The Odd Wife

All packed up...

2006-03-15T11:24:00.000-05:00

I've moved the sideshow that is my life over to www.thetroublewithred.blogspot.com for those that wish to continue on.

Would the last one out, please turn off the lights?

***Updated: No, you are not crazy. I had to modify the URL in the link to include "the" because Blogger is not - um - functioning at its prime otherwise. ***

My blog

2006-03-14T13:09:00.000-05:00

Prior to June 2004 I had no idea what a blog was. I knew EH had started one, he showed it to me, but I didn't grasp the bigger picture of it. As it turns out, EH had become a blog reader too and had begun an online romance with another married blogger. Although they missed their chance to meet face to face (they tried!) the 6 months worth of email were intimate, emotional and disturbing. I can't even imagine what the phone calls were like.

After I discovered EH's online affair on June 15, 2004 I started a blog of my own to rant, scream and rage all the feelings I was overcome with. I spilled every ugly thought I had on my pages. EH's "other woman" read my blog and delighted in using her blog to comment, criticize and bitch about my reactions. Even worse, her blog archives were a full detail by detail account of her affair with my husband. There is truly nothing more painful in the world. It's hard enough to find out your lover has lied, cheated and betrayed but to then have the ability to "witness" almost every moment in writing is enough to decimate the heart. To hear her crow about her sex talks on the phone with him on days he had blown off me and my daughter or to read the words he wrote to her when he lied to me and assured me nothing was wrong was too much.

After the affair, I couldn't talk to people. I didn't want to share the horrible details with close friends or family members because I knew it would become awkward if EH and I managed to overcome it. It was infinitely easier to scream into the silent abyss of internet then to share my feelings with people around me.

I changed blog addresses about 3 times to try to shake my little stalker, but she always managed to find me again thanks to the chatty blogger community. Ultimately I just stayed put here and let her have her fun.

Once the rage simmered down to the less murderous variety, I began to blog about the recovery of our marriage. You can still comb these archives to see how te process went. One step forward, two steps back. One day I would profess my undying love and the next I would be drowning in hurt again.

As time moved on, the hurt channeled into other areas. I still loved my husband but I would write of my frustrations with him. His aversion to sex, his inability or unwillingness to help support this family, his failure to be any type of partner or provider. By the time I admitted that the marriage was over this past November, it couldn't have been much of a surprise. Even then, his "other woman" contacted me with her bitchy insights.

Today I can look back over these pages and understand things better. I can see the problems mounting and realize this was always coming. Once EH betrayed me, there was just no way back.

You see, we always had love. Deep, true and amazing love. The kind shared by a soulmate. The kind of love that changes you. Beyond that, we didn't have much. We had stress, financial problems, bad luck, drama and every odd in the world against us. That love was what always held us together. Once that love was treated so indifferently, so callously and with such little regard - it could never survive. The one amazing thing we had, the one reason we had to live our life together had been stripped of it's value and cheapened. I never could get past that. It was a bit like a terminal illness that lingered, offered occasional hope and eventually consumed my marriage into the great beyond.

I don't miss EH the way I thought I would. I do miss the "us" we had. That special bond that let us always know what the other was thinking, the connection that gave us insights into each other. We truly knew one another and it was wonderful. I miss being a family. I miss doing things together with our daughter. I miss sharing in her life together. I miss things I can never have again.

My life is in transition again as I start a new life with PC. I wonder what insights I will find when I reread these pages in the future.

PC is everything that EH was not. PC is entirely involved in our life to the point that I am often able to let go. PC just handles things and after years of being in charge of handling, I am more then relieved to sit back a bit. PC doesn't appear to love me with the same intensity EH did, but it's more a difference in person than in volume. I can honestly say that even through the pain of losing my marriage, I have found a happiness I never knew with PC. I have found peace, safety, protection and love. PC and I have a bond all of our own too. We seem to ride the same wave, so to speak. We alternate from serious to playful to sensuous to ambitious together and we ultimately balance one another. PC nourishes me where I once felt so drained.

The deeper bond will come with time and that's alright with me. Time with PC is not a hardship. The connection is there and the rest will fall into place.

When I blog now, I have less drama to report. Less flowery posts about love and marriage, because my beliefs on them have been rattled and I now look back and see how my dedications and prose were all desperate attempts to make it right again. I blog with less anger. I blog with less excitement.

Basically, it's dull.

If I were here for the purpose of entertaining you, that would be a problem but my intentions are solely for me to transmit thoughts, impressions and feelings to another place where I can sort them out. I learn from blogging.

In this post alone, I have learned how much pain I still hold. I have only to write about the marriage to find tears on my cheeks and a lump in my throat. I imagine I will carry that hurt for a long time.

The blog title seems somehow...inappropriate today. The Odd Wife is who I was with EH. Today, I am neither wife, nor especially "odd". In PC's world, I am merely silly but not exceptionally strange. PC is at least as odd ("silly") as I am, so I don't have the distinction.

I find myself ready to change the name of this blog. This time not to hide from a stalker or to rage, but to begin moving on. Moving forward. I won't close this blog to start a new one, but I do want to change title and web address.

I just can not figure out what to call it now.

I'm open to suggestions...

Career Counseling

2006-03-13T14:49:00.000-05:00

I think it's time to tell you about my job.

The most fascinating thing I can actually tell you about my job is that they pay me a very nice salary to do nothing. And I mean nothing.

I dress up. I show up. I sit.

I surf the web. I occasionally fax something. I grab a stack of mail from the mailroom.

I sit.

I sometimes go pick up lunch for my boss. When my boss is in town. Which is not often.

I occasionally hang maps on the wall.

And once those 8 minutes are up, I sit.

I don't get it either. It was cool for the first few weeks, but I just have to admit to growing bored. Did you know there's only so much internet to surf before you are bored?

