whirling with thoughts that I don't know how to process. Some matters of right and wrong are so simple. You don't lie, steal, kill or run red lights. Why is it that right and wrong are so hard to understand when it comes to the heart?

PC and I both came into this relationship with "baggage". We handled it differently. I made my own "baggage" a part of our life together. I brought my entire family into this relationship, introduced him to everyone and made it all "ours". PC is important to me and it's equally important that my family is a part of it. His is still neatly separated from our life together. To date I have never met one of his friends or family members, save for pre-relationship when I met the kids and his STBX wife. Granted his family (a sister and two brothers) live far away.

And what is our life together anyway? Because somehow, at 4:30 in the morning I am still feeling like this big 3rd wheel in his life. I can understand that his STBX wife doesn't want his children around me. I really do. But that alone separates him and I largely. Somehow when I imagined PC and I together I pictured us all together. I didn't imagine always waiting on the outside of his life for him. I pictured days with all the kids playing. I pictured quality time as a whole.

Our money is still largely limited. PC spends 2 days/nights a week with his kids and they go out and do fun things together. When it comes to me, or me & SG, we seem to spend all of our time sitting around the house watching tv. I wish we could bring it all together and have all of us do things together instead of always feeling so left out. I feel like I spend a tremendous amount of time on the sidelines waiting. How do I bring PC & SG together into more of a family unit when our own time together is almost always sitting at opposite ends of our fairly large condo. There's almost no interaction between him and SG and there's absolutely no interaction between me and his children.

How do we build a life together when the most important parts of our life have to always be so separated?

It's a catch 22, really. And I'm beginning to see it as one that might never be resolved.

I feel alone tonight, but not in a bad way. I left EH because I needed to find happiness and I fell in love with PC along the way. I certainly found love, but did I actually find happiness too? Or did I manage to stumble into another impossible relationship?

PC spent the day with his kids, SG spent the day with EH. Everyone went out and had fun. I spent the day at the beach by myself watching families and friends and couples play and laugh. I spent the day watching everything I don't have. I went to relax in the sun, I left feeling cold.

I came home fairly late, knowing that PC was having a family dinner with STBX wife and his kids for his son's birthday. Knowing she was hoping to reconcile, I knew the topic would come up between them. I had resolved myself that I would accept it either way. It's a choice he has to make to go back to her or to make it clear to her that it's over. It's yet another choice to be with me or not. I was comfortable in that acceptance, but about 30 minutes before he was due home I started to literally tremble and shake. I didn't ask the fates to bring him home to me. I didn't ask for him to choose me. I asked that he make the right choice and to give me strength either way to face it.

So, where's that strength I ordered?

STBX wife is going on a cruise this week and PC will be spending time with his boys while she's away. It was originally to be Weds. and Saturday nights (overnight) and I had planned for that. Tonight he told me it's Friday and Saturday instead and that we'd have to skip date night. A little sting since that's my pay day and I'll actually have a few dollars to do date night the way I've been hoping to.

Instead, since EH has SG overnight and PC will be gone overnight, I think I'll go out and drink the night away in some crowded bar for the night and try to figure out just what the fuck it is that I want out of this life and how to go about getting it for a change.

I don't know how to make this relationship work with all of these special rules. Be my soulmate, just leave me alone on this day, this day and this day? Be there when I need you, go away when I don't? Sit this one out.

I know people from divorced marriages with kids make new relationships work all the time. I just don't know how. Especially when I'm not allowed to be in the same place at the same time as his kids. And is that ever supposed to change?

I'm just frustrated and venting, so don't mind me if this makes little to no sense. It just seems to me the pictures in the brochure PC and I painted together long ago aren't quite turning out to be what we imagined.

I reread the 4 love letters PC gave me in the beginning of this relationship. One talked about how all he wanted was to make me happy. And that's true. And he's great at it. I just didn't realize it was based upon the moments he had nothing better to do...which equals about 8 hours a week.

So, the bottom line is I'm unhappy. I'm sure I'm being selfish or spoiled, but I need something to change to be happy - and is it such a crime to want to be happy???

And PC can't make any changes in this area.

So that leaves us...where?

Hey, you do the math.

Date Night

2006-02-11T11:32:00.000-05:00

I took SG to her Valentine's Day Dance with EH last night, where she jumped around to loud music. EH refused to dance with me even when I pleaded for him to join me for "Dancing Queen".

I returned home at about 8:30 and opened the door to a dim condo, lit by candle. The smell of an amazing meal immediately hit me and the table was set with a spinach salad topped with crunchies, croutons, cheddar cheese. There was a red foil wrapped chocolate rose on my plate and a bottle of red wine on the table. PC served up artichokes, ribeye steaks and loaded enormous baked potatoes. It was delicious.

Dinner was slightly stilted by the topic hanging over us. During the meal, his cell phone was vibrating with calls, presumably from STBX wife. He ignored them.

We talked only a little about it. He reassured me again that he had no desire to return to her and I admitted to worrying about it.

We adjourned to the bedroom where I was treated to a baby oil massage before the more sensual activities began. Again, it was over as I was just warming up and when I protested, PC suggested a break before "round two".

"Round two" never happened. PC flipped on the TV and I eventually fell asleep. It should have been a perfect date night, but it just didn't completely come together.

Today PC has his boys and then he's having dinner with STBX and the kids for his son's birthday. I don't quite know how I feel, but my mindset today seems to be to just let it all flow. The bottom line is that she wants him back and is going to try to win him back. If he can be "won" back, then he was never really mine, was he? What I mean is that if he has even the slightest desire to be with someone else, then he needs to not be with me anyways so why worry over it?

What I have to remember is what I want/need in a partner. Someone who challenges me, inspires me, stands beside me and who is prepared to commit to me and be faithful. If PC is that man, he's not going anywhere. And, if he's not, then the sooner he goes, the better.

So, I suppose I did make some progress, huh?

I'm going to head off to the beach for a bit of fun in the sun before the cold weather dawns on us. It's gorgeous outside in the high 70's with an expected high of 80, but then tomorrow it is supposed to plummet into the 30's. Only in Florida...

The Fox

2006-02-10T16:57:00.000-05:00

Alright...post after post. Can you tell I have a slow day with much on my mind?

I've been thinking. I think the problem is me.

I was really naive. I believed in all of the romantic movies, songs, fairy tales and poems. I believed in happily ever after and true love that conquered all.

I went through man after man seeing that feeling. You know, the fluttery, lightening bolt, perfect kiss kind of feeling? I'd find it, absorb it all and when it faded or dulled I would break it off and move on to the next one.

When I met EH, it went beyond the crush-ey feelings. It was deep. Very deep. I finally understood what it was to be in love. I was so sure it would last a lifetime. I was so sure he felt what I felt. When he cheated, it killed every belief I had. It broke me into a million pieces. I still get teary-eyed if I think about it, right this minute included.

With PC, I feel it all again. The deeper feeling of "fitting" just right. That sense that we connect somehow. But I'm also changed.

I keep trying to believe. I keep trying to trust. But I never seem to last more than a day or two before I am sure that PC is about to break my heart and every nerve in my body and mind screams, "Run!!!" . PC's done nothing to invoke this. He's been honest and true to his word. So, the problem is me.

What if I just can't ever believe again? It's as if I get right to the edge of accepting it all and then stumble back into a dark hole of doubts each time. It's like proving Santa Clause does not exist and then trying to believe in him again.

I have no faith. I have no trust. And I am beginning to believe I may never have it again. How do you unring that bell? How do you go back to being able to believe? Can someone who has lost the ability to trust and believe ever get it back?

Am I just not capable of relationships anymore?

I feel like the Fox in The Little Prince.

I HATE premonitions

2006-02-10T13:49:00.000-05:00

Damn I hate when my spider-senses get going and now they're going.

I called PC to see how his day was going. I'm looking forward to seeing him and wanted to hear his voice. He tells me that he talked to STBX wife and that I "was right".

Apparently STBX wife doesn't want to be "STBX wife". She wants to be just "wife". She wants to give it another chance "for the kids sakes". She wants my PC to be her PC even if she never thought of him as a Prince Charming until he was gone.

Oy. Oy. Oy. Fuck. Fuckity-fuck-fuck. Damn, damn, damn. And I was having such a good day. All dissolved now in a tight, hot little ball of tension between my shoulder blades while ninja butterflies practice combat maneuvers in my belly. Yep. I'm tense and unhappy about this.

PC swears he has no interest in reconciling with her, but still, I don't like feeling like I am in "competition" for someone. I don't compete for men. If there's even the remotest chance I'll be measured and weighed in a series of pros and cons against another woman for a man's affections, I would just bow out with a one-fingered salute. Any man that has to consider me isn't worth my time.

So, where was I? Oh...yes. Tense. Does it show?

Tense because I can do the math. PC loves his kids and reconciling would mean he lives with his boys again. Tense because maybe STBX isn't going to sign the divorce papers so quickly. They have 2 kids and 10 years of history between them (granted, not very good history, but it seems to have had its moments). Tense because STBX is trying to win back her man while I do ....what?

Nothing. Because if PC wants to go back, he should go now. Otherwise he has an obligation to both STBX and me to make it perfectly clear to her that he wants nothing beyond a friendship with her while he pursues a future with me. Because either me or STBX is about to be hurt. He can't spare it and he can't avoid it. He can only choose to be with one of us and he needs to make sure the message is clear about his decision to all parties. Otherwise, major setback in the progress we've made across the board.

Well, I was overdue for drama. Serves me right for getting involved with a man who is not divorced yet (as if I am one to talk). I just feel so annoyed because I am in desperate need of a much longer break from drama.

I don't know what's going to happen. It's in fate's hands now. If he decides to go back he can become the 2nd man to break my heart and I can deal with it if/when it happens. It's not even remotely as monumental to be the 2nd heartbreaker. To make a real dent, he needed to get to me sooner.

I would venture a guess that the biggest problem is me. I'm a real "leave 'em before they leave you" girl and if I even suspect an ending is in the future, I'd rather walk away first then endure false hopes and disappointments. So, putting the idea in my mind that STBX is trying to win back her man is probably not the best way to quell my ever-present nerves.

I'm already as jumpy as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs when it comes to relationships after my failed marriage. Do I really need this too? Am I just not capable of being in a relationship anymore? Maybe my heart and mind are so soured and jaded and untrusting that I've lost the ability. I feel like a beaten dog that flinches everytime someone tries to pet it, because the second I let someone close and relax, I panic at the first sign of trouble.

Thanks EH, for that legacy. You've left a permanent disfiguring scar that I might never be able to get past. A sort of relationship "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" that sends some nasty signal between heart and brain anytime I feel something resembling love and warns me that to love someone is to commit 12 years of your life to them, busting your ass to take care of them while they stumble along and then come home one day to another woman, a surprise pregnancy that ends in tragedy and the most brokenest heart a girl can have.

Gee, when I think of it that way, love don't seem all that grand after all, does it? Why do we, as human beings, even bother? What godforsaken primal urge is inside us that pushes us to "need" love and companionship?

...and can it be permanently removed for a reasonable price???

The Weekend Cometh...

2006-02-10T10:36:00.000-05:00

After another pleasant day at work I met up with PC at the homestead and was surprised when he offered to take SG and I out for a Mexican dinner. I love Mexican food, so I was mucho pleased.

Tonight is SG's first dance at school. A Valentine's Day dance. I was given permission to leave early to glam up my little girl (or as much as possible without beating her into submission. Honestly! My 9 year old has no interest in fashion.) EH and I will take her and try our best to be inconspicuous as we silently pray she spends the night dancing and laughing without the drama. Do you remember dances at that age? If you're a girl, did you ever go into the girl's bathroom and not see a gaggle of sobbing girls? Oy...

It's date night and PC has most graciously agreed to a "late start" since I may not make it home until 9. He's a saint, I tell you. He has plans with his STBX wife and kids for pretty much the entire day tomorrow and cancelling date night is a cardinal sin...

His STBX wife is being awfully nice to him lately. It makes me feel weird...

I should be home alone most all day Saturday which I'm hoping will force me to clean my poor, neglected house.

Sunday - who knows...?

The upcoming week should be...strange. Our first Valentine's Day is Tuesday. I have no idea what to expect from a man who keeps "forgetting" which day it's on and has already made it known that he 'doesn't believe in flowers'. I'm the sort of girl who will feel insulted without some romantic gesture, so I'm admittedly anxious that my beloved PC will simply shrug it off. (And, of course, have to be suitably punished with a pouting roommate). PC has to spend the night at his STBX's house Wednesday night while she goes out of town on a cruise and while I understand...it's still weird. He'll spend the night there again Saturday night (same cruise) and I'm sure I'll be a little tense. Maybe PC will switch his "night" to Saturday and I can drown my sorrows by going out on the town.

Did I mention payday is 7 days away? Damn, I'm ready to have a few dollars in my pocket.

So...daily PC-gossip? Hmmm. I'm still crazy about the guy. He still rocks my world. His personality captivates me to a point where I find myself wanting to enslave myself to him even as I give him a playful hard time. I can't get past how right he feels to me physically. Hugging him, kissing him, cuddling with him...it's like Goldilocks-syndrome, "This one is juuuuust right".

2 Minutes in Heaven

2006-02-09T14:10:00.000-05:00

PC and I had our own individual things to do last night. He spent his regularly scheduled time with his boys and I accompanied EH on his postponed night with SG to shop for an oufit for her to wear to her first Valentine's Dance at school this Friday night. We arrived back home within minutes of one another and settled in to enjoy our usual TV and cuddling-fest.

Shortly after SG turned in, the amorous fun began. We've been lacking in skin time for days now and were long overdue. I would have given my left arm to have had it last long enough to relieve my frustrations but that wasn't the case. Men may get screwed, but I swear, ultimately it's the woman who gets screwed...

The whole thing feels so damned good and PC is talented beyond my wildest dreams...but just as I'm warming up, he's rolling over with a smile and I'm left in a terrible state of frustration that just continues to mount (pardon the pub) day after day. You know I'm a sex-addict from my rants over the years, but the whole process of building up just to be left in agony is...well, painful. I know females are complicated sorts, so no, I do not expect fireworks everytime. But there are times I feel like...well...a non-entity with no say-so in the matter.

Men have no problem achieving maximum satisfaction in a short period of time whereas the female anatomy requires build-up. Like bringing a pot of cold water to a boil. You have to achieve a slow simmer, building in intensity to a full boil and then you can make the teapot whistle, if you know what I mean.

Now, someone among you reading this is going to remember my almost daily complaints about EH and how he could go for hours without ever doing the teapot/whistling-thing himself and how it used to make me crazy (and not in the oh.my.god.thats.good way). I went berserk trying to figure out why I couldn't turn him on enough to push him over the edge. Those who remember are laughing at me right now. I can hardly blame you.

Now, if PC was simply average in his skills I wouldn't complain, but rather I'd be relieved it was over in a timely manner. But he's not. He's far from average. He has this uncanny ability to touch the EXACT spot at the EXACT time and move in the EXACT way that makes your mind go blank and your body start to sizzle. So, yes...I'm feeling deprived and frustrated and...well, I suppose insignifigant.

Well, you knew I had to have some complaint, right? Geez, I was well behaved for a day or two.

Him

2006-02-08T14:24:00.000-05:00

He's tall, but not too tall. Just tall enough to be perfectly taller than me but not too tall that I can't wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him.

He's built nicely. Not too muscley, which turns me off, but definite "guy" shape. Not too thin, not heavy. Just perfectly.

He's close to me while still giving me tons of room to breathe. But not too distant either. He's just independent enough to make me miss him and long for him, but also just close enough to let me know I'm special to him.

I'm really enjoying PC.

PC and I have uncovered some things in the past week that explain his mannerisms a bit. He's "wired" not to have the same emotional depths that most people have and I have been working to understand and adapt to it. He treats me incredibly well, always kind, tender and loving but when we're apart I am not in his thoughts.

He loves me. This I know. This I believe. Sometimes he will ask me questions that show me he cares about how I feel or what I think. He demands that I assume "my spot" beside him in our bed, head on his right shoulder with his arm around me to watch tv and while I sometimes pretend it's inconvenient, there is no place I would rather be.

He plays with me. He kids and teases and occasionally we wrestle. He's strong enough to give me the illusion that he's really trying, but gentle enough to never hurt me. He lets me believe I'm tough enough to match him but I secretly know he's humoring me.

He makes me happy. He understands when I worry or fret or overanalyze things. If I annoy him, he doesn't let it show.

He's so right in so many ways...

Pleasantly Still

2006-02-07T07:50:00.000-05:00

It's a refreshing change to realize I have no drama to write to you of. Yesterday was a smooth-as-silk sort of day. PC had his weekly conference calls and we curled up later to watch a few of our favorite TV shows together (24 & The Bachelor). I was prepared for hot nookie action, but the 3 hours of TV (even with the commercials skipped thanks to DVR) put me into a sound coma curled up with PC.

The vibe between us was perfect last night. Playful, easy, secure and relaxed. No drama. We teased, we wrestled, we chatted and we just enjoyed. It was wonderful.

SG had a short article published in her school's newspaper and EH and I are very proud. I am NOT, however, proud of my discovery that she has been cutting holes in her pants in class while bored. 5 pairs of ruined pants with the knees cut out or big holes in the thighs. Can you say "grounded"??? I've made her my little Cinderella and slapped on the extra chores for her to make up the costs. Great. I am penniless until payday (10 days!) and she's cutting up the few clothes she has.

She has her first dance at school on Friday. A Valentine's Day dance. EH and I have decided to take her together and then perhaps have dinner after. I'll have to push my date night with PC back to Saturday. I hate doing that, I know it sounds strange (but, hey - I am the Odd Wife) but I don't want to miss seeing her first dance and it is EH's night to take her and we are committed to parenting as a team. As weird as it may seem, it's a good thing for SG. And I think PC understands. I hope he does. After all, I'm going to be expected to understand that entire weekend this month he's staying at his STBX's house to take care of the kids while she goes on a cruise - meaning no contact with him for the entire weekend.

The job continues to be fabulous. I can't help but stop and think - this is my job???

Evening the Seas

2006-02-06T15:07:00.000-05:00

The weekend was largely lazy and uneventful. PC has his boys both days and that leaves me on my own. SG spent Saturday with EH, leaving me home alone to do housework (yuck) and Sunday found SG and I just puttering about the house. I have to admit it was a bit depressing. I'm seriously broke waiting for that first paycheck while PC is managing better. So while PC and his boys are at museums and parks, SG and I are home because I'm empty-pocketed and trying to save my gas. I swore to SG that once I started getting paid we will do fun things together on the weekends. Poor kid.

Beyond that, it was quiet. PC and I played cards and watched tv Satuday and then watched SuperBowl on Sunday. Nothing exciting. But still nice.

I still wrestle from time to time with accepting this relationship for what it is. Trust issues from my past, adjusting to the newness of someone...it's not easy. There are times PC tells me he loves me that I find myself just staring at him, trying to gauge his eyes, his smile - all of it to be sure it's real. But I can't deny that physically PC feels right to me. His entire body, his hands - everything just feels so right to me. He has this ability to walk up behind me and begin to rub a spot on my back - never the same spot twice - and always hit exactly the sore spot or tight muscle. He's never wrong. He knows exactly how and where to touch me. I sometimes worry so much, but then there are moments when I am cuddled up to him in "my spot" that I just know I have to be right where I am.

Time will soothe over the old hurts, I imagine. I know that my problems all stem from hurts that were done with EH. I believed in my marriage to EH. He was the first person I ever wanted to be with forever faithfully and I believed in us. I just never could get past his betrayal no matter how hard I tried or how much time passed. And whenever I got closer to it, the past would rear it's ugly head in nasty comments, emails, threats, etc. Even as EH and I were separating I was still being contacted by her. I suppose she actually won in the end. She may have set out to play with my husband but once I ended that she seemed far more determined to destroy me and ultimately, she got her way. Fate just decided to drop me into an entirely new life before I could even dwell on the situation.

As much as I have been hurt, I imagine that I also learned a lot. My relationship with PC is less tightly wound around each other and more solidly based on us being individuals who share a life. Different, but still good. I still mourn for the broken family, but I also feel blessed to have a bright future with a man who (while different) still reaches places in my heart that I thought were long since closed off. A man who makes me believe the future can be wonderful, even if it's not exactly what I planned.

I never really dreamed of anything big. Just a decent house, a close family and happiness. I'll admit that with PC those dreams need to be a bit bigger. The dreams I didn't dare dream are suddenly more in keeping with our reality.

Right now, the things I want are still fairly simple:

1) I want to close on the condo and decorate/furnish it the way we both like
2) I want to get to a place where PC can have his boys over for the weekend so our children can play together and we're not separated on his days/nights with them.
3) I want to build new memories, a new life together
4) I want to be happy

I've also decided that I have a new interest. Cooking. I'm fascinated with the cooking shows on tv and want to start mastering the complex recipes. I'm starting to fantasize about those stand-up mixers and giant food processors. Hmm.

The new job continues to be fabulous. I swear that I still can't believe I earn a great salary for this job. It's amazing.

Pay Day for me is 2/17 and not soon enough. I've been pathetically sponging off of poor PC like there's no tomorrow. I swear I'll make it all up to him. But I also can't wait to pay my poor, delinquent car and have a few dollars to do something with my daughter for a change...

Date Night

2006-02-04T14:42:00.000-05:00

Every Friday night, PC and I rotate turns at Date Night. Last night was my turn and - I sucked at it...

My first paycheck isn't due until 2/17 and in the meantime and I broke. Not just "low on money" broke but sadly devoid of even spare change broke. So, my brilliant plan was to pick up McDonalds or something for a picnic on the beach. And of course, it was looking like rain. PC was leaning towards sushi and I graciously (humbly? gratefully?) went along. I'll owe him.

We talked a lot and it felt good. We haven't been talking as much in recent weeks due to schedules, etc. We laughed, we teased, we talked seriously and it was all good.

Later, after round 2 of the sexual Olympics, we listened to cheesy (and I do mean cheesy) music online and fell asleep to a Tivo'd Buffy episode.

Not quite perfect, but wonderful all the same.

Today is a grey day. Rainy and dark and wet. PC has his boys all day. EH has SG. I'm all alone in the house with a headache and cramps and no desire to clean...even if that's exactly what I need to be doing.

So.....yeah. Hm. The Beginning of a Beautiful Life or the Beginning of the End?

2006-02-03T14:31:00.000-05:00

Well...

An issue has arisen between PC and I that is, frankly, quite out of the ordinary. We have agreed to keep it strictly between the two of us, not even a blog topic (my idea) and I intend to honor that promise. No, he did nothing wrong. No, I did nothing wrong. The most basic "non-answer" I can give you is that we found a new understanding of one another.

We met for lunch today and discussed it and made some promises/decisions/commitments to each other. Ironically, this should have been the end of us but it may serve to actually strengthen us. We balance one another out in ways that will become vital.

I know you're scratching your head, and I'm sorry for that. I don't mean to be mysterious. I wouldn't have posted at all, except that it's been fairly monumental and I wanted to "chronicle" myself a little note on it for future reference.

I thought long and hard. I tossed and turned trying to decide if I could cope or if ending this relationship was the only smart move. But I love PC. I do. And PC loves me. And I think we've come far enough that it's worth a serious try with nothing but hope.

We're going to have challenges. A lifetime of them, best case scenario. But our strengths and weaknesses almost seem ideally suited to adapt to it all.

I'm staying. He's staying. We're going to make a go of it and see if we can be the rare couple that makes it work.

Could you just wish us luck even if you have no idea what I'm talking about?

Do I know you?

2006-02-02T10:38:00.000-05:00

PC and I barely pass in the hallways these days with our busy week. I introduced myself to him as I crawled into bed just to be sure he'd remember my name. His new job has had conference calls that keep him in our home office until late. Dinner time has become a circus of trying to keep food "alive" for the hour-hour and a half he's tied up and feeding SG randomly to prevent starvation. Between meetings, calls, new jobs and the like we've not had any time for each other. We still manage kisses and hugs when we can, but time is tight. Last night he walked in the door at 7:55 pm after seeing his kids and a meeting with former pscyhoboss and had enough time to kiss me as he raced to the home office for his 8 pm conference call. From there it was 9:30 before we even got to say "Hi! How was your day?"

Last night officially made 3 nights without skin time. He made a few half-hearted moves but my heart just wasn't in it. After 2-3 days I'm too busy feeling neglected to fall for anything less than a full-on seduction! Intimacy for the sake of a quota isn't going to impress me and that's what it felt like was coming...pass! Bring me something with a little heart behind it after days of neglect!

Tonight's not looking much better. Another conference call. The first week for him is jam-packed with them to keep the team motivated.

With his kids this weekend and Superbowl, the only chance we have to squeeze in any quality time is Friday night (Date Night). It's my turn to create the date. I wish money would hurry up and arrive - I'm growing bored of our "poor man's candlelight dinner in the dining room" and I'm dreaming of planning movies, dinner, walks on the beach and the like. I'm trying to dream up something - anything - different for tomorrow that combines dinner, free and involved not being in the house.

I just hope I can remember his name by then...

Things that make you go huh?

2006-02-01T09:02:00.000-05:00

PC and I discussed the situation I griped about last blog post and have basically put it to bed.

There was another evening conference call for PC and dinner sat warming in the oven for about an hour before he was out. We ate my more-than-mediocre salmon (yuck) and retired to watch tv. PC yawned a few times and went to sleep.

Two nights in a row. Hmmm. That's a new one. And his schedule is beyond packed tonight, so no sense in imagining together time tonight. That'll be three. Hmmm. Huh.

I dreamt vividly again last night. There were cats and empty cans of soup. A car. An unfamiliar guy that I seemed to know that I pulled aside and kissed and told him I had been wanting to do that for some time. No idea what the meanings are, but cats seem to unanimously mean I am being deceived. Huh.

Am I missing something here? I hope not... I'm usually a firm believer in signs, but these are not good signs.

I'm going to chalk it up to adjusting to more changes and assume all is fine. But it might not be a bad idea to at least be aware.

Burnt

2006-01-31T13:47:00.000-05:00

Okay, I'm angry.

I called PC during lunch just to exchange a friendly "Hi! How's your day?" and got an earful. And frankly, I'm ticked off.

Our former psychopath of a boss called PC and accused me of a number of things from deleting information to spreading rumors that PC was quitting her company entirely. Neither is true and is just one more example of this woman being an evil, manipulative bitch who is trying to stir up problems between PC and I. And successfully apparently.

So, I'm pissed at her. I can't call her to straighten her out until I leave work, but believe me I will.

Second, how dare PC question me. In truth, I feel as if my entire integrity was called into question by my "boyfriend" and I'm furious. Why he didn't tell her in NO uncertain terms that she needed to discuss these issues directly with me and END it makes me seriously question HIM. Instead, he heard her out, relayed her messages and asked me about these things. Sure, he said he "didn't think I would do things like that" but what pisses me off is that he should (1) KNOW I wouldn't do anything like that and (2) TELL THAT BITCH that he is not going to discuss me with her and she needs to speak directly to me. By letting her voice her lies about me to him, he may as well be throwing our entire relationship to chance because I am deeply offended.

He's meeting with her tomorrow night and you can bet I'm going to be pissed off, imagining her saying nasty things about me while he nods in agreement the entire time.

You know, just when you think you have a partner - someone on YOUR side, they fucking let you down by even remotely calling your integrity into question. Besides being angry, I'm hurt. There's nothing to even be said at this point. I don't want him "defending" me but he has a responsibility to not allow someone else to rant about me to him.

This may seem small, but this is a BIG deal to me. Huge. This speaks VOLUMES to me about loyalty and I thought we were a little more of a team than this.

Nice to know where I stand...

Yeah, I know PC occasionally reads this blog. But I needed to vent or explode and I made it clear to PC from day 1 that reading my blog was reading my diary and wouldn't always be fun and was done at his own risk.

Monday

2006-01-30T21:52:00.000-05:00

The new job went well today. Essentially my duties are to "be there". I have a desk as large as my entire guest room and I'm in a very private office that only the President/Owner, the other Exec Asst and me have access to. It's enormous. I share a private kitchen with the other assistant and the President has his own as well. I have an entire cabinet full of boxes of Godiva. It's...well, it's amazing.

I admit to being a tad bored, but it's hard to complain much about that! I get paid very well to just be there for whatever he needs!

PC's day went well too. It looks like our life is finally moving ahead.

I didn't sleep well last night and fell asleep promptly upon coming home. PC cooked dinner for us and spent his evening in our home office on conference calls and preparing for tomorrow. I like that he works from home. Late nights aren't much of an issue when he's right there.

I wish I had something more exciting to say, but I don't. I'm still a bit tired and actually I've been looking forward to snuggling up to PC all day long so I need to get to it!

I'll compensate for my boring post with a present for you...here's a terribly grainy and blacked out picture of PC and I.

The Day Before the New Life

2006-01-29T23:37:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow starts my new job and I am both nervous and excited. PC's new job officially starts tomorrow also. An ironic twist for us. He's going to be on track to make a shit-load of money (certainly more than I imagined seeing in my life) and I'll be working with a salary more generous than I've gotten in a few years myself. Between the both of us, I am expecting financial woes to be long behind us. In fact, I am excited about the possibilities.