I miss being challenged. I miss coming home with a sense of accomplishment. I miss being something other than a highly paid seat warmer. And did you even know that boredom of this magnitude is exhausting? I come home tired as hell because doing "nothing" is exhausting.

Unless you're managment or a specialized career that requires a college degree, there's a decent chance I'm outearning you. This is a major company and a prestigious position. But, don't waste a second on envy because boredom of this magnitude is deserving of the salary I bring home.

Thus, I can hold onto one accomplishment. I am paid well to be very, very bored.

And I'm worth every penny.

Monday Mornings

2006-03-13T11:16:00.000-05:00

There's always something a little sad about Monday mornings. The weekend is behind you and nothing but a memory and an entire week lies ahead of you until the next one.

There's always plenty to do. A routine you can expect. For example, I know tonight is PC's conference call night, which means he'll be ensconced in his office while I make dinner, tend to SG and otherwise occupy myself. I know Tuesday will find SG with EH and PC will likely be busy with work things. I know Wednesday is PC's night with his boys, so SG and I will need to find something to do. I know Thursday is a bit quieter and then finally Friday arrives and the fun begins again.

But for me, Mondays are blue.

This past weekend was wonderful. PC took me on a riverboat dinner cruise and we relaxed and enjoyed the night. Saturday was primarily set for house cleaning while PC was off with his boys, but when he came home, he joined in on the fun and we got much accomplished. At dinner time, we ordered Chinese food and pulled a card table into the bedroom to have a little picnic while watching a scary movie. Sunday we went to the beach with SG and relaxed silently in the sun with books.

The drama seems to be at a minimum again and I am enjoying the peace.

TGIF!!!

2006-03-10T15:32:00.000-05:00

It's Friday, and you know what that means...date night!!!

For a blissful evening, I will have PC's undivided attention. I am so glad we put this tradition in place since the increasingly hectic pace we keep can prevent us from really being together most other nights. Friday's keep us connected.

It was PC's turn to plan and so far the date is a mystery. I was just told a location and time. I know the intersection he mentioned, but can't even imagine what he's planned. No matter. Being with him is more than enough.

I'm feeling much better and refocused. I've figured out the smart thing to do would be to help PC instead of pout. Helping him lets me work with him and frees up some of his time. So, I'm going to be a very good girl, indeed, from now on.

EH and I have restored our ease with each other. We're back to talking and friendly terms. I still notice we're not "close" anymore and I realize it's a natural progression of our split. There's this tiny part of me that feels sadness for it, but I try very hard to focus on the good in my life and keep moving forward.

SG will be away most of the weekend with EH, but back home by Sunday for a day at the beach with PC and I.

Another busy, but lovely weekend ahead!

The Blues and the Mean Reds

2006-03-09T09:25:00.000-05:00

I have the blues. Or the reds. Something.

EH and I are fighting again. I'm torn between tears over the frustration of our fights and feeling like I never want to see him again. How on earth did we get so far?

EH and I have planned our daughter's 10th birthday party for Sunday, March 19th at the ice skating center she loves with her friends from school. Remember that I asked him to keep this strictly neutral?

Well, EH has really riled me.

First of all, EH has our daughter Tuesday nights from after school until 8:30 and then Friday nights from after school, overnight until Saturday afternoon.

So, the first irritation is that I learn through offhand remarks last night that EH has quite the weekend planned. He's keeping her Friday, then Saturday, then Sunday. Of course, he never asked me about it. No consideration for any plans I might have.

Then, he's planning to have a small party with all of the people not coming to her "neutral" birthday party. That's fine, except that he's having it exactly one week before her party - at the same ice rink and we quarrelled when I asked him to not have the same "hockey cake".

He argued when I told him I felt it would make the actual party less special to have it at the same place, with the same specialize cake two Sundays in a row.

The next problem was in him planning a party for her on a day I would normally have her without first asking me. Forget any plans I may have had - he wanted to invite everyone first. When we fought, he said he was "just checking everyone's availability" and couldn't understand why I insisted that he first check MY availability.

And the kicker??? One of the guests he is inviting to the party is a man who tried to rape me in a rather forceful manner (20 minutes of full-on wrestling and struggling) 8 months ago - a fact EH is very well aware of. That was this man's 2nd attempt (the first being much less aggressive, but still scary).

Jackass... I have been more than cooperative with him. I have never gotten in the way of him spending time with SG, I have not made a huge battle over the fact that he pays no child support and I have maintained a relationship with him on the friendliest possible terms.

Moving on...

PC is beyond busy and I've hardly seen him. I admit it, it's starting to bother me. I'm glad he's enjoying his careers. Yes, plural. But I hate feeling like the very last thing on his mind. Bottom of the list. Lowest priority. Back of the bus. He's involved in 2 companies right now and dividing his time. That superior sex life we had has disappeared and averages maybe 1 time a week. I'm as frustrated as they come and wondering if I can be patient or if I will lose my mind.

I need a remedy. Or remedies... What cures the blues? How about the reds?

Hell, I just need something...

Back of the Bus

2006-03-08T09:13:00.000-05:00

I have a million random thoughts and no real news or developments to share, so I'll just post stream of consciousness for the moment...

I'm trying so hard to let my hair grow long. In all my life I have never been able to do it because once it gets to a certain length, it annoys me and I can't figure out how to style it - so off it goes. But it's at that length again...and I am really trying to control myself.

PC's ambition is a wonderful thing and could mean great things for our future. At the moment, I'm trying to remember that more and more. His schedule is beginning to mean much less time for him and I. I think I am down to officially one night a week that I can count on his attention - date night. I'm not complaining, mind you - I do understand - but I am just a little concerned. I sincerely hope it's career driven and not some way of avoiding me. It probably is fine and I'm just worrying over nothing.