I spent most of the day in a coma. Apparently the travel caught up to me and I dropped off and wasted an entire day in a stupifyingly sound sleep. I woke groggy and sluggish and had to drag myself off to do the promised grocery shopping courtesy of PC.

I cooked a Chinese feast tonight to celebrate the Chinese New Year. SG, still obsessed with Asia, wore a kimono to dinner and regaled us both with her Asian knowledge. PC is looking into taking us both to Beijing for the 2008 Olympics which has SG on cloud 9.

I feel like I am on the verge of something incredible. Certainly a better life. I've never known another life beyond paycheck to paycheck while PC once lived in a fine mansion and traveled the world spending $10,000 a month on dining out. He's anxious to get back to it and I am prepared to learn a new way of life. I'm comfortable around people who have money, but having it myself will be something new and unusual. I once imagined I wouldn't enjoy it but I have to admit I am already mentally spending it on professional hair cuts, gym memberships and furnishing our condo.

I imagine adapting won't be too much of a problem.

It should take a few months to catch up on my way late bills but then I should have the luxury of socking away some extra cash for rainy days.

PC spent the day with his boys and seems to have come to some understanding with his STBX on his son's birthday. I'm relieved. Now I can let her live without my foot up her ass.

Wish me luck tomorrow...I have no clue what to expect!

Redemption, Home Again and An Unexpected Side Trip

2006-01-28T22:00:00.000-05:00

I didn't get to blog earlier today, but I'm home now! Home feels good, but I really enjoyed the trip!

First, redemption. I have to back down on my previous post and right the wrong I did to PC. I stand by my bitching that he behaved in a manner that wasn't respectful but there has been a bit more to add now. First, as I said - I let him know it peeved me and he immediately apologized. In truth, it probably had more to do with how I was feeling (frumpy in my heavy wintery duds with my messy, unstyled and humidity free limp hair). We went out again Friday night with the same pair (Dave & James) and it was immediately clear to me that PC took my words VERY seriously (or he read the blog) because he was the picture of attentiveness and made a point of not looking at another female gendered human until it became overly obvious how hard he was trying and I had to comment "Was I that bitchy last night about it?" I had to laugh and tell him I didn't expect him to be blind. Either way, PC cared a lot about how I felt and made a stellar effort to be a gentlemen. I firmly believe after both nights and what I saw that I witnessed nothing more than boys will be boys behavior and that PC is indeed very committed to me.

For the entire trip, PC stopped at nothing to ensure I was well cared for and happy. With my new job not starting until Monday, I was broker than broke and PC kept me fed, entertained and with a few dollars on hand. He rented a car for the express purpose of me being able to go play. He paid extra and changed his flight to be able to fly with me home and, let's face it - he brought me to begin with. He could have very easily left me home so he could go "play" if that was his game and he made a ton of effort to have me nearby. I feel completely secure in saying that PC can keep the PC monicker and that I overreacted.

Our flight was mysteriously changed today when we arrived at OHare and rather than change planes in Atlanta, GA we ended up flying through JFK in New York City. My lifelong dream (besides seeing snow!) has been to visit NYC so I was floored to be able to go through it. Unfortunately our layover was shortened from 3 hours to 1 hour and I had to be content to see the skyline from the window.

We were switched from Delta to Delta Song - which is an awesome plane. TV's at every seat, fun food (affordable!), great service and a really enjoyable flight. PC and I stretched out and listened to music, tv and played trivia. The flight "flew" by.

And, we're home. EH is about to deliver my daughter to me since he has early plans and PC is bickering with his demonic bitch of a STBX (soon to be ex) about seeing his kids this week. His "regular" visit days are Weds. and 1 weekend day. Well, youngest son's birthday falls on Weds. PC was looking forward to seeing his son for the usual 2 hours that night and STBX (who has already thrown a birthday party this past Friday leaving PC out of it) is fighting that he shouldn't get the special treat of a birthday with his son since he "left his family". PC was very nice while I silently seethed and reminded her that he was divorcing HER and not the family. I wish she could pull it together and remain a parenting team. EH and I have managed to do it great and it's infinitely better for us and SG. EH has been amazing and it's a testament to the man he is that he's been able to focus on the family outside of our personal relationship. I would easily consider EH to be a best friend and I am grateful we have that. It's a monument to what we once had rather than both of us feeling bitter and hateful and ruining 12 years of memories.

Speaking of...I better run to greet SG who is due back any second! Thanks to those who sided with me on my rant about PC's appreciation for the ladies, but I feel pretty confident that I still have an amazing man on my hands and I plan to keep him. If he steps out of line, I'll be the first to call it - believe me - but right now, I have to learn to trust again. I haven't been able to trust since EH's cyber-fuck-fest with Rhonda and it's time to work on that. PC may have a past (but so do I) and he deserves the chance to be innocent until proven guilty.

Funks at The Funky Buddah

2006-01-27T08:01:00.000-05:00

Well, it couldn't all be perfect.

Last night, PC decided we should hit downtown Chicago for dinner, drinks and dancing (the 3 D's). I was thrilled. Even better, 2 guys we have become friendly with were joining us. I wished for something a little "sexier" to wear, but in anticipation of cold weather (and a recent shopping drought in my life) I was woefully without.

We dined at Emmitt's Irish Pub. My first clue that something was wrong was before we even sat. PC led us all to a booth directly across from a table of pretty girls. One of the guys (we'll call him Dave) thanked PC for his seat choice, indicating the women and PC gave his cocky grin and let it be known that it was by design. Now Dave and the other guy (we'll call him James) are both in committed relationships - married & engaged. So this irked me off the bat. Then I got to listen to all 3 of them rate the women, agreeing on who was the hottest, who had the best body, and so on. I blew it off, but the tone was set.

The waitress wsa cute and Dave was delighting in flirting with her. As flirts go, Dave was an amateur whereas PC truly is a master. I suppose at some point PC couldn't hold back any longer and began his own minor flirting. A simple remark here and there. Dave, meanwhile is high-fiving PC for all of this.

Now PC is victim to 2 faults here. 1, he's incredibly competitive. He'll do anything on a dare and he can't not show someone up. 2, he's not a wingman - he thrives on being the leader of the pack, the star, the main attraction.

Downhill from here.

We finished our meal and crossed the street to The Funky Buddah - a totally, hip and happening spot that I would have normally loved. We sat and had a few drinks in a seat near the door and it began again. Every woman walking in was critiqued, rated and discussed. Dave and James were all over it, daring each other to talk to certain women and I could tell PC was itching to play the game. Show 'em how it's done. I knew without a doubt that I was in the way. Had I not been there, he would have "schooled them" on womanizing.

Needless to say, I was irritated. PC eventually picked up on my temperature and I let it be known I felt it was completely disrespectful to me to sit there and listen to PC rate women. He apologized and pacified me with kisses, but I couldn't help wondering what if I hadn't been there.

The evening ended on a better note and hopefully we can forget it. But that little voice in my head is whispering beware and I can't help feeling slighted.

That Smile

2006-01-26T09:09:00.000-05:00

I've mentioned PC's killer smile a number of times, I know. If you passed him on the street (and you were a woman) you might think to yourself He's a good looking man. But if you happened to be gifted with his smile you could easily find yourself stopped in your tracks and staring, possibly drooling. I kid you not. I've seen it happen.

PC has this easy and genuine smile. His green eyes crinkle at the corners and he has this boyish charm that melts any defenses. Add to that his warm, friendly personality and no woman is safe.

The reason I mention his smile today is because I am suddenly very aware of my own. I've had this smile plastered on my face for days now. I used to smile all the time until October 2005 and until this week, I haven't done too much of it. Suddenly, the world is a different place.

PC and I joined some of his fellow trainees for a fine meal at Jamesons Steakhouse for a seriously delicious meal last night. We turned in around 9 for some overdue skin time. It was worth the wait. PC has this way of just pouncing on me that takes my breath away. How long did I long for someone to grab me that way?

So many things I have longed for have come into my life recently. I had to go through a great deal of doubt and pain to reach it, but here I am. Smiling.

PC is renting me a car to explore today...I'm not sure where the day will take me, but I can't wait to find out.

Chi-town

2006-01-25T18:04:00.001-05:00

I kissed PC goodbye this morning and jumped a train to Chicago's downtown. 8 hours later and my feet are numb!

I walked for miles. I ice-skated in Millennium (sic?) Park's outdoor rink, went to the top of the Sears tower and savored a hot dog with everything on it. Ordinary hot dogs will never be the same...my word, those are fucking amazing!

As I write this, PC just stopped in for a quick break and smothered me with kisses. I just can't help beaming around him. With the new jobs for us both and so much stress off my shoulders, I am finally getting to actually enjoy him and I am awestruck by him.

It took time. First, I had to learn to stop comparing his every breath to EH. Then I had to survive the stress. But I'm lucky to have made it through and STILL have him by my side. I couldn't begin to describe how good he is for me. And I still have a million moments a day where I look at him and think "Wow...he's mine!"

On other notes - thank all of you for your comments. I really do read them religiously and every one of them makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. I got a few emails telling me some other blog has "stolen" large portions of my blog and I checked it out for myself. Yep. There they were! It doesn't bother me since I just ramble on. Heck, I'm just amazed someone bothered at all!

It's been so long since I have been this happy...but I'm beginning to truly believe it was all worth the wait.

Walking in a Winter Wonderland

2006-01-25T08:50:00.000-05:00

It snowed all over me last night. For a few glorious moments it just rained down on me hard and I was in heaven. It may not snow again, but the fact that it snowed like that on my birthday was purely magic for me.

PC is enjoying his training and I enjoy seeing him interact with the others. He commands respect and attention and it was easy to note that the other men were drawn to him. They seemed fascinated by his every word and entertained by his humor. I was so proud to be with him. I just watched him and admired...

I checked my voicemails and found out that I WILL start my new job Monday after all, so things are truly going well for me!

I'm going to go explore the city on my own today. We're staying in a suburb "Palatine" so I will have to navigate the trains to get there, but I expect it to not be too hard to do.

It feels so damned good to feel this happy for a change.

Magic

2006-01-24T19:29:00.000-05:00

I was as nervous as can be with my 2 flights to Chicago but when the plan began to descend for the final time and I saw snow on the rooftops and ground, I cried.

I arrived at the hotel and PC's charms were already evident as the desk clerk took the time to comment on "what a great guy he is". I dashed to the room to ditch my luggage and was surprised to find myself face to face with PC all dressed in a suit and looking sexy as hell. Talk about great gift wrapping!

PC commented that there had been snow flurries and I threw open the balcony doors and after a second or two was astonished to have snowflakes land on my face. No amount of imagining could have prepared me. I actually jumped back the first time thinking I had gotten hit with dust or dirt before I understood. A quick kiss and I apologized but I HAD to go play in it.

I spent some time in the courtyard in pure wonder. Every few moments flurries would rain down on me and I would savor it. I threw myself into a snowbank a few times, built the worlds smallest snowman and stood outside turning around and around taking it in. A man saw me and immediately surmised I was PC's girl. Apparently PC had let it be known I was coming and would likely be playing in the snow.

It's been impossible to wipe the huge smile off of my face and there have been tears of pure joy. PC even commented that I was like a little kid.

I'm never going to forget my 33rd birthday...it's by far the greatest!

Chance of Flurries/Definite Stars

2006-01-23T22:31:00.000-05:00

12 hours.
720 minutes.
43,200 seconds.

Countdown to my plane departure!

Assuming I don't break down, get a flat tire, oversleep or somehow screw this up, I will be on my way to meet PC in 12 hours. I can't wait. The forecast is calling for flurries in the afternoon and I am praying they deliver. I couldn't ask for a better birthday present than to feel snowflakes on my cheeks and taste them. Oh, and of course, roll in the snow, throw the snow, build snowmen and ice forts and make snow angels. I have a long list of snow plans. We "snow-deprived" folks who have never seen snow tend to be dazzled by the novelty. You have to remember I have lived my entire life in South Florida where it's perfectly normal to go to the beach before opening Christmas presents on Dec. 25th.

The snow is/would be amazing and a dream come true, but it still falls secondary to seeing PC. After 60 hours apart, I am suffering. His voice on the phone and his IMs are a comfort, but not as good as finding my place with my head on his chest, tucked up under his right arm and curling my fingers in his chest hair while he snuggles close. Even snow can't beat that. The very idea that he went to such trouble to be with me on my birthday has me moon-eyed...

There's a better than good chance that I won't see much of him as he works and trains and meets and team leads during his stay, but it's enough that he wanted me close and that I'll get to curl up in my place to sleep. It's enough that I'll get to kiss him good night, breathe his Pasha smell and rain kisses on his face. It's enough to feel him. To kiss his back in his sleep the way I love to do. To see him smile at me with that killer smile. It's more than enough...it's monumental.

And if there are snow flurries while I am there...so much the better!

11 hours and 57 minutes
717 minutes
43,020 seconds to go...

I can't wait...! Happy Birthday to me!

Of Course

2006-01-23T11:28:00.000-05:00

Murphy's Law is defined as "any of certain humorous universal truths stating that anything that can possibly go wrong, will go wrong". The phrase was actually born at Edwards Air Force Base in 1949 named after Capt. Edward A. Murphy, an engineer working on Air Force Project MX981. One day, after finding that a transducer was wired wrong, he cursed the technician responsible and said, "If there is any way to do it wrong, he'll find it." The contractor's project manager kept a list of "laws" and added this one, which he called Murphy's Law.

Murphy would have loved me. Murphy's Law is a constant in my life.

I had an interview this morning. It went very well, the office is extremely close to my home, the hours are ideal and the building is beautiful. The salary is $12,000 less than I make now. It was hardly worth getting dressed up for. On my way home, my cell rang. An employment agency I was working with told me they had good news and great news. The good news? The job I wanted most is not only offering me the position, but upped the salary by $8000. The great news (I kid you not) was that the agent proclaimed to have just saved a ton of money on car insurance. Ah...Monday humor.

Murphy's Law? Oh, yes - they want me to start tomorrow.

You know, tomorrow? The day I am flying to Chicago? My birthday?

I tried to explain that I could not start until Monday and they hassled me a bit. I told them I would call them back. I'm waiting to talk to PC to determine his thoughts on the subject.

Chicago? Snow? PC? Maybe. Maybe not.

Damn Murphy.

Off He Goes...

2006-01-22T11:48:00.000-05:00

PC hopped his plane bright and early this morning to head for Chicago. Well, maybe not bright since it was still dark outside, but certainly early.

I'll be joining him after all. I fly in on the 24th (my birthday) and meet him after his day of training is done. I'm both nervous and excited, having never been to Chi-town and worrying over flying alone.

I'm beginning to relax more around PC and accept that he is different from what I am accustomed to. PC has his own way of handling things and to constantly measure him to how EH did them is fruitless. If PC seemed overly quick to part with a brief kiss this morning it's not a lack of love as I would typically analyze it to be, but rather his own way of operating. I have to learn that it doesn't mean he loves me less.