EH mentioned hosting some birthday event this weekend for SG...where he invites his family and friends. All of our formerly mutual friends. In particular, BestFriendM. What a fair weather friend she turned out to be. I keep reminding myself to be grateful to be rid of her. Still, it's just another rat-like thing for her to do... it's fascinating how close she suddenly is to EH considering the years of criticism she heaped on him to me. He was a lousy provider, he was lazy, he was unmotivated, he was obnoxious...blah, blah, blah. Now he's her new best friend. Oy. Hindsight tells you a lot about people and she is/was a snake.

Two years ago today I did something terrible and no one knows.

Ten years ago today I brought my baby girl home from the hospital to introduce her to her new home, new crib, new everything. I'd give anything to relive that day since the last time I entered a hospital pregnant I left empty-handed. It seems quite probably that my child-bearing days are over. That breaks my heart and my eyes tear up just writing this.

My sex life seems to be...well, dying off lately. *sigh* Do I just kill men's libidos? I know he's busy. He's always busy. And some nights I fall asleep waiting for him to be free to be in the same room with me. But that frustration is starting to build up...and up. Pretty soon I'm going to need help even spelling the word o-r-g-a-s-m.

I was in a better mood before I started to write this. I had no idea I had so many negative things on my mind. I thought I was doing pretty good and now I am frustrated! So much for therapeutic blogging! Geeez! The next time I have no real news to share, I'm posting nothing but knock-knock jokes.

My Decade Darling

2006-03-07T09:40:00.000-05:00

SG turned 10 today - the little darling. EH called bright and early to wish her a happy birthday and when I walked into her room holding out my cell phone, she shrieked "You got me a cell phone?!?"

Heh. No.
Bummer.

Tonight EH and I will take her to dinner at a local Wings joint she likes. We'll have the much-discussed birthday party on the 19th.

I'm noticing "10" isn't quite as cute as 6, 7 and 8 were. That little munchkin is developing a "mind of her own". I thought I had properly brainwashed her, but I may have to work on that a bit more...

Still, I have to admit, she's easier than most.

I am in love...

2006-03-06T15:32:00.000-05:00

I am in love...

It's time to put those words clearly here in this blog. I am in love...

Once upon a time, I was married to a man I loved. There were 397 reasons why it couldn't work, but the love was true. Eventually the reasons blossomed to 832 and the marriage could not bear any more. And so, after much heartache and pain, we parted friends and I wondered if I could ever love someone again.

Once upon a time, an incredible series of dramatic and horrible things happened over a period of many years. My health declined, my nerves were frayed and I forgot what it felt like to be at peace. I forgot how to be happy.

Just when the worst had happened and I thought for sure I could never feel anything again, I was rescued in every sense of the word.

PC (Prince Charming) has forever changed me. He has restored me. I am finally able to feel safe and relaxed again in the arms of someone I love entirely. It's almost indescribable how I feel inside day after day.

It's the way he smiles at me. How he teases me and makes me laugh. How serious he looks when discussing business. It's the groan he makes when I rub his neck. The way he can do any math in his head precisely and quickly if it has a dollar sign attached to it. How he holds me - really holds me. It's the way he kisses me (which to this day has the power to scramble my brain). The way he tries to make me happy. It's how he loves me.

I never believed I could feel it again. I'm so grateful to have been wrong again.

"And it seemed to me the pain would last, my chance for happiness had passed
And nothing waited ’round the bend
I was sure I’d never find someone to heal the damage you had done
And my poor heart would never mend...
Wrong again..."
---Martina McBride, Wrong Again

2006-03-06T09:45:00.000-05:00

Since I failed miserably to post all weekend, I'm going to just post random updates/blurbs/comments this morning...

1. EH and I agreed on a strictly neutral party for SG - meaning we only invite kids from school and we keep our families and friends out of it. I feel it's way too soon in our divorce process to bring us all face to face and make for an awkward day when the focus needs to be on SG and her special day. This is after the BIG FIGHT on Friday where EH refused to pay for the party if it was all "people we don't know". In the end, he did split it, but he opted for the lower party and in the end, it made more sense to agree. We also split the expense of ice-skating lessons as a gift to her since she wants to learn to ice skate. No, this is not a future figure skater - my little princess wants to be a hockey player. The temperature between EH and I is chilly at the moment. He's been brisk with me ever since.

2. The weekend was fabulous!

On Friday night, for "Date Night" I took PC to "Laffing Matterz" in Fort Lauderdale. It was incredibly entertaining. Both of us really enjoyed it. After being seated at 7 pm, you are served a meal from the limited menu of items. The food was great. At about 8:30, your waiter checks on you one final time before taking his/her place on the stage. The show is a 2 hr musical/satirical show - like Saturday Night Live the Musical. The topics are mostly local, current and things that really hit home with the crowd. I can't recommend it enough...
Saturday, PC took me to the Ford Classic PGA Tour at the Doral ("The Blue Monster") and I was exposed to live golf for the first time. I pretended to be "on board" and expected to be bored to tears and was stunned to find I really, really enjoyed myself! The weather was perfect (for us, anyway - breezy!). Part of my fun was just being with PC who explained things to me and was the perfect escort. Making sure I was always comfortable and happy - he does this so well! Seeing Tiger Woods was interesting, but I found myself rooting for Villegas (impossibly pronounced "Vih-JAY-gas"). I ended up tuning in Sunday to see the final round because I had to know how it ended. Tiger placed 1st and Toms and Villegas tied at 2nd.
Saturday night PC and I went out to dinner with my little sister, her fiancee, my dad and my stepmom for my little sister's 21st birthday. After, PC and I joined little sis and her fiancee for some club hopping and dancing...and discovered we are very, very old. We pooped out at 1 am.
Sunday I slept all day....PC went off with his boys and EH had SG until evening. In the night, PC and I brainstormed together on some of his business ventures and I drifted off to sleep as happy as can be. Not only was it nice time together, but the closeness of it mattered to me.

3. It looks like STBX is moving out of state after all by May. I have mixed feelings on this. PC's boys will be very far away.

4. STBX is requiring the divorce to state that the boys will not be anywhere in my presence for a period of 1 year after the divorce is final. I hate it...

I think that about brings us current...

The Notion of Simplicity

2006-03-03T13:42:00.000-05:00

So, it's come time to plan SG's 10th birthday party. Should be simple, right? Hah!

EH and I want to co-host the event, which is fine. But he's trying to fill the guest list with his parents, sister and her family and friends who have outright condemned me and turned their backs on me over the divorce. I'm not okay with that.

PC is not going, because I know in my heart that would be uncomfortable for EH.

I'm not trying to be difficult but here is the situation: we're hosting the party at an ice rink. We'll have a party room. Assuming I have to play hostess, that means I stay in the room for the most part while the kids skate and come back to eat.

Now, my family isn't going to go. They're not that...supportive. So, imagine me in a room surrounded by EH's parents, siblings, friends and so on - and you basically have an "Anti-Odd Wife Rally" for our daughter's 10th birthday party.

Real fun. Gee, let me shell out $250 for THAT event.

I think not.

I have had no interaction with EH's family since we split. The one time I saw his parents as I picked SG up, they both literally turned their backs on me and walked away to avoid interacting with me.

The friends. They're not new friends, they're former friends of OURS who have chosen sides (who asked them too?) and alienated me entirely. Yes, let's have them!

EH is being dickish over it. "So, let's have a party with people we don't know," he says snippily.

"No, let's have a party that I organize and pay for with a dozen or so that hate me," I nearly replied.

The problem is, I don't have a solution. At least 4 of the people I would be uncomfortable with have children that SG would want there.

I really need advice, guys. SG is not a baby, she's going to realize her mother is being snubbed at her birthday party and frankly, I don't want to be that miserable on what should be a special day for us.

(sigh)

2006-03-02T13:45:00.000-05:00

I'm having a really bad day...

The Odd Wife: Drama Magnet

2006-03-02T08:58:00.000-05:00

Another two prong post for you this morning...

1) My neighbor is a freaking loon. A few days ago I lightly commented on the domestic fun happening next door. This woman has been screaming in endless profanities around the clock just outside my front door. SG is nervous to play outside and frankly, I am annoyed. After 6 days, I am tired of it. There never seems to be an opportune moment to say something to her as she is always storming off in a fit of rage. Last night, it happened again and PC and I stepped out to sit on our front step and smoke (as is our custom). The man walked out and slammed the door and went downstairs. She stomped out a moment later and began to apologize in a rather nasty way ("I'm sorry, but I can't take this shit anymore") and I told her that I was glad to have a moment to talk about it, I was very concerned and the screaming was an ongoing disturbance and I was asking that they please try to get the situation under control. I told her I that I hadn't ben sure of what I should do - should I try to talk to her? - because I didn't want to make "a call".

Conversation ends. Fast forward a few hours. PC and I once again step out to smoke. Loon comes out. She asks what I meant by "make a call" - did I mean call the police? I assure her that's not how I want to handle it, but that I was very concerned because my daughter saw her running around the parking lot with blood pouring down her face over the weekend and I had safety concerns. (Her children told us she did it to herself - she says she was hit by the quiet Jamaican man she is fighting with).

She proceeds to really lay into me. She's offended, blah blah, blah, I'm not nice, blah blah, blah, my smoking is going into her house (?), my ex (EH) makes her nervous because he looks "jittery" and did PC know I was always hugging my ex (EH) outside (he does, PC was sitting beside me so this was clearly to start a problem with him and I), blah blah, blah, and on and on it went. The whole time I am calm, even toned and polite but I'm getting irritable. It was about 45 minutes after she stomped inside before my anger began to simmer. Who does this woman think she is?

So...home life is fun.

Moving on...

2) PC. ... What do I say? Something seems to be wrong. I...don't even know where to begin, but I couldn't sleep last night and spent the whole night on the couch staring at the ceiling. I am exhausted today. Beyond. PC said this whole mess with STBX is just weighing on him and affecting him more than he realized.

Well, I guess STBX wins. Because PC hasn't touched me in nearly a week (longest ever) and every night he's been too busy to really relax. When he does, he just watches tv with me. Even when he's home, you can tell he's not really "there". I've tried to be patient and wait it out, but it's starting to hurt a little. I hate when you can actually feel someone pull away from you and you're powerless to do anything but sit, wait, hope or give up and run.

I really hope we can reconnect on date night this week. It's my turn to plan...

The Odd Wife: Now with more drama!

2006-03-01T10:08:00.000-05:00

Today's post is brought to you by the number two (for twice the drama) and the letter "o" (as in "Oh shit").

First: STBX is not the happiest person walking the streets today. It honstly seems like she is coming completely unglued. She and PC spoke briefly last night when he called to talk to his boys and she screamed names, insults, accusations and some pretty ugly threats including bodily harm at him. They discussed only briefly the emails she read from his past and it seemed strange that her accusations went far beyond the actual bad deeds he committed. She made some ugly remarks about me and told him she is hiring a private investigator and suing PC for divorce.

Now, no one wants a divorce more than PC, so why she feels she has to sue is beyond me. She's actually already uncovered everything he was guilty of so the investigator is another waste of money. He engaged in a lot of erotic emails with women during the final year of their marriage and he had a few affairs. That's awful enough for any woman to learn. PC is sorry that she found out because he didn't want to hurt her, but at the same time a very old and heavy weight has been lifted off of him. For the first time, he has everything in the open.

For all of her anger, STBX is a person I feel sorry for. I don't wish anything bad for her. I was explaining that to PC. It's not that I like her (I don't care for her & how she has treated people) but because of her position in PC and his children's lives, I do respect her. I want good things for her. I want her to be happy. I want her life to be easy.