My dreams continue to be exceptionally vivid lately. Add to that a certain weirdish feeling in my stomach and you have me scratching my head...

That little light

2006-01-21T15:31:00.000-05:00

Every Friday night, PC and I rotate "date night". Last night was my turn. I had planned out a meal and used my last few dollars to gather some items - candles from the $1 store, capers, lemon juice, doilies...a feast of chicken piccata and candlelight. Just before I actually set the chicken to cook, PC called and told me to stop and put it all away. We were going out for dinner.

And not just any dinner. A feast at my all-time favorite restaurant The Mai Kai. Pricey, to say the least, and ultimately wonderful. Strolling the Tiki gardens, watching a dinner show of dancers, drumming and fire twirling, dimly lit room and sitting close to a man with a smile that still melts me.

PC is leaving tomorrow morning for his 7 day training in Chicago. Last night, he asked if I wanted to go along. Air fare is still reasonable and it looks like PC might be whisking me off to the Windy City for a few days. He'll be tied up most of the time, but the idea of exploring a new place has me all aflutter - even better, I am praying for snow. I've never seen snow and I've yearned to play in it. Here's hoping it comes to fruition.

Part of me wants to go and the other part wants to be sure I don't get in his way while he's doing something so important. I'll be happy either way. It means something that he wanted me there.

I treated myself to a little birthday present today. A movie. PC "lent" me some cash to hold me and I was cooped up and needed a break. I saw Last Holiday and it was inspirational. If you're feeling a case of the blahs (as I have been for MONTHS now!) this is a film to encourage you to live.

For the first time in so long I feel hopeful and inspired.

My actual birthday is Tuesday - and if I DO go to Chicago, I'll fly out on Tuesday. If you read my blog last year, you know that I am a fanatic about birthdays - especially my own. I expect parades and parties and princess treatment. This year, I've been quiet. No obnoxious reminding the world how many days until I age again and no demanding special things. So much has changed.

And I guess I have too. I'll be 33 on Tuesday. Older? Yes. Wiser? That remains to be seen. But I'm feeling a bit more encouraged to welcome another year in this life and see where it takes me.

Dreaming...

2006-01-20T06:38:00.000-05:00

I've always believed strongly in the power of dreams - especially my own. I tend to have very vivid dreams and often, premonitions. So when I have especially detailed dreams, as I did last night - I am quick to want to interpret them.

DreamMoods has a great site for this. I looked up all of my aspects and can certainly see some insights. I've spared you the long, complex and random dream story and just left definitions below of what I saw in my dream. I looked up everything I could recall seeing.

Shark
To see a shark in your dream, represents a person whom you see as greedy and unscrupulous. This person goes after what what he or she wants with no regards to the well-being and sensitivity of others. The shark may also be an aspect of your own personality which exhibit these qualities. Alternatively, you may be going through a difficult, painful, or unpleasant emotional period. The shark symbolizes feelings of anger, hostility, and fierceness. You may be an emotional threat to yourself or to others.

Island
To dream that you are in stranded on a island, signifies that you are in a rut and do not quite know what to do with your life. On the other hand, you may be seeking some solitude. Perhaps you are running away from a situation instead of trying to confront it.

Tortoise
To see a tortoise in your dream, suggests that you need to take some chances in order to get ahead in life. The opportunities for advancement are opened to you, but you need to take the next step.

Boat
To dream that you are in or see a boat, signifies you ability to cope and express your emotions. Pay particular attention to the condition and state of the waters, whether is is calm or violent, clear or murky, etc. Are you "smooth sailing"? Alternatively, you may be ready to confront your unconscious and unknown aspects of yourself.

Fish
To see fish swimming in your dream, signifies insights from your unconscious mind. Thus to catch a fish, represents insights which have been brought to the surface.

Intercom
To see or use an intercom in your dream, suggests that you are always readily available to those who need your help. It also symbolizes your acute awareness to your surroundings and to those around you.

Argument
To dream that you are arguing, suggests that you are trying to resolve some internal conflict or some unsettled issue in your waking life. Consider the symbolism of whom you are arguing with and what you are arguing about. How does he or she reflect some person or soma aspect of yourself in your waking life?

Fence
To see a fence in your dream, signifies an obstacle or barrier that may be standing on your path. You may feel confined and restricted in expressing yourself. Are you feeling fenced in? Alternatively, it may symbolize a need for privacy. You may want to shut off the rest of the world.

Ocean
To see an ocean in your dream, represents the state of your emotions and feelings. It is indicative of some spiritual refreshment, tranquility and renewal.

Beach
To see the beach in your dream, symbolizes the meeting between your two states of mind. The sand is symbolic of the rational and mental processes while the water signifies the irrational, unsteady, and emotional aspects of yourself. It is a place of transition between the physical/material and the spiritual.

To dream that you are on the beach and looking out toward the ocean, indicates unknown and major changes that are occurring in your life. Consider the state of the ocean, whether it is calm, pleasant, forbidding, etc. (In my dream, it was calm)

Yes, I can see some insights here...lol.

Downgrading...Wife to Girlfriend

2006-01-19T22:00:00.000-05:00

There should be a class or something.

How does a woman make a transition to "girlfriend" status after 10 years of being a wife? I admit, I am floundering here.

The last time I was a "girlfriend", I was in high school. Now I am not only a girlfriend, but a live-in girlfriend. How much trickier does it get?

I have no say so in how PC lives his life or planning for a future beyond the next few weeks. I can't assume anything with him. He can come and go as he pleases and I suppose I can too. I can't comment on finances or family or future plans because, frankly, it's none of my business and I should be grateful for what he DOES share, right?

It's not that PC isn't wonderful. I really should blog more about how amazing he is. And if I were an ordinary, sane girl - this would be a snap! He's kind, loving, sexy-as-hell and easy to get along with. He's the perfect man. But me, I'm a 10 year veteran wife who has no idea how I am or am not supposed to behave as a newly downgraded wife-to-girlfriend.

I'm still working on this downgrade, so bear with me. PC's still amazing. I'm the one who's confused as hell. I admit that I miss the "stability" of a marriage but primarily because I just can't quite figure out my boundaries in this girlfriend role.

So far, I have come to realize it involves a lot of cooking...

Nowhere to go but up, I suppose.

2006-01-19T07:59:00.000-05:00

Still no word on the job, after a stellar 2nd interview. The word is that it looks very optimistic for me, but the lack of an offer days later has me concerned (and broke!).

I'm recovering from a night out with PC, my sister and her fiancee. We hung out at Blue Martini in West Palm Beach and I drank martinis. I don't usually like martinis, but the Raspberry Sweet Tart they served me was especially delicious and damned if that drink didn't sneak up on me. I was fine one moment and 3 later I realized I was loaded. By the time I got home I was in pain and by the time I was in bed I was in agony. A night of excruciating head pain and vomiting. I thought I was a dead woman. On the bright side, PC has now been exposed to the symphonic sounds of my retching and purports to still love me.

I'm floundering a bit without the job offer I was counting on...today I may actually have to spend the day cleaning. God help me.

I Have a Dream...

2006-01-16T09:32:00.000-05:00

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." --- Martin Luther King Jr.

Everyone knows MLK Jr's "I have a dream..." quote, but the one I have listed above is truly my favorite. Thank you to all who spoke about a blog change, but I'm going to stick it out in one place and stop censoring myself. My thoughts range from the important to mundane and to love me is to know them both. Should someone read something that is so powerful that it alters their interactions with me, then so be it.

10 minutes before 9 am my cell phone rang and I've been called back for a 2nd interview. I have enough pride to read into the early call and the fact that my agent (employment service) said that the company had responded to him over the weekend to feel good about this possible job. Confident even. How long has it been since I could feel confident?

PC has gone to help a friend and I am left to stretch in my home and prepare for what I hope will be a great interview.

I'm finding small pieces of myself again. Not enough to be whole, but at least some scraps of the person I remember being once. Now I suppose it's a matter of putting them back together and finding out who I am now. I know I've changed. The last 2 years have been full of such huge life-changing events...

The new job will be a really positive first step towards reclaiming a life to call mine. I've been weak for, well, weeks and it's time to get back on my feet.

And it feels good...

“Depression is the inability to construct a future” --- Rollo May

2006-01-14T20:42:00.000-05:00

I found this quote and couldn't help but recognize myself in this one. I have been under major depression and have felt unable to construct a future.

It looks like I may be turning a corner.

PC has several income solutions coming his way and I interviewed for what appears to be a GREAT job with an AMAZING (and uber-successful!) company working in a high-level position. And...they liked me. They want to meet with me again - hopefully Monday!

The future seems so much brighter. I can breathe...

Friday night I was in a jolly mood for the first time in weeks and PC had his turn at "date night". (We rotate Friday nights). Since we're still broke, PC cooked me a fine meal of steak, artichoke hollandaise and spinach salad served with wine in the flickering glow of candles with soft music filling the house. The bedroom was another sea of candles and offered a blindfold, a wooden hanger and a sex toy. I'll spare you the details except to say...whew!

I feel a tiny bit better...

Cross your fingers for me?

Sometimes you can't share everything...

2006-01-12T16:41:00.000-05:00

Sometimes you just can't share it all. There are so many things I have left out of my blog - some because I wasn't ready to face it myself, some because of who might read it...some because I don't understand it all myself.

I didn't tell you about the time I was nearly raped in Orlando by a friend. Remember the first trip when I first "dirty danced" with PC (then "Playboy")? The next morning I had to wake my ride (who was still drunk from the night before) and we had a 30 minute serious wrestling match where he tried to pin me down and remove my clothes while touching himself and ignoring my protests. I can still see that stupid smile on his face. I told no one.

I don't tell you how broke I am right now. Less than $8 to my name and nearly out of gas with no sure income in my future. How I actually considered sending SG to stay with EH and moving into a Woman's Shelter to give PC the room he needs to spend time with his boys.

I don't tell you how afraid I am of making a mistake every day with my choices. How I worry that I'm just a complete fuck-up.

I don't talk about how hard it is to adjust to a new relationship. I was spoiled and accustomed to being the center of EH's world. I used to wish he were more independent. PC is very independent and I have a hard time dealing with not being the most important thing in his day. PC used to read this blog daily because my thoughts mattered. He doesn't anymore. Does that mean my thoughts no longer matter? What would he learn about me and the things I don't say if he did read? Would he still want me?

I don't talk about how alone I feel. Or the 498 doubts I have about myself, my life, my future. Of how I believe PC is or will grow tired or bored with me and all of my mental traumas while I try to find my way back onto my own 2 feet.

I haven't shared how hard it is to be without friends and family to call and chat with or see and spend time with. Or to have heart to heart talks with.

I don't discuss how I worry that I have ruined 8 or 9 lives with my choices.

I used to share it all. Every thought. Somewhere along the line I clammed up and now there are hundreds of things in my head that I don't share with anyone. Not even my blog. Am I cheating you? Me? PC? At some point I stopped trusting my own thoughts and words enough to keep some - well, many - of them locked inside where they sit and twist and turn and hurt.

Sometimes you can't share everything. Sometimes you have to face it alone and see what comes of it.

And so it goes...

2006-01-10T10:34:00.000-05:00

I'm still blue, but a lighter shade today. I am focusing heavily on finding a career change which I think will help me feel stronger.

PC feels far away to me and I am not entirely sure if it's him with his walls or me with my depression. I just know that I feel like we're on different planes of existence at the moment.

I'm watching the groceries in the house dwindle down to nail-biting proportions. Is there a nutritional value to nail-biting? Because that may become necessary at this rate...

Well, look on the bright side. I wanted to lose a few pounds. This oughta do it.

I think if there was not so much pressure about money, jobs, families and personal stresses that PC and I could be great together. As it stands at the moment, the mountains of problems are keeping us from really getting to be together. We go through all of the motions of a couple, but something is missing and I think I know what that something is. The ability to focus on "us" for a change. Right now we're individually trying to focus on our own crisises. I honestly have no idea if we'll find a way to work it all out and that is sad... We never really got a chance to BE a couple because we've been slaying dragons since the first day. Another day, another crisis. When all is said and done I wonder if we will end up too exhausted from the battles to be together or find ourselves strangers when the smoke clears.

I want a chance to be a couple. I know it's too much to ask right now, but what the hell am I supposed to want? I want to go out to dinner and have nothing more to talk about than news, our childhood, our friends or something funny we saw or did. I want to be able to take SG bowling, skating, to a movie...anything so that we can spend time together as a makeshift family.

I want to make plans that don't get interrupted, delayed, rescheduled or ruined by money, soon-to-be ex-wives or stress. How can we figure out our future together when we have no quality time to do it? This is like the FEMA of relationships.

PC will be gone for an entire week over my birthday, and yes...that sucks. I know how important it is to him, but it's going to be hard to deal with. He says we can do something 'before' but I don't see that as realistic. No money, packing, preparing, seeing his boys, etc before he leaves and all the same the moment he returns on the following Sunday. I think the reality is that this year's birthday is going to be one of deep thought and contemplation. I'll be completely alone (SG spends that night with EH) and I think I'm going to make some decisions about what's right for me.

Because I have to tell you, spending my birthday completely alone with no family, friends or lovers to let me know that I matter is a pretty big eye-opener that this life isn't quite shaping up to be what I need to be happy and I'm fucking tired of being depressed and feeling burdensome to this world. There needs to be some changes made...

A Shade of Blue

2006-01-09T13:52:00.000-05:00

Feeling blue is still the norm for me and today being Monday does nothing to improve that outlook.

The weekend beyond King Tut was, for the most part uneventful. Sunday, PC and I woke and said we wanted to claim the day for ourselves! We made a big pancake breakfast for us & SG and just as we sat down, Ex called and PC disappeared into another room for 30 minutes while SG and I ate alone. I wasn't thrilled and told him that it bothered me. I felt that both SG and I had been extremely respectful of any time he speaks to Ex or spends time with Ex/Kids and I just wanted some respect for our side too. There was no reason not to say "Hey, I'm having breakfast can I call you back in a few minutes?" PC agreed and apologized so there was no reason to quarrel.

We took SG to a park and sat on a bench while she played. We talked about business ideas and ways to start a business. We'd latch onto one idea and beat it into the ground until it either died or thrived. By evening we hit upon an idea that could actually work and we're both exploring it.

Today, PC held a phone interview with a large company that he wants to work for in the meanwhile. He got the offer and is flying to Chicago for 7 days. Great! Only, it's on my birthday. And PC has this history of cheating on business trips. And all I have to do is think about it and I feel sick inside.