Now, having said that, I'm not going to be a fucking doormat. Her nasty little comments are fine, because they don't hurt me and I am sure she's entitled to feel that way. But I'm not about to sit back and let this bitter woman disrupt my life. The drama with the bullshit emails and the lies and her threats is growing old. I will not provoke or antagonize, but damnit I will defend myself and stand my ground. The things she is furious over had nothing to do with me and occurred long before me. She now knows I didn't steal her husband (and can see how many dozens of women tried!) but now she blames me for being with him after what he did to her.

Screw that.

His "misdeeds" were before me. He was unhappy, trapped and lost. He's not the same person he was then. Why on earth would I punish him for having a past?

Second: Okay, this one is harder...today is a tough day for me. Ten years ago today, EH and I walked down the aisle. Today is our 10 year Wedding Anniversary. We had planned to spend it in Vegas renewing our vows.

Today is a hard day for us both.

I love EH. I always will. He loves me. I think he always will. I wish it could have worked for us differently, but fate had other ideas. Maybe it's his fault for the affair. Maybe it's mine for never being able to get past it. Maybe it's both/neither. Either way, it didn't work. And we did try.

For today, just a part of me will mourn what we lost. 10 years was a landmark I would very much have liked to have shared.

Please do not read into this as taking anything away from PC. It doesn't. PC and I have a relationship completely different from what I shared with EH, but no less special. I was very happy with EH and I am very happy now with PC. The only difference is that I can be happy and still have needs met: goals, ambitions, planning for the future. It feels like a grown-up relationship whereas EH and I were always a couple of crazy kids in love.

Will that suffice for drama today?

Spoke too soon...

2006-02-28T14:22:00.000-05:00

Did I say "peace" in my last email? Silly me. I spoke too soon.

STBX called PC and freaked out over the phone about those mysterious emails that were forwarded to me. She said they had been mailed to her at the house.

I call "bullshit".

First of all, I've become a bit web-savy over the past few years. It's amazing what you learn when you are desperate to find answers online and ever since EH's affair I have honed my internet snooping skills to be quite strong.

All of the emails forwarded to me passed through the same IP address. One email, which contained a link to an old, but specific page on this blog was clicked through with the referrer showing as "us.yahoomail.showletter" through that same IP address. That IP address matches 100% the IP address used on all recent and older emails from STBX to PC.

No doubt about it. They came through her computer. Why she waited this long to freak out is beyond me, unless I was right and she didn't notice the dates of the emails until today.

No matter. The bottom line is she is freaking out.

PC is baffled too, though he can't deny the "smoking gun" IP address. But the bottom line is that she now knows a history between him and her that he had hoped to spare her. His past has caught up with him and he has to deal with it.

So why do I feel so sick over it?

Partly because the peace is being broken. STBX is bound to be a very angry person for some time and even though her anger will be directed at PC, it affects me.

Partly because I don't want the drama. Now that I have tasted quiet life, I'm not really ready to give it up.

Partly because it raises questions.

PC is guilty of the same and worse that I convicted EH of. It all occurred before my time in his life, but still has the power to unsettle me. Do I hold those actions against him or can I believe that they had nothing to do with me, happened before me and don't really involve me? I lean towards the latter. I don't feel like the past he had before me should affect us.

It would be almost impossible to express how strongly I do not want to wander down that path again, and yet - here I am. On that path. As a bystander this time. The emails were not from or to me, so I'm not the "other woman" but being here again still bothers me.

I love PC. I need to continue on our drama free days. I've had enough drama over the past years for 8 lifetimes and I'm just not willing to experience it all again.

So, how exactly do I navigate this path this time? Or do I just ignore it? If PC and I are a team/partners/in love than I have to walk it with him. I can't ignore or avoid it.

Is this the karma?

I'm going to share some deeper things with you. I know at least one person will appreciate them.

When I found out about EH and his affair, I was livid beyond reason. Sanity gone. I was pregnant, hormonal and even worse - I was a happily married woman who believed in her marriage with all of her heart. I shattered into a million pieces. I still loved (and alternately hated) EH, but my rage was primarily directed at the other woman. I felt she was even more guilty than he was. I wanted her to suffer the way that I was. The way EH was. I wanted her punished. I fantasized about how to get even. I sent nasty emails, left nasty comments on her blog and sought to engage her in fights every chance I could. She responded each and every time and eventually initiated more than reacted. We goaded each other. As much as she was a daily thorn for me, it became clear that she relished the fights. Eventually her boyfriend got involved as well and he took the fight to more dangerous levels. I wasn't able to let go of them until I left EH. When I walked away from EH I gave up the reason to fight. Today, I could honesty care less about either of them. When she last emailed me out of the blue to be bitchy it was to ask if I had found out her ex's contact info and sent him the dirt on her. I hadn't. Once I would have loved to, but I hadn't. The truth is that I never really had enough information on her to do it. By the time karma had bitchslapped her by revealing her past to her ex, I was beyond it enough to not even care. Once I would have celebrated it.

Karma...I know karma plays a role here. The casting has been changed around, but I've ended up seeing her position in person.

Now, I have learned from her. I would never antagonize STBX the way she so loved to do to me. I remember how hurt I was and how I lashed out in anger, so I just can't hate STBX. I can hate some of her actions, but I wouldn't wish anything bad on her. Because of my experience I can be the bigger person that once I might not have been. Maybe it takes a walk in those shoes to understand. I've now walked in both pairs.

I have to brace myself now for whatever STBX has coming our way. I don't know if this will irrationally intensify her anger towards me or channel it more to him. I don't know if she will start trying to create more problems but her actions since Friday are increasingly unstable. The hacking, the lies, the attempts to start problems...I have to believe a storm is brewing.

What I really have to figure out is if I want to weather that storm again. Bystander or not, it was intense and painful last time and it would take a lot out of me to do it now.

I love PC. That's a good enough reason for me. I have to focus on that when all of my instincts are urging me to ~~walk~~ run away.

Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez

2006-02-28T09:29:00.000-05:00

This morning I flashed PC from my towel-wrapped naked state and held out my hand expectantly for beads and he just looked confused. I did it a 2nd and 3rd time and he slapped my palm as if to give me "five". I finally asked if he knew what day it was and flashed him again.

PC looked me up and down and said "Fat Tuesday?"

I really wish he'd just said "Mardi Gras"...

Still, it is indeed Fat Tuesday. Day of debauchery. Day of beads, King's Cake, drinking-til-you-puke, parades, flashers and revelry.

Except for me. Normally I would be baking a King's Cake, wearing my beads and boa and being generally silly. But things are quiet right now and I overlooked the day...and that's okay with me. Quiet is a nice change.

I'm surprised by the lack of drama in my life lately. I've been surrounded by drama for so long that I just don't know what to do with myself during the quiet times.

You give me peace I told PC.

With that said, I feel ready to start focusing on things one at a time.

Mission #1. Cooking. My March project will be to work on my cooking. I'm not a bad cook, but I'm interested in getting better. I'll be adding to my kitchen appliances and learning some skills. I'd like to celebrate my work by having a small dinner party at our condo by the end of the month (on April 1st - Saturday)

Which means, PC, that the dining room table clock is ticking!!!

You're all invited of course...

My Bad Man

2006-02-27T12:40:00.000-05:00

What makes a person "bad"?

PC considers himself to be bad. He's been told he's "bad" all of his life. STBX has repeatedly told him how "bad" he is. He takes a certain amount of pride in his badness.

He told me we're a perfect fit because I am bad too.

Now, I admit to being far from perfect. I know that I have a tendency to look at a situation and my first thoughts are of how the situation affects me. I don't mean to be selfish or self-centered, but I do react that way before cognizant thought has a chance to organize. Your house just burned down? My first thought is of that scarf I loaned you, whether you plan to stay with me or of the dinner party we were supposed to attend at your place next week. Only after those thoughts flood my mind in the first 15 seconds do I have a moment to realize how sorry I am for you.

And if your misfortune can be my good fortune, I think of that too.

I don't mean to. It's how I am wired. I never thought I was a bad person. I supposed I am after all. I pretended to be deeply offended and sulked a bit. He seemed unsure of whether I was teasing or not. Inside I was laughing at his silliness.

PC has made choices in his life that weren't "good" choices. He's used situations to his advantage. He's manipulated. Is he bad?

From an outsider's perspective, I could see how someone might want to call him a "bad man". He's broken the law (white collar crime back in the day) and paid the price. He left his marriage. He slept around while married. And so on...

But this is the same man who sees to it that my needs are met, holds me tight when I need it most, tries to please me every chance he gets and whispers that he loves me in the night. He's anything but bad to me.

When I worry or fret, he jumps to soothe me or reassure me. He promises things will work out and then looks for ways to make that happen. Since PC lacks the capacity for empathy or sympathy, this is a special compliment to my position in his life.

That Off-Broadway show I have been dying to see for many years? He gets the tickets. My favorite restaurants? Pricey, but he takes me to both of my favorites in the span of 1 month. My lifelong dream of seeing snow? He flies me to Chicago on my birthday to see it for the first time.

I worry from time to time that something awful will happen to me and he won't want to be around it. With STBX's father in bad shape, PC hasn't lost any sleep over it or tried to see him, even though they were "friends" for 10 years or so. I worry about what might happen if I got sick. If the family cancer hit me, or a stroke or something awful.

What will happen if I get cancer? I asked him.

Then we'll go through that. He told me.

We. We.

And I believe him. Because to me, this bad man is only very, very good.

The Weekend Endeth

2006-02-26T19:52:00.000-05:00

The weekend is drawing to a close and in all, it was a very satisfying one.

Friday night's date night was lovely. We savored fondue delicacies ranging from crisp veggies, bread and cheese to lobster, filet mignon, sirloin, scallops and finished with chocolate pecan fondue. I love The Melting Pot. Our plans to walk on the moonlit beach were sabotaged by a rainy night, but we took shelter in a renowned seaside bar (The Elbo Room) and played some pool.

Saturday, EH and I took SG to see the Florida Panthers pratice live at Incredible Ice. After we went to the Morikami Japanese Museum for the Hatsume Festival of spring. SG had a blast.

Sunday, PC and I took SG to The Florida Renaissance Festival. The rain soaked us to the bone and a brisk wind froze me, but we enjoyed the day. Still, it was heaven to return home and soak in a hot bath for a bit and warm up.

Our new neighbors are a concern to me. We are buying a condo, and living in it already, and renters moved in next door. The wife/mother seems to have some problems. She's always been quiet and sweet when we speak, but this weekend she was insane. SG played outside and witnessed her screaming profanities with blood pouring down her face. Her grown children who also live with her said she did it by slamming her own head repeatedly against a wall.

Throughout the weekend, we've heard her screaming in anger, pounding, slamming doors, storming off, speeding away and otherwise acting like a maniac.

She apologized but it didn't seem to stop repeat performances. SG was unnerved by it all and I hate to think I will have to say something to her. I feel badly for whatever she is going through (her kids said they suspect bi-polar) but my responsibility is to my little girl and this is just not acceptable.

I'm relaxed and feeling quite nice after my weekend. Looking forward to each day and not letting the small things frustrate me.

5 Minutes

2006-02-24T16:36:00.000-05:00

Just 5 minutes until my night begins!

PC called to tell me he'd made reservations at The Melting Pot for tonight's date night and then planned a little moonlit beach action. I'm so charmed! He may have planned that part, but I'm already making plans for after that!

And not one of them is remotely PG rated.

I have a busy, busy weekend but it's scheduled to be filled with all sorts of quality time, fun things and I am so excited! Finally!!! A GOOD weekend?!? My word, it's been months since I had one of those!

2 minutes. I think I can kill that packing my purse and grabbing my keys! See ya!!!