So, my birthday will be a lonely one. Much deserved I am sure. It's the same night EH has SG, so not even my daughter will be around. My sister, newly engaged, has a bridal show with my stepmother and we won't even mention my mother, will we? So, I will most definitely be alone. And grumpy. And feeling awfully sorry for myself.

I wouldn't dream of telling PC not to go but I feel entitled to pout just a bit. Times are really hard right now and I've been battling a mean case of the blues for weeks now, so dumping me alone on my birthday just plain sucks no matter how you square it.

And so, I feel a little blue-r.

Things just don't seem to work right now. I keep trying to believe they will work out, but I feel like I'm in this downward spiral and I don't know what to do.

Something has to give.

Born in Arizona, Moved to Babylonia

2006-01-07T17:58:00.000-05:00

With nods to Steve Martin's comic genius, the title of this post comes from "King Tut".

The exhibit went off today without a hitch. PC's entry time was an hour before ours and he had already left before we even arrived. I did learn later that his Ex was there while I was but our paths never crossed...how fortunate!

Despite all the boo-hooing reviews in our local paper about disappointed patrons, I found the exhibit to be quite intriguing. It's amazing to be inches away from 3500 year old artifacts. I had no idea they had folding stools in ancient Egypt, did you?

I went with EH and SG, but ran into BestFriendM and her family before even getting in line and walked around with them. It was fine. Nothing noteworthy on the interaction.

EH brought me home by 3:30 pm and since PC was a good hour and a half behind me, I drank. Yep. Drank. Drink. Drank. Drunk. I'm an adult, SG is with EH and I can drink if I wanna. So I drank.

Funny enough, drinking wasn't on my agenda until I heard an ad on the radio coming home that was probably advising against drinking and sounded more like an endorsement..."Sure, it makes all your problems go away for awhile. Sure the pain stops. Yes, you feel good. Yes, you can numb yourself to all your troubles for awhile..." then I switched stations before I could hear the "but's" because what I did hear sounded pretty damned good for the moment! Woo-hoo!!!

So...I'm very much under the influence at this very moment. I can't feel my tongue. PC came home to me singing in Austrian and playing Mahjongg. I'm a wild & crazy drunk. Watch out!!!

Yep, I left 400 things out of this post. Interesting, dramatic exchanges between myself and EH. Probably what made me drink to begin with. But...if I drank to forget them for the moment, why would I rehash them here WHILE drinking??? Hah!!! Not likely. Nice try!

No way. I'm going to go sing some more in Austrian. I love Falco, don't you? I have no idea what I am actually singing, but it's so much fun.

Creeping

2006-01-06T11:20:00.000-05:00

My spirits seem to have improved, even if my situation has not. There are distant promises of money to pay bills, yet that doesn't resolve the immediate need.

Do you ever find yourself doing silly things that serve no purpose? The other night I was scrolling through my cell phone contacts and noticing how many people I couldn't call to talk to and saw the entry "Home". The number was the house phone of the townhouse EH and I shared up until October. I called it. I wasn't sure what I expected but somehow the tinny female voice telling me that "The number you have reached is not in service" seemed so appropriate.

Tomorrow should be quite a day. The kind they make sitcoms about. We're going to the King Tut Museum exhibit...we bought our tickets 6 months ago when our lives were all very different. We have a specific "entry time" to go in. The cast of characters attending this event include: me, EH and SG...PC/PlayBoy and his 2 sons...PC's ex-wife and her daughter...Best FriendM, GrabbyMan and their two boys.

Yeah...I hope security is beefed up. I can't even imagine what to expect. I'll be going with EH & SG since we had planned it that way. EH and I remain on excellent terms and continue to greet and part with hugs and kisses on the cheek. We talk in emails from time to time about non-essential things. PC will be there with his two boys and we will keep a respectful distance. EH tends to just ignore PC and PC responds by staying out of his way. Ultimately, EH is a fantastic man with the constitution of a saint and I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate that.

PC's Ex...not so much. I'm concerned that she might cause a scene in front of the children. I don't blame her for hating me, however misguided her thoughts are, but I do remember how I felt and I understand. I just don't want to expose the children to it. The problem is that she seems to use the children freely to deliver stinging messages or to shape their minds. PC's youngest son had quite an interpretation of he and I living together and how wrong it was, a very well-delivered concept that was clearly imparted by his mother since it incorporated ideas too foreign to a 6 year old.

BestFriendM and her family offered to go as a group, but ultimately I did not want to be touring with a group that has cut me out of their mix.

It doesn't even feel like Friday...

The Long Road

2006-01-05T09:10:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling slightly better, but still depressed. No worries about me throwing myself off a cliff. After all, we have no cliffs in South Florida.

I understand how many stresses are around and on me at the moment, but it still bothers me to not have better control over my emotions and mood. I've certainly dealt with stress before. Maybe I was overdue for a really good cry. I haven't had one since the house fell down, my ever belonging got destroyed and my marriage ended...in some ways, it's nice to know I still have emotions inside of me.

The interesting thing is that with PC I will never have him watching over me and caring for me the way EH would. EH let his world revolve around me and PC will never let that be the case. I have to be able to stand on my own two feet to keep PC's love. I can lean on him from time to time, but he's never going to carry me through life. I miss being the center of someone's world, but at the same time I wonder if it's better for me to be forced to be strong. Stronger. Something.

I'm down to my last $50 with no sign of future income. I'm worried. Deeply worried. So...I better get to work.

It's going to be a long road.

So, as it turns out...

2006-01-04T16:27:00.000-05:00

I am my mother's daughter.

I day dreamed about committing suicide today.

Must be in the blood, hm?

A Night of Contrasts

2006-01-04T08:58:00.000-05:00

PC and I both had plans to speak with our spouses last night after the kids went to bed. PC went to his Ex's home and EH brought SG home and came in to talk.

Much later, we compared notes...

EH and I spent the night talking quietly and sharing a sadness for the changes. I apologized to him. We parted with a hug and kiss.

PC and his Ex spent the night fighting. When they parted, she struck him. He contemplated calling the police but decided not to for the children's sakes.

My eyes are swollen and raw from crying. PC is still grinning because he realized how happy he is to be out of that house with Ex.

We come from two truly different places.

The Unrest

2006-01-03T14:13:00.000-05:00

PC and I had a long talk about the dishonesty issues with his Ex. I can see his side, even if I did not present it well. Ex still considers PC her husband, however much she dislikes him and feels that his every second in my presence is an abomination of their marriage. I can understand her feeling that way. Ex also enjoys using the children to strike out at PC and he is trying to "lay low" to avoid her keeping them from her until the divorce papers are signed.

His suggestion that we are together for financial reasons is not a stretch...which might seem ironic since we are both as broke as can be. PC got me into the condo I am living in with the intention of purchasing it and renting it to me. He has not yet closed on it. He moved out of his wife's home and stayed in a hotel for 2 weeks - during which time, EH moved out. At that point, it seemed logical that PC should move into his own (or soon to be own) condo rather than continue to pay hundreds of dollars a week for a hotel room. Also, we lean on one another for gas, groceries, etc. Still, I would rather think we were together for love...

Financially, things are worsening. PC needs to close on our condo right away or we'll have to pay "rent" but he can't close until his own divorce is final. My job just decided to stop paying me a salary and put me on straight commission with no more than 2 days notice. So, the luxury of paychecks just became a thing of the past.

I have to admit that my head is swimming. I'm confused. I'm worried. I'm stressed. I love PC, but I worry about his past, my past, our future...

I worry about whether or not it can really work. At the moment, all I know for sure is that he can kiss me brainless. I've heard that expression, but never actually experienced it. I lose all ability to think when he plants one on me.

The amount of pressure on this new relationship is unreal. Maybe that's what scares me most of all. I admit that I wonder how it would work without these strains because right now...it's scary.

State of Ponder

2006-01-02T20:41:00.000-05:00

I'm in deep thought.

I'm developing a level of discomfort with PC's way of handling his life, his family, his ex. For my part, I was completely honest with PC in telling him and I have been honest with my family. I have not hid my feelings or my situation or even my guilt over how it all happened. And, as a result, things have been fairly smooth...or as smooth as they can be.

Not so on PC's side. He doesn't want to discuss his life with me with his Ex or his children, so he tells her that he is living with me for "financial reasons". That stung. PC understands (after I explained) why it bothered me, but isn't about to change the situation.

Particularly in light of PC's past, our own actions - honesty is very important to me. I feel like it is as important that he be honest ABOUT me as it is for him to be honest WITH me.

PC's Ex knows the score. She knows we are together "more than friends" and that we live together. Why he insists on trying to convince her it's for financial reasons baffles me. Why he won't just be honest hurts me. I understand that he has his reasons, but ultimately it doesn't work for me and how I need to live my own life.

And, I imagine that's what I am wrestling with more than anything else. Do we have a life together if we don't share a life?

Hmmm

2005-12-29T21:10:00.000-05:00

Do you ever wonder if you're being taken for a fool?

Just Venting

2005-12-29T13:23:00.000-05:00

I'm aggravated. Through and through. And I'm not alone.

For lack of anything better to do, I decided to bitch here. You're probably better off just skipping this post, but at least I can have my temper tantrum here and be done with it. You don't have to listen, this one's just for me.

First, I have nothing to do at work. Well, I take that back, I had 2 files to post-close or "tidy-up" which were a mess and done as a favor and I have PC's deal to get closed.

Now, when you work to get a file closed, you work with an underwriter who clears all of your conditions. My underwriter is on the other side of the country, 3 hours behind me. Approvals I should have had, never came and today being crunch time left me scrambling and battling to get her to cooperate with me. In the middle of that, PC takes the file from me to the company owner to let her fight it because I couldn't get anyone on the phone before 11:30 am my time. No one had come in before 8:30 their time.

Thanks. Guess that frees up MY day. Meanwhile, I feel horrible. PC clearly has no faith in me getting this done and even worse, the last task I had was taken away. After about 45 minutes I managed to get this u/w on the phone and get things moving again without the owner's help and PC had to go get the file and bring it back to me.

Nonetheless, it stung. I understand how important this deal is to him. I understand completely. It's important to me too. But the complete lack of confidence in me has me wondering just how it is that he sees me. And now both of us are strained together. Sick, stressed, irritated.

Perfect.

On top of all of this, I feel like crap. PC's cold was apparently the rare "contagious" kind which means I have a pounding headache, an annoying cough, stuffy nose and a bitchy attitude.

Yes, I know I'm bitchy. I'm not even mad, just really stung by the whole day.

And, unfortunately, PC's normal response to bitchiness is to just pull away. So, he's pulling, he's sick and he's under pressure too.

I wonder if we'll still be in love by 5 pm at this rate. What a rotten day all around. You can't imagine how badly I just want to get in my car and start driving in a random direction for the next 27 hours to figure this life out. If I hit the semi-cool waters of the Atlantic in the first 30 minutes, is that a sign to keep driving in?

I hope your day is better than mine.

Hindsight is what?

2005-12-29T08:51:00.000-05:00

Just when you think you find yourself, you begin to realize you're still as lost as ever. Am I just not meant to fit into this life?

There are a jumble of things clouding my thoughts...

EH. I'm over him. That's good. I still do and always will care about him, but I am over him. That bothers me a bit. What happened to that true love I believed in? Shouldn't it have taken longer? Was I ever really in love? I was so sure that I was. Am I capable of love? Being around EH is hard. We went to see a movie together with SG last night because she wanted so badly to see Memoirs of a Geisha and we had planned it for eons. Being beside someone I once felt so loved by and loved and now standing as a stranger feels so awkward and stiff.

My mother. She called on Christmas finally. Around 4 pm. After not returning 3-4 messages I had left during the 2 weeks prior. I was partly relieved and partly disappointed. Disappointed because if she had not called I could have realized we were never going to have a relationship and perhaps tried to move on.

My job. My boss tried to save her own skin by implicating EH in a felony fraud charge. EH was not responsible. The guilty party is a sales mgr that she would not want to lose. I stood up for EH yesterday and now she seems to want to pin it on me. Friday will be my last day. I won't work for someone who is not only that dishonest and unscrupulous.

Money. Got none. None coming. Scary stuff.

PC. He still has his walls with me. Sometimes they're lowered. Other times I can feel them between us as solid as brick. It makes me wonder what he keeps from me. He has a habit of hiding himself. His first wife was oblivious to his life - there were so many secrets. I can't live that way. I know it will take infinite patience and love to let him finally relax with me and I want a life with him, but it's really hard to tiptoe around someone when you are dealing with so much of your own pain. When I feel the wall go up, I feel shut out and hurt. I could just put up my own walls, but that would be mimicking PC's first unhappy marriage. PC's sick right now and I'm fighting off the same cold, so we're both just...down, I guess.

PMS. Will it ever end??? Did stress cause me to skip a period?

Me. I'm unhappy. And once again feeling a bit alone. I'm worried and upset over my career, dealing with all the changes in my life and worrying incessantly over everything. At the same time, I feel like I have to try to behave like nothing is wrong...no one would understand.

I'm overdue for a nervous breakdown, don't you think?

I have this overwhelming desire to find myself sitting on the beach at night, just thinking. Just being alone.

I know I'm in a state of depression. I can feel it. But hey - I've earned it! The one thing I don't feel is weak. I feel a small amount of strength inside of me. I know I need to find a way.

Now I just have to figure out how to get out of it. Now I just have to figure out what I want in my life.

...and what I don't.

This Winding Road

2005-12-28T12:34:00.000-05:00

Life continues to twist and turn.

In a meeting last night, I was told my pay structure was changing fairly dramatically to a commission only salary which will essentially mean I don't get paid for a month. During a time when money is already strained past a point of coping, this is devastating.

Shortly after, even more drama. I learned that my boss intended to make EH a scapegoat for a recent fraudulent transaction that EH had nothing to do with. My boss is aware that EH is innocent, but in an attempt to save her own hide, she chose to make EH the guilty party. This is the type of thing that a person could be charged with a felony over. I am awaiting the first opportunity to confront my boss and let her know that I will not stand for it. I expect it to cost me my job today, but it's the right thing to do. Ironically, it was PC who made me aware of it. PC didn't want EH to take the fall either. I'm anxiously waiting this conversation...

PC has a terrible cold and I'm battling a sore throat. All in all, we're coping.

I felt much closer to PC last night. Like the walls were down. I still worry (of course) but for the moment I am okay.

I'm worried about money. Anyone who thinks I chose PC for money has another think coming. At the moment, we are both struggling but I expect it to work out.

The weather here is typical for Florida. Mornings are cold enough to require a heater and afternoons are warm enough to need air conditioning. I wish I lived somewhere where the seasons changed instead of the teasing glimpses of "winter" we get. I wish I could see snow.

Last night's meeting at work began with BestFriendM's arrival and her snippy greeting "I'm not dating your husband". I told her I thought they'd make a great couple and she replied "I don't" and I shrugged and said "I was actually ok with that". Later I gave EH an earful for telling her I had jokingly suggested it to him. I guess I forget that EH is NOT someone I can talk to. I intend to work harder at keeping lines between us that prevent me from sharing too much.

Never a calm moment...

Except for the nights. I love curling up to PC and putting my head on his chest while we watch TV in bed. I love feeling him stroke my back or my hair in the gentle way that he does.

I'll let you know my employment status later!

Delusions of Grandeur?

2005-12-27T09:02:00.000-05:00

Christmas turned out to be better than expected. My family joined us for Christmas dinner and we played Monopoly late into the night. My family has really taken to PC, which is nice.

My mother dropped by at 9 pm last night and visited for about 45 minutes. It was awkward and the conversation was about as easy as brain surgery. But at least she stopped by...

EH inadvertantly dropped a bombshell on me by commenting on his plans to celebrate Christmas with BestFriendM after the New Year. BestFriendM, the traitor, has a gift for SG so the merry event that is an annual tradition will only be minus my presence. All the hurt and abandoned feelings I had are gone and replaced by pure disgust for this "so-called friend" who knows nothing about friendship. We were best friends for nearly 8 years and the idea that she has dumped me and become so close to EH still stings. I would have stood by her through anything and the idea that she abandoned me because she didn't agree with my choice makes me realize how shallow our friendship must have been. Even PC is surprised by her reaction.

PC and I lapsed into some premature plans last night that got my head spinning a bit. Our relationship has transitioned easily, if quickly, into the comfortable togetherness that couples usually take years to warm to. But somewhere in my subconscious is this little alarm bell. I have no idea what it's ringing about, but it's there. And it worries me. Is there something missing that I haven't caught onto yet? Trust issues? Financial worries? Moving too fast? I have no idea.

I'm in love with PC. Occasionally, it occurs to me that perhaps PC is not in love with me, so much as he is in love with the idea of being in love with me. Like some inner voice in him is running a list:

- Frequent sex? Check!
- Good communication? Check!
- Willing to contribute to household? Check!

Ok! Basics are in place...let's have a relationship.

Or...maybe my PMS is just making my brain screwy. I swear, I am on week 2 of PMS without the period and it's making me insane.

I haven't "cooled" towards PC. I am still enjoying him thoroughly. I even enjoy when he annoys me. Yesterday he was making me insane with to-do lists and I just wanted to relax, and I loved it even as I plotted his death. I feel tired, stressed or worried and he smiles at me in this certain way and I forget everything but how much I love him.

But what if I really am just some "check" on a list. What if he really is incapable of truly loving someone?

What if PMS lasts forever?

I honestly think it boils down to my feeling of security. PC and I have moved very fast in a short period of time and while I feel sure of my own feelings, I am still accepting his feelings. I need to be able to trust that he loves me and is prepared for the future we are planning together and on some levels I am still not there. PC has stayed in an unhappy marriage and hid his feelings in the past and that leaves me very worried that I could be fooled as well. Sometimes I believe it without pause, but there are moments I feel like he could just as easily walk away.

And if that's true, how can I plan for a future?

I can't be hurt again. With all I have been through and all I have given up to be here, it would be devastating. I don't know that I would recover.

It boils down to security. How do you convince yourself that someone's feelings are true?

Two for Tea?

2005-12-22T08:43:00.000-05:00

So, the email to Ex didn't go over well. I'm not really that jazzed to have any communication with her at all, but she apparently doesn't want an email. She wants me to come to her house and face her eye to eye. Of course I am phrasing that much nicer...to truly communicate her invitation I'd have to use some pretty ugly words in between every other noun.

I'm not thinking that's such a good idea. One, her past voicemails and emails smack of nothing more than name-calling and threats. So, how would she control herself in person? I'm not afraid of her, but I see only bad things in her losing control in my face.

So, I'm declining the invite.

I spoke to my new step-mother last night about the situation and she had some good insight. Additionally, she pep talked me by saying that while it was nice for me to be apologetic, it would be stupid for me to be a doormat and I had to put my foot down on the harassment and name calling.

Ultimately, I am just going to leave her alone. PC will have to deal with her.

Speaking of PC...wow!

I'm not a morning person, but he wakes me with such a smile! This morning, the alarm sounded and he grabbed me and pulled me close with a sleepy "C'mere!" and just cuddled against me. Every morning I notice his pillows have migrated to my side of the bed because he moves closer and closer to me in the night.

I told PC I wished I could give him a gift this year for Christmas. He said that I gave him 'me' and he was giving me 'him'. Appropriate, really.

I may have to insist on a bow though...

Finally, my Christmas has changed up a bit. Santa is going to treat me to a holiday after all. Christmas Eve will find PC and I at a huge party by my new step-mom's family (about 100 people) and Christmas Day has now ended up in PC and I hosting Christmas Dinner for my dad, step-mom, sister and her boyfriend and possibly 2 of PC's old friends. I'm so excited! I've never done Christmas dinner before and the idea makes me all tingly inside! Granted we have only a card table at the moment for a dining room table, but I think we can make it work with some ingenuity...

I guess the spirit is catching up to me more than I thought it could. And while I still wish I could buy gifts for my family, I am so lucky to have them around me that day.

And I got the best gift of all in PC...

My mother is absent again. I'm really sad over it this time. The estate was settled from her father's death and her evil sister finally settled up with the money she stole from my mother. Now, my mom had always said that when this happened she was going to share it with me because my grandfather's initial wishes had been to have me inherit as well. He considered me the 4th daughter. Well, I learned that mom got $17,000 a few weeks ago from this. And she's keeping it secret. More than that, she is avoiding me. I haven't mentioned knowing and truthfully I haven't expected it, but it hurts that she chose to deal with it by hiding and avoiding me. I admit that I hoped because having just lost everything I owned in the Hurricane it would have helped tremendously...but...

More than that, mom isn't planning to see me or SG for Christmas (even though she lives 3 minutes away). No, she's not traveling. She just isn't interested, I guess. I called her and she's avoiding my calls.

I try and try to cut myself off from her and then some glimmer of hope rises and I end up trying to have a relationship with her again. I get burned every time. Stupid...

EH and I are cool, but civil. There are no more "hugs" when we greet or part. He's withdrawn from me, and I can understand it. EH has his secrets too. He just doesn't know that I know about them. Interesting stuff. I'd venture to say there's been a tad of hypocrisy on his side too...but, neither here nor there.

All I want is PC and I've been promised that this is exactly what I'll get!

This Funny World

2005-12-21T08:57:00.000-05:00

Things are heating up between PC and his soon-to-be-ex who I suppose needs a monicker. I'll call her Ex.

She and PC are largely communicating via emails and her emails yesterday had a layer of hate, mainly directed at me.

Ironic, isn't it?

She's initiating background checks on me. She's talking about a group of women who are determined to let everyone know what I am. And so on.

PC and I had our first disagreement last night. The background story is that this past weekend was the annual Holiday Boat parade - an event I have attended since I was a child. EH was taking SG (with my former BestFriend) and my family was busy and I really wanted to do just one thing for the holidays. PC agreed to go with me. About an hour before we left to go, Ex called him and suggested he come get their 2 boys to take them to see a movie. PC asked if he could call her back (so he could discuss it with me) and she responded with "That's right, go break your date" and hung up. Moments later she called back and said "Forget it". PC saw this as her way of playing games.

Yesterday I saw an email between she and PC where she ranted about him not taking them and he replied that he had every intention of taking them until she got nasty.

I know I'm wrong here, but this hurt my feelings. I've never come between him and time with his boys (and never would) but he made it clear to me that this was a deliberate game for her to screw up any plans we might have (apparently she did this with her 1st husband often) and I was upset that he would have actually ditched me last minute to go along with her whim. I made a smart-ass comment "I hope she doesn't do something like that on our wedding day, that would really suck for me" and promptly pissed him off.

He grew cold and stiff. I asked what he was upset about and he told me that he didn't think that my comment was necessary.

First, I respect him infinitely more for his response. We discussed it and our feelings and in no time at all we both felt much better.

But Ex doesn't feel better. Ex is angry and wants to direct it all at me. She and PC are in an email war and her main topic is me.

I feel awful for so many reasons.

I feel awful for how hurt and angry she is. I feel awful for PC having to go through this. I feel awful that Ex is rallying friends and neighbors to rise against me when I know she has every right to feel this way. I feel awful for the hurt feelings on all sides and I don't know how to resolve it.

I am not proud of how PC came to be in my life. We were both wrong. On his side, he already felt his marriage was over. On my side, I was just coming to that conclusion. I am so sorry for the terrible things that were done to the people we both care about. But I can't be sorry that PC and I are together. Bloggies, I love him. And the best part is that he loves me too.

I am not sure how to proceed. How do I hang on to someone I feel so sure I want to spend my life with and not hurt people in the process? How do I make ammends? How do I make it "okay" for all involved?

Ex wants to speak to me. PC gave his okay. I suggested strictly by email since her voicemails are basically 45 seconds of name-calling and I didn't feel we could have a true conversation just yet. I emailed her to give her my email address and basically just apologized to her.

Here is my email to her:

Ex,

I understand that you would like to speak with me. This is the way you can contact me. At least for the time being, I believe email is the best manner of communication as opposed to a phone conversation that strictly consists of you calling me names and prevents us from actually having a conversation. I have not returned your previous voicemails for several reasons. One, you didn't actually ask me to and I assumed you had said what you wanted me to hear and two, I didn't want to do anything to further upset or anger you and cause additional problems.

I don't expect you to be civil to me. I've actually been in your shoes and I wasn't civil. EH had an affair in 2004. I was angry and furious and full of hate for a very long time. We were never the same after. I realize that does little to make you feel better, but I do understand how you must be feeling and I am truly sorry for everything you are going through. Again, I know that means very little and doesn't do anything to help you but it needed to be said either way.

I'll check this email as often as possible for any emails you wish to send me and will do my best to respond as quickly as possible.

OW

Is there some proper path to making it all right? Is there some magic thing I can say or some punishment I can endure to ease everyone's suffering? EH has been phenomenal through this, but even he and I are only on civil terms with no warmth between us.

It hurts. It hurts everyone. I'm so sorry for it all.

Whispering in the Dark

2005-12-20T11:37:00.000-05:00

PC and I do a lot of whispering in the dark.

I know that a large part of PC's love for me has to do with him feeling he can talk to me openly and honestly where he has never before shared his thoughts with another person. He admits that communication failure was a large part of the failure of his marriage, his wife was equally non-communicative.

We talk about many things. Religion. Our lives. Our families. Our fears. Our hopes.

We spoke of his family. He has nearly as many family issues as I have. We've both been affected. We spoke of his grandmother who strikes me as an incredible woman. We spoke of his childhood.

We spoke of our past lovers. Always dangerous territory. We counted. I blushed when I admitted to 15 lovers and then I nearly had to scoop my jaw off the ground when he added up to about 120. Yes, 120. PC's college days were...active. I wasn't sure how I felt about that and he could see that it bothered me. He told me that I should look at it as 120 that didn't live up to me and to note that he still makes love to me an average of 2-3 times per day, at the very least 1 time.

We spoke of religion and our feelings on organized religion. We spoke of my paganism and how he felt about that (he's fine with it). We spoke of our faiths.

We spoke of our hopes. What we want in a life together.

We spoke of our children. I worry incessantly about his stepdaughter. She and SG are friends and we've kept them apart since this situation came to be. I worry about how a 10 year old who suffers from severe bi-polar disorder as well as 4 of the 5 major learning disabilities will cope when she comes to understand that her stepdad is now her friend's stepdad someday. I worry about his boys. I adore his boys and long for a time we can spend time together as a family.

We spoke of SG. I worry there too. She adores him and he adores her but I have to eventually meld them both into a family. There's time, but I still worry.

We spoke of our hopes for future holidays. Birthdays and holidays are inconsequential to him and I thrive on them. I made him promise that he'll celebrate with me and let them matter to me. This Christmas is only survivable knowing that future holidays will be far brighter.

So many worries, hopes, fears and tasks ahead. But I still believe in it all.

Tiptoeing Towards Content

2005-12-19T15:48:00.000-05:00

As if to confirm that yesterday was a bad case of PMS, I feel infinitely better today.

PC came home last night and I admitted to feeling down and talked to him about why. He held me close and told me he understood and that he would be there for me. He told me we'd make new & better friends. He told me he was sorry I was hurting.

He made me feel better.

Today finds me bustling about, busy at work and feeling up!

PC brings out good things in me. He pushes me to get things done when I'd rather ignore them and wish they'd go away. He keeps me focused (or tries to) and he makes me feel like a better life really is just a few steps away. He inspires me.

He loves me.

EH and I are bickering. Not majorly, but in a way that lets me know we're not going to be friends in the real sense of the word. That makes me sad, but I understand. I plan to start the paperwork for divorce after the 1st of the year to get the whole thing over and done with.

The funny thing is, in retrospect - I am so glad I made this decision. Forget PC - I am seeing all the problems in my marriage with crystal clarity and it surprises me how blind I was to EH's ways. I see him with different eyes now and I'm sad to admit that I can't see how we lasted as long as we did. I know that I did truly love him, but I was blind to how he took advantage of me and left all the "work" to me. I should have left him when he stopped trying to earn a decent living. I should have left him when he cheated. Hindsight...

Now I just want to move forward...

The Christmas spirit is eluding me this year. I'm without money to buy gifts for anyone and have only managed to get a few very small and inexpensive items for SG. I won't be able to get PC anything at all or my family. I'm sad because SG is so young and will wonder why Santa bypassed her this year. She's been such a trooper...

Next Christmas will be beautiful...I'm sure of it.

Friendless in Florida

2005-12-18T22:30:00.000-05:00

I'm missing my friends.

The funny thing about divorcing is how your friends suddenly disappear. In my marriage to EH, our friends were entirely comprised of my friends that became "our" friends. In the wake of the disaster of our demise, all friends have become solely EH's friends - including my best friend.

I can understand them not understanding or supporting my choice. Oddly, the majority of them had commented over the years how they felt I was "carrying" EH (a direct quote and several had suggested that they felt I was being taken advantage of. All those who felt I could be better off without EH suddenly see me as the "bad wife" who lef ther husband.

And still, I can understand. It hurts, but I understand.

Most hurtful to me is the loss of my best friend. We were living with her when our house fell down in Hurricane Wilma for 2 weeks. We moved out on a Friday, EH and I had our marriage ending discussion the following Monday and in the week that followed I went into "quiet mode" dealing with EH, PC and myself trying to find an answer. The following Monday, EH met secretly with BestFriendM - a meeting they both kept from me. He refused to discuss who he was meeting and she and her husband outright lied to me about the meeting. I got angry. I didn't confront her, I just didn't call her and she equally avoided me. A few days later, she met with PC and suggested I was motivated by money (Ha!) to be with PC. And, in the days since she has been absent in my life.