TGIF

2006-02-24T09:14:00.000-05:00

...and now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

As you might have guessed, there was an incident last night. Someone hacked PC's email and took the time (a lot of time) to forward me a large number of emails between him and other women (sound familiar?). The emails date from January 2005 - early October 2005. PC and I became involved in November 2005.

I've already seen and read every one of the emails before. PC shared them with me so that I could understand his past. He also made a promise to me that I would never have to worry about that again. And thus far, he has been true to his word.

One of the emails that was "accessed" contained a link to an old page on this blog. Sitemeter was helpful enough to point out that at about 3:20 something pm yesterday someone clicked a link in a yahoo email and landed at that exact page. The IP address told me what I already knew. It was STBX. Gmail further helped by showing the IP address of the forwarder of the emails. Still STBX. Now, STBX isn't well-versed in the internet world and probably doesn't know much about the blogging world. From what I can see, she didn't access any other pages and hasn't been back. I don't think she will. Odds are good that she had no idea what she was seeing and probably didn't even read it. My open letter to her was just me getting my thoughts out since I have no intention of contacting her.

It was "uncomfortable" to see the emails. There was a deja vu about it from my experience with EH. But it helped that they were all pre-Odd Wife and that I had already seen them all. Still, PC was so wonderful. He dismissed the situation but was still concerned for me. He made a point of being attentive and loving and kind and before I knew it, I was more wrapped up in him than in fretting over such a silly thing. Before we fell asleep, I thanked him for it.

Tonight is date night and I am more excited than usual. We missed last weeks date night, so I'm overdue! And PC is taking his turn at it tonight, so my evening is being planned for me. I asked what the plan was and was told he was going to surprise me. How cool it that?

From the playfulness of the night before, to the tenderness of last night - it's all been so sweet. We got our cherished skin time last night and this time it was so intensely loving and passionate that I had no question in my mind how he felt about me.

And I feel exactly the same about him...

My Comments on Your Actions

2006-02-23T20:47:00.000-05:00

Dear STBX,

Yes, I received the emails. I really wish you had just asked me if I knew about them before you spent hours forwarding them to me. I've seen every one of them before. I'm well aware of all of those situations. We had "full disclosure" with one another because we were committed to being honest and open with each other. Did you pay attention to the dates on the emails? Did you notice when they abruptly stopped?

Yes, I know that you sent them. Yes, I know that you're pretending you have no idea what I am talking about and that's okay. But please know that your IP addresses showed up in the email headers as well as on the blog link you clicked. IP addresses don't lie. And I know yours.

I imagine your intentions were to upset me or cause a fight. But I think what you did hurt you much more than it hurt me, and I am sorry for that. I've already read all of those emails. He shared them all with me when this began.

Most importantly, I'm wondering if you found the answer in those emails. The answer that I couldn't give you. You wouldn't have heard me. The answer is this: It was never about me.

Check the dates. Your problems date back to at least the beginning of last year in those emails. Long before I knew either of you. He was already gone, but still staying for his children. Knowing that, can you stop blaming me? Can you realize it was over long before I was an issue?

You have been through a lot of pain these past few months. You're dealing with a lot of anger. Right now, your family needs you and your strength. Your focus should be with them and not on digging up the past or trying to cause strife. Don't let this cloud the things that are truly important to you.

You already know that once upon a time I walked in your shoes. I was just as angry and bitter and hateful. It cost me something that I can never replace and will always mourn.

STBX, your marriage was over years ago. He told you that he was staying only for the kids for a very long time but that was growing harder and harder for him. You didn't get along. There was no communication, no honesty and no affection.

I am sorry for all that you are going through. I hope you will find that it is far better to put your energies into moving forward rather than fighting. There is no fight. The situation is what it is. No one wants to battle you. No one wants to hurt you.

It was never about me. Don't let it be about me now. Your family needs you and your kids need you. Let it be about them now.

You obviously know my email if you should want to talk.

Funny Girl

2006-02-23T12:10:00.000-05:00

I caved and cleaned the house (or most of it) last night while I had some time to myself and I actually feel better about it. I'm hoping to get the rest done tonight.

PC was a busy man last night and it was nearly 11 pm before I had a moment alone with him. We snuggled up to watch American Idol together (thank you, TIVO) and relaxed.

It was less than an hour, but it was heaven. Nothing happened, just him and I together, laughing, kidding each other and playfully wrestling. It was just what I needed.

In all of it, he said to me, "You make me laugh" as we touseled again over some imaginary bickering.

It was a wonderful compliment. I want to make him laugh. I want to make him smile, laugh, sigh and think deep thoughts. I want to make him think of me when he hears songs on the radio. I want to make him appreciate me. I want to make him miss me when we're apart.

And, he says I do all of that. But hearing that one compliment delivered so easily and casually as we laughed and wrestled together was as wonderful as if he had recited a sonnet to me.

"You make me laugh"

That's good enough for me.

Humping Alone

2006-02-22T12:30:00.000-05:00

Happy "Hump Day" to you and yours. Mine will be a lonely one with PC off to visit his boys and SG spending her night with EH. I'll be flying solo until after 8 pm and it'll be nice to have a bit of quiet time.

A solo hump day isn't all that bad, is it? Sure, it's lacking in the pleasant purpose, but let's face it...I could tackle the job on my own. Or...I could wait. Hmmm...what's a girl to do? Decisions, decisions...

I'm not sure how to describe my mood du jour. It's pretty good, no anxiety - but there's this undercurrent that I can't describe well. A bit like being hungry but not really wanting to eat. Conflicted?

My energy level is low and there are some frustrations surrounding me. SG not listening well to me lately, trying to catch up on past due bills, PC considering another major job change, PC thinking the cleaning fairy is supposed to visit or worse that it's my responsibility because I have a vagina (and everyone knows a vagina is required for scrubbing toilets, sweeping, mopping and picking up wet towels.)