All the Christmas traditions we shared with BestFriendM over the last 8 years have become obsolete, but it still surprised me when she and EH went to a holiday event we had always gone to as a group together. Alone (with the kids). No husband. Just them. I'm not jealous, mind you. I personally would prefer that they somehow DID get together because, friends or not, I think they'd be great together and I would love her as SG's stepmom since she is already a 2nd mom to her. She's fair and fun and while we have fallen out, I would still trust her with the important role in SG's life. So, rule out jealousy and color me just sad...

It hurts to be so alone this time of year. SG is overcompensating for EH's changed role in her life by fixating on him. Our friends are now solely EH's friends. And I find that PC is all I have in my life.

PC remains amazing. But the role of my lone person is too big to give to any one person and I miss my friends.

On a happier note - PC still rocks my world. He's a rock of support and comfort and fun. He is everything and more I could dream up in a man. Saturday night treated me to an evening of being blindfolded, fed sweet treats from chocolate to ice to maple syrup ala 9 1/2 weeks and teased and tormented for hours until I had to surrender and plead exhaustion. I can't help but think of all he is to me...and all he means to me.

And how much it would hurt to not have him in my life. I am in love with him. But I desperately need the outlet of friends to keep from leaning on him so much...not that he minds, but *I* mind.

I hate feeling needy.

Then again, maybe it's just PMS...?

Sleepless

2005-12-16T10:06:00.000-05:00

If there's one thing I can do lately, and do well, it's sleep.

At night, when I finally nod off snuggled close to PC I am unwakeable - and indeed, PC admits to trying some fairly bold moves to stir me from slumber, but I am reportedly unresponsive.

Last night I dozed off earlier than usual, again snuggled close to PC watching TV in bed. At 2:30 am I awoke to find him still watching TV - only in addition to this, all of my laundry was folded on my dresser and hung up and put away, the kitchen had been cleaned and it was apparent he'd been cleaning while I slept.

I'm torn between worshipping this god who would clean while I sleep and feeling horribly guilty. I threatened to go detail his car when he fell asleep and as usual he just laughed at me.

I used to resent feeling largely responsible for the household chores. EH would do them, but not with any sense of urgency and truth-be-told I would feel overwhelmed and eventually the house would be a disaster area that would only be resolved (somewhat) when I woke up on a weekend in a do-or-die frame of mind and tortured EH and SG like slaves to move. I am so appreciative over the fact that I now have a man who works with me on this...although, admittedly I am slacking on my side largely due to back pain issues over the past 3 weeks that are only now slowly subsiding.

Just one more small thing that makes me happy...

I'm sure that the adjustment is large for PC too. His wife didn't work and the household was her sole responsibility. PC no longer has "maid service" since I work full-time and his attitude about it has been wonderful. Not a hesitation, not a complaint...

PC continues to fascinate me. His thought processes and his ways are so intriguing to me. He is such a different creature than I have known. I admitted last night that I am enrapt by his expressions when he speaks. PC has two sides that I am familiar with - a playful side that is punctuated with smiles and laughs and devilish grins and a very serious side. When he speaks to me from the serious side I am completely swept up in watching his face and I find myself paying such close attention to every word. PC spent so many years keeping himself under fairly tight control. Never showing emotion or sharing thoughts with anyone. Feeling he has to always be in control. He has opened up so much to me and shared so many things that our emotional intimacy level is strong. Sexually, he still wrestles with the control issues but that is yet another area we are having some fun exploring with this open line of communication.

SG is spending the night with EH tonight and tomorrow night leaving PC and I mostly alone together. I think one can guess how we'll be spending it...

Random Clarity

2005-12-15T10:31:00.000-05:00

I feel slightly better, even though the same worries are on my mind. I'm going to purge here and move forward...

I'm tired of being stressed, depressed and worried. I feel like I am always fretting over something and smiling is getting harder and harder to do naturally.

I'm stressed and depressed over the holidays. I'm not sure what the plan is yet, but I suspect that between EH taking SG and PC seeing his boys, I could easily spend Christmas alone. Now, I keep telling myself it will be fine, but I have to admit that it's a culture shock to me. I've had 32 years of chaotic holidays where I have to travel to 8 different family homes to unwrap gifts because of all the separated family members and usually I am overwhelmed. This year I asked that no one buy for me since I can't afford to buy for them and PC and I have agreed not to exchange gifts this year so I am imagining an empty tree, an empty house and a very lonely day. I'm thinking seriously about looking into some sort of volunteer thing to distract myself and stop me from going into "woe-is-me" mode.

I'm worried over money, but what else is new???

I'm stressed over work. More on that later...much later...

I'm feeling burdensome to PC, although he swears I'm not. His soon-to-be-ex-wife and he are struggling with the issues over their 2 children and I'm always somehow in the way.

Which is a great segue for a karma tale. Karma has come to me in spades. Long-time readers will recall what I went through when I caught EH in his affair and how his other woman enjoyed provoking and antagonizing me. There was much pain, anger and confusion to ensue. Well, karma treated me to a special view of this when PC let it be known to his wife that he was in a relationship with me. I received a series of very nasty voicemails from her that ranged from name-calling to threats to ugly insinuations. In my mind was remembering how I felt when I learned EH had betrayed me with another woman and do you know what my response was?

Nothing.

Not a word, not a response, nothing. First, in respect for PC I am not about to engage his wife in any sort of confrontation. Second, I feel genuinely sorry for her. She spent 9 years in a marriage that made them both unhappy. No communication, no affection, no trust, no shared life and she somehow still thought that they should stay married - although it didn't seem to be out of "love". More out of duty. I can understand how easy it is for her to blame me, but the truth is that it was widely known that PC's master plan was to stay until his children were 18 and then leave. I didn't break up their marriage. He was already gone. But rather than argue it, I intend to remain respectful. Should she ever manage to get me on the phone or face to face I intend to remain compassionate and stick with an "I understand" response. I have no intention or desire to cause her any further pain or anger. The issues between them are between her and PC alone.

So...PC. PC seems to sense I'm dealing with something mentally and has been loving and attentive. He really is a miracle to me. I find myself playing it "down" in some respect because I can't see myself shouting from the rooftops about my love while dealing with divorce and the hurt I've caused but I confess that the desire is there. I'm in love. Totally and completely. I know we have a long road ahead of us before we can resign ourselves to normalcy, but I'm going to make that path.

Because the paradise that lies at the end of it is more than I could have ever imagined.

Behold, My Power!

2005-12-14T23:25:00.000-05:00

I have a special talent that I bet you didn't know about...

I take men, wonderful men, and turn them into stressed out creatures who lose their way in life. It's a gift. The beauty of it is that when I give up on them and leave, they prosper.

Yep. I'm a magical girl indeed.

PC is thoroughly stressed about his career. He's not satisfied with the way things have been going professionally and frets about it and money day and night. It's nice to have someone else worrying about things like that for a change, but nonetheless, it also makes me wonder if I don't have some vampiric charm that sucks the life right out of a man.

What guy wouldn't want to be with me? Got stability? Got a plan? I can make them both disappear with three simple words: I love you.

I guess I am stressed too - and maybe projecting a bit. My own finances are stretched far too thin. EH's method of refusing to establish any sort of child support drains me and makes it hard to maintain the friendly relationship we have worked hard to establish. Money is at the forefront of my thoughts too. I worked a 12 hour day today to try to help alleviate some of it and raced home with anticipation of seeing PC only to find that the greeting was lukewarm (he's stressed) and in the first 30 seconds I was deeper in financial debt and further from being able to buy a single Christmas present for SG.

Add to that one more thing...a moment tonight that I tried to be sexy and failed miserably and it's just not my night. Rather than pushing my darling PC over the edge of unbridled passion, I managed to leave him clutching at his heart, mumbling about stress and ultimately unfulfilled. I tend to take it deeply personally when a man doesn't orgasm. To me, it's a failure. Especially in a man that typically doesn't require much to reach that point. In some ways, EH's failure to be sexually satisfied really weighed on me too, leaving me feeling like a terrible lover. Tonight shocked me to find it occuring again with PC, of all people, and only more deeply rooted that nasty little thought that the problem is me.

Not much of a night for the ego.

Yep...I'm a real man-killer.

Having felt sorry for myself long enough, I think I'll go sleep for a change! Goodnight!

Oddly Enough...I'm Here

2005-12-14T08:58:00.000-05:00

Am I back?

Honestly, I don't know.

But you deserve an update, so here it is...

EH moved out about a month ago. We owed rent to PC (who had also moved out of his home and was living in a hotel). EH refused to pay any money to PC and chose to move out instead, essentially leaving me in a bind. Since I couldn't pay PC, PC moved in with me to save the expense of the hotel. EH knew this was the situation and made the decision because he wanted to use his money to purchase a car.

Friends are history. BestFriendM held two meetings in particular that disturbed me. One "secret" meeting with EH during which she counseled him on his options legally to fight me for custody and to "protect himself" and one business meeting with PC during which she insinuated that I was interested in PC for money. PC didn't tell me about that until much later when the topic somehow arose and he admitted it.

My mother and I are beginning to speak. Slowly. Carefully. But it's a start.

EH and I remain on decent terms. We get along well and speak often as if we were the best of friends. On the other hand, he's not financially contributing towards our daughter beyond $70 (half of her after care cost) and what he spends when he takes her out for the day. He's stuck me with all expenses from lunch money to her medical insurance and so on without the slightest remorse. I'm beyond broke and truthfully, unless he helps with the expenses I don't see any way to put anything under the Christmas tree for her. I'd say EH's vision of the finances pretty much illustrates his attitude about money during our entire marriage...it's my problem.

SG, my daughter, is doing just fine. She's taken all of this like a true trooper and has adapted well. She's become completely obsessed with hockey and delights EH with her fierce dedication to the sport. She gets along wonderfully with PC and seems alright with the changes. EH and I remain committed to parenting as a team.

So...wondering about PC?

I'm completely in love. I am not sure how to describe it without being unkind to the memory of EH, but I feel obligated to try. There are so many things I didn't realize I was missing out on in my marriage. We laugh, tease, play, talk seriously about our futures and worries, cuddle, plan...everything. He's so much more on my level than EH was. PC not only gets my silly side, but shares his own silly side. I am in a perpetual state of awe over him. In a dead sleep, if I disturb him ever-so-slightly, he instantly has a huge smile on his face...every time - as if he's so happy to open his eyes and see me there. Sometimes I purposely bump him just to see it. It never fails to make my heart skip a beat. By the same token, he has established boundaries with me that make me feel important to him. EH was never a jealous guy and to some extent that made me feel insignifigant. PC isn't so much jealous, but does make it clear to me that he wouldn't be the right person to toy with. Most amazingly, PC seems to be entirely in love with me right back. This man who has been so closed off for his entire life appears to open up to me so easily and share his soul with me. I love everything about him...from his independence, to his ease with any situation.

And the sex...? I'm exhausted. Remember my sex-starved days of yore? Hah!!! A normal day/night is on avererage 3-4 times daily...every day...without fail. Over and over...and it's only sleep, work or an outside obligation that gives me any reprieve! He can do it again and again and again...and he's amazing at it. Whew...

Times are still tough and the future is really rocky with problems to solve. I still do and always will love EH, but I believe he is much better off without me and that seems to be holding true. He's got a car, a new job, many friends and he's going to be great. Ultimately, I still believe I made the right choice.

PC and I have set New Year's Eve as a sort of "first day of the rest of our lives" night. Not sure what we will do, but we both want it to be special.

The reason for the blog post is simple. Reading through my archives with PC last night - he appreciated an insight into my thoughts and he felt like it was beneficial to me to 'get it all out'.

And maybe it is.

I had ceased blogging to avoid a certain psychopath but I don't see any reason to fret over her any longer.

So, how have you been?

Another Goodbye

2005-11-15T12:12:00.000-05:00

I've now received my 3rd unsolicited email from Rhonda (EH's other woman) and although she no longer has the power to so much as annoy me it seems like a logical move to dump her along with the rest of the changes.

So...this blog will be retired. Chapter closed. Because when you "clean house", you have to first remove the rubble, the debris and of course, the trash.

I'll probably start a new blog in the near future because it helps me to chronicle my thoughts and share them, but this one I think has drawn to an end.

(Insert Jaws Theme Song Here)

2005-11-14T14:46:00.000-05:00

A pesky little email surfaced in my gmail account over the weekend, perfectly illustrating many points in my mind. I decided to share it here since some of you have been reading since the days of yore and are privvy to the past-drama and how it has shaped the present.

The "other woman" that EH had the affair with last year emailed me to accuse me of "digging up information on her and contacting her ex".

Right.

In my spare time, between surviving an intense natural disaster that reduced my home to rubble, coping without electric for 2 weeks, moving, sleeping on friend's couches and ending my marriage, somehow I am believed to have found the time and resources to play Nancy Drew and stalk this non-entity of hate from the past.

I'm a multi-tasker, sure, but this is a bit ambitious even for me.

First, I'm thrilled her ex found out, and I personally hope that he makes her life every bit the living hell that she once made mine. But beyond that, she is below worthless to me.

Nothing is the same in my life. My home, my marriage, my career, my family have all been reformed and truthfully - the future looks bright.

But first, some hard times to finish out...EH and I concluded the discussions and the final decision was made to end the marriage. EH is surviving, but hurting and I'm doing all I can to make it easy for him. He's been so kind and understanding that I am confident we will remain on excellent terms for SG. Beyond that, I think we could genuinely be friends.

PlayBoy has been hinting at a new name. He feels that he has outgrown his "playboy" status with his promises to me and has asked me a few times when he'll get a new name. I had held off, but in light of moving forward, I have finally settled on one for him. I warn you that it's cliche, tacky and not-even-remotely-original, but it is fitting.

PB can become PC for Prince Charming. Because, truthfully, he makes me feel a bit like Cinderella. PC is a very handsome, incredibly charming, successful and brilliant man who has long worn the image of a PlayBoy. His capacity for love has shocked me immensely. Between declarations of undying love, song lyrics, marriage proposals, Tahitian vacation planning and an incredible desire to take care of all of my needs, worries and anxieties - this new monicker fits well. I still have to admit to being a bit in awe at being the one to win his heart. PC counts former Miss Texas beauty queens, Senators daughters' and other notables among his previous flames. I have literally seen women throw themselves at him. He's educated, ambitious and full of plans for a brilliant future - and I hope to be at his side to see them to fruition.

I know that it will take time for you to "accept" the dramatic role changes on this blog and I'll weigh the decision to move this blog carefully should it seem right...

The Kindest Cuts

2005-11-11T10:42:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was hard.

I know EH's birthday just plain sucked. I wouldn't have wished it on anyone. I tried - I really did - but he's been hurting so much.