The drama is quieted at the moment and leaves me an unfortunate glimpse of my daily life: Work at a lovely job that I adore, but it offers no responsibility, duties or challenges beyond simply being there, come home to a child who is sarcastic and aloof more and more lately, cook a dinner which both PC and SG seem to think magically appears on their plates since no one ever seems to say "Thanks!" for my grocery shopping/menu planning/cooking, clean something in a large condo that is perpetually messier each day - again, a chore PC and SG seem to think occurs by magic since they don't appreciate me scrubbing the toilet, tub, counter, sink, mopping, etc. Basically I feel completely unappreciated to people at the moment.

I hate sweeping and mopping our 100% tile condo. PC hates it too. He hates it to the point that he just won't do it. I tried that. We're on week 2 and it's looking rough. With 2 cats...it's just not pretty. PC is pretending not to notice and I'm on strike.

I work as hard as PC does...which really isn't saying much at the moment since we both have jobs that we can handle with little hard work. Nevertheless, we both work about 40 hours a week. We both MAKE the messes. Why am I the one who has to deal with it?

The problem is PC is used to STBX who never worked a day in their marriage and had nothing better to do than mop. PC and I both feel strongly about me working, so I don't have the luxury of 40 hours a week to dedicate to our home.

Yes, I'm annoyed. Not to mention feeling a bit "taken for granted" by damned near everyone around me.

So....PMS? Probably.

Oh, this old thing?

2006-02-21T12:04:00.000-05:00

My supervisor let me go early last night, as she sometimes does, and I raced home at top speed. Seeing PC's car in the parking lot thrilled me and I dashed up the stairs and crept quietly into the house. I tiptoed to the bedroom, following the sounds of the television and saw his toes at the foot of the bed. I sprang into full-speed and threw myself on him, covering him with hugs and kisses.

He didn't have to ask if I missed him.

The evening was fairly low-key. PC had his regular Monday conference call and SG was working on a school project. I fell asleep unexpectedly and woke just as the call ended. PC and I snuggled into our spots and watched tv. Later we played just a bit. Did I imagine that it felt a little different?

Afterwards, we settled onto our front steps for our traditional "After Sex, Before Bed, Robes-Only Cigarette" and talked in the moonlight. We talked a bit about my meltdown that morning and he continued to be understanding. We talked a bit about love, fidelity, honesty, communication and our needs. We seem to be on the same page and I feel infinitely calmer.

I had to correct PC though when he used the word "jealousy". This is a hard distinction to make, but what I feel is not jealousy. If PC wants to leave me for another woman I won't like it, I'll be sad and hurt but I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't want me anyway. What stirs me up is the fear that he'll keep women on the side for "fun" and lie to me about it the way EH did. The way PC did with his STBX wife. That's what scares me. You can't understand what it is unless you have been through it, but it takes a chunk of your life away. You find yourself re-examining everything over the past trying to pinpoint the clues you missed, the lies you fell for, the signs you overlooked and you see so many hurtful things. I don't ever want to have to rearrange my memories like that again.

I feel better, but tired. Still, it's a new day. I wonder where today will take me?

JACKASS: Definition = The Odd Wife

2006-02-20T10:01:00.000-05:00

I need to be locked up. Locked away. Kept from interacting with the public at all costs. Weapons of mass destruction? I know where they are...I found them in my head.

Feeding on my anxiety from last night, I looked for evidence of a problem. I was a lunatic. I stayed up all night trying to rationalize it all. By 5 am I was convinced he couldn't really love me, because I am of course completely unlovable. I decided to "catch" him so I could triumphantly prove that he couldn't love me/be trusted/stay in a relationship with me.

I am a giant jackass.

I went through his cell phone records. When I found 1 number called 2 times a day every day, I thought "Eureka! I found it!" I called the # (hoping like hell to get a voice mail) and a woman answered. I apologized for calling the wrong number and hung up.

Did I mention what a giant jackass I am? Huge. Enormous.

I called the unsuspecting PC at 8 am. He greeted me warmly with his usual "Hey baby!" that sounded happy to hear from me and the tears started to fall right then and there. I love this man and was about to lose him because I was either (a) right and he was a cheating dog or (b) I was about to reveal just how BIG of a jackass I was to him. I was ready to lose him either way.

I apologized and told him I was not doing well and proceded to very tentatively ask him about the things I was worried over.

The phone # turned out to be a work colleague. A real one, not some bullshit story. As it happened, the guys wife answered the phone. And she's probably wondering about the wrong number lady who called her husband.

What's bigger than enormous? I am a super-colossal jackass. I should be flogged.

PC never got upset. He was initially confused, then sorry to hear I was so insane but the entire time we talked he kept assuring me that he loved me, only me, wasn't going to do anything to screw this up, understood completely and encouraged me to always ask him when I had a doubt of any kind. He was a saint. I told him I completely understood if he wanted to dump such a crazy woman and find a nice, sane lady to love and he told me he was staying with me.

I felt better and worse all in one. I also felt an overwhelming urge to slap EH for making me such a fucking jackass. Tempting, but no.

I considered therapy, I considered a convent (do they have pagan convents?), I considered sedation. In the end, I know it will take time and patience from my partner to ever grow back into a person who can trust.

The tears are still falling, only now they are more gratitude for PC's understanding, relief from not catching him at an affair, sorrow for the whopping jackass that I have become, anger at EH for breaking me so completely and just a little hope because PC's understanding and ease with the incident once again offered the tiniest (and I mean TINIEST!!!) glimmer of hope that someone could be trusted.

I still haven't cracked the IM mystery, but I don't think I will ever be able to prove it either.

Meanwhile, PC comes home tonight and I am going to try like hell to get some sort of a grip on myself and not continue to be such an astronomic, barn door, big mama, blimp, colossal, excessive, gargantuan, gigantic, gross, huge, humongous, immense, jumbo, king-size, mammoth, massive, monstrous, mountainous, prodigious, stupendous, super-colossal, titanic, tremendous, vast, whopping JACKASS.