EH has been so kind and understanding. But I can't help but feel that the end is near. I wish I could do something to have him taken care of for life - give him millions of dollars, introduce him to the Swedish Bikini team...something to give him happiness. He said he feels like I am moving into another situation and he just has this void in front of him.

Somehow we're closer and yet so much further apart. I hope we never lose the special bond we have between us. I dread telling SG. She's not going to take it well.

I don't know what the next step is, but I expect we'll find out this weekend.

Another Day, Another Heartache

2005-11-09T16:32:00.000-05:00

And on it goes.

EH is still in pain and that causes me great pain. The truly ironic thing is that now he has a much greater concept of how I felt last year...except, of course, that I was pregnant. And that I had his affair chronicled in emails and blogged in great detail for my reading pleasure. I understand exactly how curiosity killed the cat.

But this wasn't about revenge. And it's not about PB. It's more about...well, me.

Tomorrow, in a cosmic matter of piss-poor timing, is EH's birthday. Feel free to drop him a birthday greeting at theevenhusband@gmail.com.

The condo is working out nicely. We're still living in boxes and salvaging damp belongings from the rubble when we can. No cable, no dsl, no phone yet...everything is seriously backed up from the storm.

SG LOVES her new school - and I am really impressed with it myself so far!

This post sucks, I know. I tried...

Tangled Webs

2005-11-08T10:58:00.000-05:00

Hurting EH last night was without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever done. And at the same time, so relieving to be honest.

Tensions are high. Particularly with EH, PlayBoy and myself working in the same place. Everyone is stepping lightly. I feel like a complete jerk for bringing this on people I care for. I never expected any of this, but here it is.

PlayBoy really should have a new name, but I am not ready to change it just yet. The term no longer fits him exactly since he has committed himself 100% in pursuit of being with me. Still, to keep the story straight, we'll keep him as Playboy for now.

EH suffered last night and all I could do was be there. I would have given my life to make it not hurt him. He blames himself. I blame myself. There's a lot of blame, isn't there?

Tonight, I am having dinner with CB. Remember CrazyBoss? She's offering me something new. At this point, it's worth listening.

PlayBoy's wife is also suffering. Their marriage has been over for many years, but he had always planned to stick it out for the boys. Now he wants out and his wife is afraid. She's never had to work, although she has a teacher's license. She strikes me as a very money-driven woman and I've seen her be very unkind to Playboy. I don't like her, but I feel for her as much as I do for the rest of us.

EH wants to save the marriage, but I wonder if he will feel the same when the shock dulls a bit. He commented that "all he knew was us" and it struck me that this was really indicative of how I have been feeling. It wasn't a declaration of love, but rather a dependency. Feeling like the main salary earner, caregiver and decision maker is my biggest problem. EH is very easy going but lacks any motivation to get ahead in life. I've pushed him for 10 years and I'm just tired. Burnt out.

I love EH, but I've lost so much ability inside of myself to be his wife. Even as he hurt openly last night, I felt so dead inside.

PlayBoy is hurting too, I can tell. His wife is crying and he's not sleeping and he's worrying over me. His feelings for me are unchanged though and I have to admit to being rather impressed by it all.

Playboy isn't to blame and I really need to make that clear. If we were both single, this would be a no-brainer. But we're not. And unfortunately this has caused us to both realize all of the things that are wrong in our marriages and lives and find a choice in front of us both.

SG is unaware and adjusting well to her new school like the trooper she is.

I'm a ball of nerves all around. Trying my best to focus on work today and not do anymore damage.

I appreciate not being blasted in comments, by the way. Everyone has been understanding and kind.

Am I My Mother's Daughter?

2005-11-07T17:14:00.000-05:00

There's a question that's been on my mind lately. Am I my mother's daughter?

My mother destroyed her 2nd marriage to my stepfather, a good man, because she wanted/needed more in her life. After, she turned hard, cold, distant and seriously bi-polar.

Am I my mother's daughter? Is that going to be me?

I've learned a lot about myself in the past few weeks. The last year and a half has taken a far greater toll on me than I had realized. When facing a situation that would normally tear me apart, I just seem to go numb inside. Cold. I don't feel all the things I should feel. I don't feel the pain or the fear.

Tonight, EH and I are scheduled to have a talk. A serious talk. I've avoided blogging about it because I was trying to figure it all out on my own and since EH reads this, it seemed unkind to unload my thoughts here.

I don't expect the talk to go well. In truth, by the end of it, my marriage will more than likely be over. And I'm prepared for that. All I feel is sorry. I don't want to hurt EH. I never want him hurt. I love him - and I always will. But things have changed.

Maybe it was all we went through. Maybe somehow losing the house was my final straw. Maybe it's him. Maybe it's me. Maybe it's both of us, neither of us...does anyone really know why a marriage fails?

And yes, PlayBoy is a central figure. But you knew that, didn't you? Maybe it's the fact that I was able to talk to him when I felt so closed off from everyone else. Maybe his need to make my life better. Maybe the way he keeps saying he wants to take care of me when no one ever has and I have always had to take care of everyone else. Maybe it was when he told me he was in love with me - this unobtainable man who has broken hearts as long as I have known him and sworn he could never fall in love. Maybe it's the fact that my daughter can sleep in her bed under a roof he put over her head.

I don't know. I just know that it's been this huge relief to me to have someone who loves me, understands me and doesn't want me to be his mother.

I'm hurting too, somewhere...I don't feel it now. Maybe later I will.

I'm sorry I let you down. But I am relieved to finally be honest. I expect the unhappy comments. I expect the shock, anger and barbs. It's okay. I deserve them and I won't be able to feel them anyway. EH is a good, good man but maybe in many ways he lost me when he hurt me last year. This wasn't revenge - I never expected to find myself here.

But here I am. My mother's daughter. I wonder if she'd be proud now.

The Stroke of Midnight

2005-11-04T16:20:00.000-05:00

My bp is 222/132 - the highest I have seen it and honestly, now I am worried. I'll be making a dr.'s appointment come Monday. I just need to get this move completed.

The Billy Idol concert was okay. I had trouble enjoying it. EH and I are still not connecting and the tension between us seems to be mounting. During the concert he became very possessive, which is unusual for him, and was so "grabby" that he was pushing me around more than the slam-dancing strangers. One guy was joking with me about how we kept getting bumped into each other and we kidded that we were actually dancing. Within moments, EH pushed between us and gave the man a withering glare. The man asked EH if I was his "girlfriend" and EH said "No" in a cold way and turned his back.

Gman got properly plastered and I had to lug his gigantic, sweaty frame to the car under the guise of walking arm in arm. He must weigh 280, so it was no easy task.

Stress at work is high. Stress at home is high. I don't see any of it going away anytime soon, but I really need to get into my OWN bed tonight.

We're leaving tonight to go grab our beds and put them in the new condo. I'll try to post pictures soon. I'm so excited...I love this place. I really do...

I have this awful suspicion that this weekend is going to be a bad one. Call it a premonition.

I really appreciate all of the encouragement from you all, but the truth is - I don't deserve it. I'm bound to let you down, bloggies. I won't mean to, or want to, but it's coming. I think the wheels of change may be starting a turn.

I just hope it's the right one.

Honesty...Such a Lonely Word

2005-11-03T11:15:00.000-05:00

I'm surviving...sort of.

My blood pressure is 222/133. Not good. I see a hospital visit in my future.

It looks like we can move into the condo this weekend. I went and saw it again last night and it's still the most beautiful place I have ever dreamed of living in.

EH and I are not doing well. With the intense stress in my life at the moment, my response is to be withdrawn and he feels that I should be more exceptionally loving towards him. He keeps saying he never sees me - which drives me batty since we work together and are together every night (mostly). I think what he really means is that we never see each other alone...which is just not possible when we have no place to be alone. In the past 11 days I have been "spoken to" about my lack of affection 3 times, always in the middle of the night (which would be fine if I had more than a cumulative of 12 hours sleep in the past 11 days). At the moment, it's another pressure for me. Perform! Swoon! Pay attention to me! That's usually my role and the reversal is driving us further apart. I keep begging him to just give me space and wait out the current situation but he's not holding up well. And instead of inspiring romance, it's making me want to just scream.

The problem is, I'm just cold and numb inside lately. I have no idea if this is permanent or temporary. I've never gone numb like this before.

PlayBoy and I had an honesty issue yesterday that shook me up more than I had thought possible. We discussed it and he opened up and I think we're communicating much clearer now. I hope so. I have a lot of my life resting on his words right now and at this point, I need to keep believing in him. He apologized and seemed deeply sorry that it had happened. He asked me to trust him again. We all know I have developed trust issues with people, so I agreed to not let this come between our friendship but I admitted that it had to be a wait and see matter with me. If it happened again...well, it would have a signifigant impact on our friendship regardless of how amazing our friendship is. PlayBoy seems to understand this. Our friendship has come to be important to both of us and I do believe that he doesn't want that to happen. PlayBoy has become aware of my blog courtesy of Hurricane conditions that prompted me to check my site from his laptop and there's always a possibility he'll be a reader at some point. I would have to say we're at a comfort level where I could be okay with that. So, PlayBoy - if you do happen to drop by...remember you're essentially reading my diary and be nice :) (I know you will)

I'm attending the Billy Idol concert tonight with EH, Gman, and PlayBoy. Woohoo! 3 dates! It would be great if I wasn't beyond exhausted. I'm awake (thanks to massive caffeine infusions) but my temper, emotions and attitude are all sucking at the moment. I've snapped at my boss, I've alienated my husband, I've imposed horribly upon BestFriendM, GrabbyMan and PlayBoy and truthfully, I'm about ready to pack a backpack and jump an Amtrak to Instanbul.

Bear with my bloggies. I'm depriving you of total disclosure at the moment, but only because I lack the energy, courage and strength to face it all. I'm so much more of a wreck than you know...and some of you know me well. I'll figure myself out and hopefully with some sleep (say...a week?) I'll find out if I'm still me again or if I have become this otherworldy entity.

Bewitched, Bothered & Bewildered

2005-11-01T09:51:00.000-05:00

Yep. That about sums it up.

On All Hallows Eve, I found myself facing my inner demons and pondering the many bewitchings surrounding me.

Even a good witch can find herself under a wicked spell, I imagine. I've been hexed by the best.

Life, or at least life as I know it continues in its way. My office is still crippled and trying to work is hard. I'm in the dark, tapping away at a generator powered computer. It's hot, but somehow the normalcy feels so necessary right now.

Tonight I will go back to what was my home and retrieve my two cats. They can't stay anymore and I worry over them. I imagine it will be hard. I have only been back once, and PlayBoy was with me at the time. I walked in, struggled to remain calm, and left in a daze. By now, the damage is worse from the rain and collapsing ceiling.

I wonder how I will feel when I see it.

Writing about PlayBoy feels wrong somehow. We have become extremely close friends. In a way, he's been a white knight to my family. He's been a master at distracting me this week when EH and I were working to survive and I would be lying to say he isn't the best friend I have. We've played cards, pondered the meaning of life and talked about things we've both experienced. On Sunday when I felt sick and spent a day napping on his couch, he brought me a Coke-flavored Slurpee (my favorite). A small thing, but he truly has done all he could to keep a smile on my face at times when I didn't know I could smile. I know, in writing this, that it reads like there's more, but the truth is that there isn't. And never could be. PlayBoy is and will always be off limits in every way. He is, after all, a PlayBoy, right? And that's okay too. Because his friendship is more valuable and meaningful than anything else I could ever dream up and I feel incredibly lucky to know he feels the same about me. Like I said, writing it sounds so sordid. But then, bloggie, if there was a sordid twist, I think you know I couldn't/wouldn't write it at all. EH is equally grateful that PlayBoy has been there. It's safe all around.

I'm dying slowly in need of my own space. A bed to sleep in. A place to wander at night without feeling like a burden. A quiet space to call mine. That alone will be the death of me. Inside, I just find that I feel lost most of the time. Alone. I feel very, very alone even surrounded by so many people.

It's times like this, you question yourself so much.

Last night, I felt so lightheaded (stress, I imagine) and when I closed my eyes, I imagined I was dying. And I was alright with it. Not in a suicidal way, just in a "giving up" sort of way. Tired. Weary. Beaten. Amazing to feel that way after I had such a lovely evening, but the highs and lows of my days are really stressing me. My highs are the highest ever and my lows scare the life out of me. I can't help thinking rock bottom is a misstep away and I don't have the strength to cope with it. When (if?) it hits...where will I be?

Lost in every way?

Part of me wants to be entirely alone. I want to be abandoned, left, hurt, defeated and broken just to get it over with and survive that too. I want to find myself in a small, dark space with no one and nothing.

Bizarre?

Not really, because I finally realized why I feel that way. If you have no one and nothing - you can't lose anything. Readers know how much I've lost...jobs, friends, my mother, my stepfather, nearly my marriage, my baby boy...my mind. I'm terrified to lose more people, things, faith...

I've babbled, I know. And as always, my silent outlet has tolerated my madness. It took writing this to understand it all myself, but I finally realize how very afraid and fragile I am. Not nearly as strong as people think...just a fraud, a fake, a coward hiding under a phony facade. Inside, I am just crumbling. Why is it that the people around me think I am so strong? Are they that blind? Not one person sees who I really am. Not one person knows me and how afraid and angry and lost I am. How can that be?

Alone sounds better and better by the minute.

Update

2005-10-31T14:15:00.000-05:00

I'll tell you as much as I can as quick as I can...

Hurricane Wilma has been a lesson in life, let me tell you. South Florida has been transformed into a 3rd world country of sorts. Fuel is precious and you can wait hours to put a small amount of gas in your car. Perishable foods are hard to find.

Our roof ripped off over our heads in the middle of the worst of the storm and we literally huddled in a downstairs bathroom worrying that we could be seriously harmed.

We're staying with my friends, BestFriendM and her husband. Stressful, to say the least. We have power now, but we're camping on a couch and I haven't slept in damned near a week.

PlayBoy has become my anchor. He took me to a condo on Wednesday and showed me a gorgeous condo unit and when I agreed that I liked it, he made a phone call...

...and bought it. Bought it and is going to rent it to us. What the hell do you say to that? Thanks?

We're surviving. That's the best I can offer. I'm stressed to the point of a coma and have never imagined life in these circumstances.

I miss you all. I hope to be back soon - a week? Keep checking in, keep commenting and keep us in your prayers. The support really does make me feel better.

Lost

2005-10-28T12:41:00.000-04:00

Just a fast note as time is precious...

Wilma clobbered us. We've lost everything. Our roof was ripped off over our heads while we hid in the bathroom wondering if we would live through it. We're staying with friends and I wish we could say we were okay but we're in bad shape. I feel a mental breakdown coming on.

More when I can